Oh, and...

All this and the bubonic plague, too

Where were we? I forget. Let's start with this week. Short version.
Monday - Apt (short for apartment, by no means the word. pardon my lazy punctuation) Office Girl called and said she had spoken with Apt Office Bitch. Bitch said that I could stay here through the end of January as I had nowhere to go. She would take care of all the details. Whew, big sigh of relief, have another month to find somewhere. Lady called back about a house that I had talked to her about weeks ago, said that the person who was taking it wasn't, do I want to come look. So, just as a back-up plan I went to see and get the details. I've seen much worse, so I told her that if I didn't find an apt somewhere else I'd take it.
Tuesday - Bitch calls and says that she DID NOT say that I could stay through the end of January, that there was a miscommunication, that I DO NOT have a lease, therefore I have 3 days to get out blah blah blah. I said fucking nice miscommunication, what am I supposed to do, blah blah. She says I'll see you in court and hangs up. I throw a hissy fit then call and take the house. Call Bitch and tell her what she can do with herself and her apt complex.
Wednesday - Spend all day getting paperwork taken care of on house, changing over utilities and making arrangements with family for help moving Saturday.
Tomorrow I'm going over to the house to start cleaning ceiling fans, windows, etc. I'm having the carpets (ugh) cleaned Friday afternoon. Hopefully by Sunday I'll have everything moved over. It's going to be a huge mess as it's going to pretty much be "snatch and grab" pack and move. The phone and Dish Network should be hooked up Monday, but the DSL (YAY!! I'm getting DSL!!) won't be hooked up until the 6th, so internet communication will be nil until then. Anyone that needs/wants to get in contact with me has the digits, they aren't changing. If you want the new address, holler. If you want to help me move my crap, get your ass in gear already. Oh, hey, John... the house is only a few blocks from your work. *wink nudge*
Catch up with y'all around the 6th.

O Christmas Tree, much pleasure doth thou bring me

Funny that I'm #2 and #11 in a Yahoo search for "sex under the Christmas tree" and I didn't GET any. Maybe next year. Or I can always drag it out again. (hint hint)

barometer

I need some sleep.
You can’t go on like this.
I try counting sheep,
But there’s one I always miss.

Everyone says, "I’m getting down too low"
Everyone says, "You just gotta let it go"
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
time to put the old horse down
I’m in too deep
and the wheels keep spinning round

Everyone says, "I’m getting down too low"
Everyone says, "You just gotta let it go"
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go


I Need Some Sleep - Eels

Happy Merry! Now kiss my ass!

Hope everyone had a good Christmas!
So, yeah, haven't updated in a while. I've been kind of tied up. (no, not that kind, couldn't get that lucky) Things have once again gone to hell in a handcart around here. You know how I mentioned I have to move? And had somewhere to move to? Turns out they were full of shit. So, when Dec. 31st gets here and I have to be out of this apt I don't know what the hell I am going to do. Homeless shelter maybe? I haven't had any luck finding anything else, don't have anywhere else to do, decided I was going to go to Georgia finally and turns out that isn't going to work either. Anyone got a spare room? I found all this out Monday. Then went to check my mail because my brother had sent a Christmas card a while back and it hadn't arrived yet. It was finally there; but, somewhere between their post office and my locked mailbox the two gift cards that were in it had mysteriously disappeared. Nice. Thanks, fuckers. I don't know what is wrong with some people. Had to get all of that straightened out. I dropped my glasses and broke them completely in half the other day. And some other stuff that I forget. Blocked from memory more than likely. heh Oh. I remember. But, we won't go into that now. Let's just say I have plenty more Dear John excerpts. But, I decided to put all of this stuff on the table until after the holiday. We had a really good one this year as far as gifts and stuff go. It was small again this year. Just me, my mom, my dad, the kids and our friend Kathy. But, it was really nice. The kids got some things they really wanted. Jaron got a guitar and thinks he's a rock star. God, I have to get that child some lessons. I made a pretty good haul myself surprisingly. Didn't get my Christmas wish, but do we ever? Maybe I need some cheese for this whine? Blah. Anyways, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

your own personal jesus

From the most demonic regions of the spiritual plane, I have channeled the disembodied spirit of elvis, bringing to you the wisdom and ski hat of the lost city of Cleveland. To usher in the New Age of sidewalks you must heed my words and swoop fanatically. The time is soon when the space pintos of our galactic cousins will return and our collective souped upness will reach critical mass. The highest frequencies of the universe will spiral through the big toe chakras of the worthy, and our 3rd elbow shall be opened. But first we must look deep inside and accept our inner junk heap. We must feel the inner junk heap, become the inner junk heap, doodle it as though it was a hermaphrodite. We must accept our karmic past, and, as our yogi master, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, always says 'The true form of a clergyman is actually a infinitestimal appendix , but enlightenment is like a molecular caviar on the wind'. For there is no right or wrong, no godfather or anti-godfather, only one great and omnipresent steamship.

Create your own brand of religious text HERE.

[as seen at Mac's]

I really need to figure out how to do the cut thing

A - Act your age: 33
B - Breast size: 38 C
C - Chore you hate: Mopping
D - Dad's name: Johnny
E - Essential makeup item: lipgloss
F - Favorite singer: hard to pick just one. famous? ryan adams, tom waits, lucinda williams. not famous? john d.
G - Gold or silver: silver
H - Hometown: Graham, TX
I - Instruments you play: does the skin flute count? bwhahaha i'm so mature
J - Job title: Domestic Goddess
K - Kids: Jaron, 9. Maddy, 7. Willa, 3.
L - Living arrangements: me 'n the kids in an apt
M - Mom's name: Anne
N - Number of people you've fallen in love with: real love? 1
O - Overnight hospital stays: 10 or so (longest one = 21 days)
P - Phobia: polyphobia
Q - Quote you like: "Offer them what they secretly want and they of course immediately become panic-stricken." -Jack Kerouac
R - Religious affiliation: Agnostic
S - Siblings: 2 (well ok 3 if we're going to be technical)
T - Time you wake up: it varies. i don't like to wake up early, but with kids i'm forced to
U - Underwear of choice: cotton lowrise bikinis
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: i'll eat all of them
W - Worst habit: smoking or drinking
X - X-rays you've had: dang. i dunno. i've had every body part x-rayed at least once, some more
Y - Yummy foods you make: everything i make is yummy
Z - Zodiac Sign: Cancer



1. What did you do in 2004 that you've never done before?
Figured out unconditional love

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions. No sense in setting yourself up for failure.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, several people. My father-in-law, my grandmother, an ex-boyfriend and close friend

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Companionship. Financial security.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched on your memory, and why?
I'm really bad with exact dates, but the day my father-in-law died and the day my grandmother died and the day I heard that Brandon died.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through with my sanity fairly intact. (well, there's still time)

9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't really see anything as a failure. It's a learning experience, and you can always try again.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious this year, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Hmm.. I don't buy a lot other than necessities. I guess the only thing I bought that wasn't a necessity and was a great deal was a new Liz Claiborne sweater (gorgeous, hot pink and black stripes) at the Goodwill for 3.99.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My son's.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My youngest daughter's.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and necessities, as usual.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I don't get that excited about much anymore as I usually end up being disappointed when I do.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Again, hard to pick one. The First Cut is the Deepest - Sheryl Crow (Cat Stevens), Don't Break My Heart Again and Wave on Wave - Pat Green , Something About What Happens When We Talk - Lucinda Williams, Hold On - Tom Waits

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Healthier, somewhat happier

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
heh guess

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
procrastinating

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family and close friends

22. Did you fall in love in 2004? (There was no question 21. Honest.)
Yes

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I don't watch a lot of TV

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate. It's poisonous and a waste of time and energy.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Time Traveler's Wife

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Michelle Lambert, Iron and Wine

28. What did you want and get?
Hmm.. not much. Through it all I guess.

29. What did you want and not get?
Security.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Calender Girls

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Nothing, sat at home being depressed. I was 33.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Money. Stability.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Vintage thrifty slob

34. What kept you sane?
Oddly enough, my children. They do drive me insane but if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have a reason to go on.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
David Wenham (Faramir in Lord of the Rings, Carl in Van Helsing. Yummy. I have a thing for red hair and he reminds me of John D.)

36. What political issue stirred me the most?
Any of them involving George.

37. Whom did you miss?
My Mamaw, my Papaw, my Aunt Beth

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Kathy

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
Learn to be more tolerant and insightful. Learn how to let go and how to hold on.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Behind every beautiful thing there's been some kind of pain. Bob Dylan - Not Dark Yet

Santa, baby

If anyone is feeling Santa-ish, I would like this sweater for Christmas, please. Think pink! kthx!
Shiny stuff is always welcome, too.
Oh! and these.

Canterbury Tale

The flowers she buys at the grocery
spray from a jam jar, though we
can afford crystal now.
When in April, twenty years ago,
on a campus sidewalk, stopped
by a glance of sunlight on a bell tower,
she exclaimed, "How like this is
to Canterbury" — but pronounced it
canta-bree — I, Georgia cracker, frustrated
Anglo-, Italo-, Francophile,
was stunned, struck down by love, like
Dante by Beatrice, by her whiff
of cucumber sandwiches and tea cakes,
her skin like gold museum glint
on gesso, her legs of pink
Carrara marble, and her Jamesian claim
that American men were inferior
to European. So I scratched
my shaggy skull for foreign words,
took up opera, told her
I wrote poetry.


Turns out, she was from
Mississippi, and, Reader,
I married her — the salt lick
of her, the swish
of ceiling fans, afternoon
pinking the pillars of cloud
over the Gulf, gouache
of gumbo, pentimento
of peppery boiled crabs,
all washed down by
sweet tea in a jam jar.



William Greenway
The Southern Review
Autumn 2004

oops 

Good Gravy

So, what have I been doing lately other than leaving comments on other people's blogs about gravy?
Well, let's see...

running a temp for 3 weeks (or is it 4? I'm confused a lot, too.)

walking like I am 93 (or Lurch) (Seriously. I have to get a cane. But hey, it can double as a weapon to be used on rude louts!)

listening to my 3 year old sing "rain, rain, go to Spain" constantly (it's been raining for a week or so. Hello? This is Texas? Go away already!)

appointments for Medicaid and Social Security Disability (how many is this? 57?)

feuding with the evil apartment manager

being grateful that I got on the waiting list at those other apts months ago, even though I had no real plans to move yet

getting real plans to move

being stalked by my baby's daddy (why the hell do you think I wanted security gates? yeah, these here that don't work? real useful, thanks! that's why I'm moving somewhere where everything does work!)

crying every time I hear this fucking song (argh! why? why??)

reading a few good books (check them out sometime)

cursing a lot (nothing unusual there)

There's lots more, but isn't that enough? Stay tuned! There's more "Dazed of my Life" to come!

Pat Green and Popcorn Balls

And it's raining. I have fine reading and Cherry Vanilla DP. Doesn't get much better than that.
Well, a warm body to snuggle up with would be better. But (especially as I've told the entire freaking internet I have oral herpes) I don't see that happening. I'll take what I can get.

Me and My Big Mouth

I've had a lifelong problem with fever blister, cold sores, whatever you want to call them... basically oral herpes. A friend of mine and I were visiting the other day and she had some cracks at the sides of her mouth brought on by stress. My outbreaks were always caused by stress, illness, severe pain or a temperature. This lead to me mentioning my problem and the fact that I haven't had an outbreak in years. I should have knocked on wood or something. Last week Jaron (the oldest kid and only boy for those who don't play along regularly) brought home some bug that involved running a temp. So add that to my stress and the constant pain I've been in lately with my hip and what do you get? Yep. The herpes monster is back and it's been saving up all this time for one doozy of a blister. It's huge and painful and disgusting. But! it gets better. Last night and earlier today my jaw and the side of my face have been feeling weird. I was rubbing my jawline this evening and came across a lump about the size of a pea, so it is affecting my glands as well. This was several hours ago and now my jaw is very puffed out and the entire side of my face is numbish. I'm hoping it resolves itself. If not I'm going to have to trek it to the ER, or see of the community clinic will see me and let me pay out the fee. Damn W and his shenanigans. I am trying to get back on Medicaid so I can get something done about my hips, but the State isn't going to help me and you have to jump through 9 kinds of hoops (fiery ones) to get the County to help. I guess maybe when I am rolling around in a wheelchair I might be able to get some help. That isn't looking to be too far off. One reason I haven't been posting much lately is I am in such bad pain that I can't sleep, can't get around and it's putting me in a really grouchy mood. I'm much too young to feel this damn old. Wish me luck and here's to hoping I don't have to throw a wobbly.

helpful kitchen hint

If you happen to have a container of sour cream in your fridge that says "best by 09/24/04" and it's 10/24/04 but it still smells good, it is SOUR cream after all... trust that they mean what they say on the "best by" thing and don't take a bite of it to see for yourself.

Happy Blogiversary to me!

So, it's hard to believe I've been doing this for a year. It's hard for me to believe it's BEEN a year. It certainly doesn't seem like it. The older I get, the more I am all "wow, where DID the time go?". It's especially bad because you have all these things you want to get accomplished and you haven't done them yet and the next time you turn around it's been a year since you set out to do those things and you're like whoa. Oops! This time last year I was planning to have lost weight, grown out my hair, gone back to school, and be on my way to Georgia by now. Hmm. Nope. O for 4. But, I look back on all the things that did happen and I am just thankful for my sanity. Well, that I have a shred of sanity left. A small one. But it's there, I swear! Maybe. For now. I have to go back home this weekend. Well, I don't HAVE to, but my mom is coming back from 3 months in Georgia, so I guess I BETTER. It's going to be good to see her, but it's not going to be good to deal with all the crap going on at her house. Which is a whole other post. One I am going to leave until I get back so I can tell it all at once. Have a good weekend, y'all. Wish me luck.

Protease, if you please.

You are an enzyme. You are powerful, dark,
variable, and can change many things at your
whim...even when they're not supposed to be
changed. Bad you. You can be dangerous or
wonderful; it's your choice.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Saw this quiz over at Jett's and it took it for kicks. Veddy interesting.

This is way too cute. It took me a few to get what it was all about, but when I did, I had to laugh.  

deep in the heart o'Texas

How's this for "hometown" support? bwhahaha

love as related to dominoes

Mark edged closer to the table. "What does it mean, 'shoot the moon'?"
"It means he's gonna go for all the tricks."
"The whole kit and kaboodle," Jackson said.
"Kind of like getting married," Lonnie explained.
"How's that?" Mark asked.
"Well, say you find you a woman you just can't get enough of. You want her so bad you can't eat, can't sleep. Now you know this is a woman who's gonna keep your bed warm on cold nights, make you potato soup when you're sick. She's gonna believe you even when you're lying. Hell, she's the only person in the world who's gonna know what you wanted that you never got, and what you got that you never wanted. But you know for certain there's gonna be times when this woman's gonna make you miserable. She's gonna bitch if you forget your anniversary. She's gonna want to watch some crying movie on TV when there's a ball game you wanna see. She'll expect you to skip your poker game and keep her company when she's feeling blue. In other words, she's gonna be a pain in the ass some of the time. So, you gotta make a decision. What are you gonna do? Walk away from her? Or go for it all? Give her up? Or shoot the moon."
Shoot the Moon - Billie Letts

get 'em while they're hot

Okay, so they're not so hot anymore but I have 11 10 gmail invites, if there is actually someone out yonder who doesn't have one yet. Holler. ninafayeATgmailDOTcom

Excerpt from a Dear John letter.

You’'re such an emotional cripple that you'’d rather roll along in your wheelchair and run over people and knock them away when they try to walk alongside (even if you've ASKED them to), give you a push or just ride along than get the fuck up out of that wheelchair and conduct your relationships in an even semi-functional fashion. I’'d like to dump your ass out on the floor.

Can't Let Go

Told you baby one more time
Don't make me sit all alone and cry
Well it's over I know it but I can't let go
I'm like a fish out of water
A cat in a tree

- Lucinda Williams

Coincidence

that I am in the top 3 search finds for barditch?
I think not.

by the light of the silvery monitor

I shall share my current 'do with you as I am too lazy to write actual content. Please excuse the crappy lighting as I am part vampire and well.. like I said, I'm lazy and don't want to get up and turn the lights on.

Hella cool!

I hope the tour comes this way! I also hope the one with Jackson Browne, Bonnie Raitt and the Boss heads this way. But, being that this is the State o' fucking Bush, we'll be lucky if they do. In other concert news, a friend of mine and I are supposed to be going to the Gypsy Tea Room in Dallas the 25th to see The Cramps. woohoo! First time away over night in FOUR years!

If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP!

Ok, so vanilla vodka isn't Scottish (or Schootish when one has had a few and is tipsy-typing) but it is pretty darn good when you mix it with Coke. And if one has had 5 or 6 of these concoctions and gets a craving for cookies, Scottish shortbread is awesome and easy to whip up (even at 1 am heh).

Great Googly Moogly

Go to Google.
Type in weapons of mass destruction.
Click the "I'm feeling lucky" button.
Laugh your fucking ass off.

The mind boggles

Pot, kettle. I know you've met.
While Dick was in New York tooting G Dub's horn in the face of hundreds of thousands of protesters G Dub "was in West Virginia, accusing Democratic rival Sen. John Kerry of changing his stand on coal industry issues that are vital to the state's economy. 'Be careful of somebody whose position shifts in the wind', he said."
I don't know why I am still constantly blown away by the sheer HYPOCRISY.

Wow, this sucks.

I haven't thought of her in a while as "Gloria" isn't a song I hear often. Just goes to show, if you have a headache for two weeks straight? Get it checked out.

Yet more stuff you never wanted to know

I'm bored and I'm lazy.
I've seen this all over the place but most recently at kalisha's.

Your name spelled backwards.
anitsirc

Where were your parents born?
Dad – Olney, Texas; Mom – Graham, Texas

What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Such Great Heights - Iron and Wine

What’s your favorite restaurant?
All the restaurants around here pretty much suck. I'd have to say the one's I like best are Texas Moon, Bogart's Deli (they have the best Monte Cristos) and El Gordo's.

Last time you swam in a pool?
Friday afternoon.

Have you ever been in a school play?
In the 5th grade. I was the teacher in Peanuts.

How many kids do you want?
None, thanks. Oh, too late. Damn.

Type of music you dislike most?
Crap. I mean rap.

Are you registered to vote?
Yes.

Do you have cable?
Nope.

Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Motorcycles of all kinds and four-wheelers but no moped. But I'd like to have a Vespa.

Ever prank call anybody?
Many times.

Ever get a parking ticket?
No. My boyfriend-at-the-time got one in my car after parking where I told him not to. Come to think of it, that has happened twice with two different guys. They never listen, do they?

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Hayull no.

Farthest place you ever traveled.
Nevada or Mississippi, whichever is the farthest.

Do you have a garden?
Not at the time. That's another reason I would love to have a house.

What’s your favorite comic strip?
Tumbleweeds

Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
I can sing along with it, but if I had to come up with the words on my own I'd not get too far.

Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower in the am, bath at night.

Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
I haven't seen that many this month. 13 going on 30 was cute.

Favorite pizza topping?
Shrimp, sun-dried tomato and mushroom with white sauce from Pizza Roma in New Orleans. I like most pizza, but that is the best.

Chips or popcorn?
Both, please.

What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Black Honey by Clinique or Cover Girl's lipslicks in hipster or Neutrogena Moisture Shine gloss in Dizzy.

Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
Uhh...not that I am aware of.

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Another hayull no.

Orange Juice or apple?
Orange.

Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
My kids at Mickey D's. woo

Favorite type chocolate bar?
The ones with chocolate.

When was the last time you voted at the polls?
I've never been compelled to vote. Until now.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Last month when I was back home. Dang, I miss having access to those.

Have you ever won a trophy?
Nope. Never participated in anything to win one.

Are you a good cook?
Very.

Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Yep.

Ever order an article from an infomercial?
Nope.

Sprite or 7-up?
Neither. I prefer Hansen's Natural Mandarin Lime.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Unfortunately, yes. That never lasted long. And won't happen again.

Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Some Burt's Bees stuff.

Ever throw up in public?
Sadly, yes.

Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
At this point, I'll take the money.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not really, no. Lust, yeah.

Ever call a 1-900 number?
Nope.

Can ex’s be friends?
I've never found that to be possible. Friendly, yes. Actual friendship, no.

Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Thankfully, it's been a while since I've had to visit anyone. So long I am not real sure who it was. Probably my grandmother.

Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
Nope.

What message is on your answering machine?
My voicemail has something along the lines of "Hi, we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, number and a brief message and we'll get back to you".

What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
Gosh. Hard choice. Right up there is the "Wild & Crazy" Festrunk Brothers. Ed Grimmly. Roseanna Roseanna Danna. Most of the old ones.

What was the name of your first pet?
The first pet that I got to pick out all on my own was a calico cat I got at the bait store that I named Callie.

What is in your purse?
Wallet, glasses case, keys, gum, Ice Breakers Liquid Ice, small cosmetic case with my lipsticks and Burt's Bees lip balm and eye drops, Purell hand sanitizer, a lighter, a pen, a mix cd, my phone and electric bill so I can pay them Monday.

Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Sex if available. Read otherwise.

What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Safety fences at dirt race tracks. Flying tires are quite hazardous.

Search me

Who the heck does a search for "gallbladder attack bare feet"?
What do the two have to do with one another?
And why the heck am I #2 for this interesting combo?

Space-saving watermelon

Via not martha

30-Second Bunnies Theatre 

Right on!

I just discovered this journal today and so far I am hooked. This entry made me say "HAYULL YEAH!" about 50 times.

It's official, I'm old

This evening at the grocery store, after the teenage carry-out boy put my groceries in the trunk he said to me "Take it easy, ma'am". Ok, first of all... what the hell ever happened to "Thank you, Have a nice day, Come again" and all that polite stuff they are supposed to say?? Second, "Take it easy, ma'am"??? Why throw the polite ma'am on there with the casual "take it easy"?? Ohhh, and C.) What would he have thought if I had replied with "I'll take it any way I can get it"?? ha! That would teach him. Or not. I can't believe the sheer disrespect of people now. Not only in little ways like please and thank you but in big ways. I swear some days it makes me not want to leave the house. I was brought up better than that and I used to turn the other cheek so to speak when people were rude, but nowdays I find myself snapping back before I can stop the words coming out of my mouth. Then I feel bad. I wonder if those other people ever do? I doubt it. They probably either don't know any better or don't care. I had to go to the dreaded WalMart before the grocery store to pick up school supplies (that their father was supposed to already have bought, thanks for leaving it to the night before school starts to tell me you didn't get them, asshole) and it was a madhouse. All the rude people were out. One woman in particular really pissed me off when I came around the end of an aisle and she was parked in the middle of the aisle I turned on and then had the nerve to tell me that I needed to move, she needed out. I had already started backing up to let her out when she said that and I just stopped. I looked at her and said "I *was* trying" and gave her the "look". You know the one, "I was trying but you opened your big fat mouth and now you can forget me moving, find another damned way out, you hag". We had a stand-off for a minute and she finally turned her cart another way. Normally, I wouldn't dream of being so rude, but I have totally had it with letting people get away with that shit. I think grocery store aisles are like the highway, keep your ass to the right, pass courteously, don't leave your car sitting in the middle of the road unattended and by god don't tailgate me. It is bad enough that people run all willy-nilly in the stores but then when they have the gall to be rude on top of it, that tears it. Like I said, some days I really don't want to leave the house and go out into the great stupid masses. They're dragging me down with them! I must be better than that!

Crabby

Fun meme stuff. I saw this at Joelle's who found it at Stacy's who found it here .
The idea is to strike out the stuff that doesn't apply to me. Interesting how many of them do.

JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.(maybe to some but I don't think I am) Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. (does this mean homely ugly or homely likes to be home??) Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

10 steps to a perfect manicure (or pedicure)

Supplies: Bowl of warm water with one squirt liquid hand soap, orangewood stick or stick with plastic tipped cuticle pusher, hand towel, emory board, 3 or 4-way buffer, Q-tips, polish remover, base coat (Stickey by Creative or similar), polish of your choice, top coat, UV nail dryer.

1. Soak fingertips in bowl of warm, soapy water for 3 or 4 minutes.
2. Remove from water and using orangewood stick or cuticle pusher, gently push cuticles back. Rinse. Dry with hand towel, pushing cuticles back with towel.
3. File edges of nails with emory board, going in one direction. Don’t saw back and forth as it tears the nail.
4. Buff nails using 3 or 4-way buffer, following steps numbered on buffer.
5. Rinse hands to remove residue. Dry thoroughly.
6. Dip Q-tip in polish remover and rub over each nail.
7. Apply thin layer of base coat. Let set one minute.
8. Apply two thin coats polish, waiting one minute between coats.
9. Apply thin layer of top coat.
10. Place hands under UV dryer for several minutes until set.
    

Useful tips: Store nail polish in refrigerator. Remove and let reach room temperature before using. Roll polish bottle between your palms, never shake it. Don’t polish your nails under an a/c vent or fan. Don’t change your polish more than once a week or your nails will dry out.

Keep in mind this deals with the nails only. There are many more extras that you can do to keep your hands and feet looking great. Lotion is a must. A foot scrub or sloughing lotion massaged onto feet keeps them smooth. Pumice stones aren't a good idea as they really only make the skin tougher.

This post was inspired by a post over on livejournal on the hip_domestics forum. I realized that many people don't know the proper steps to follow for a professional manicure.

The one where I attempt to broaden your musical horizons.

What you should be listening to if you aren't already.

Michelle Lambert - I'm Fallin'
Langhorne Slim - Counting Fireflies
Carlos Santana & John Lee Hooker - Chill Out
Lucinda Williams - ANYTHING she's done. Fantastic.
Loretta Lynn - Portland Oregon (The whole Van Lear Rose album really)
Ryan Adams - La Cienega Just Smiled (HOLY SHIT, why am I just discovering this guy?? I am blown away)

I really wish I had a big ass server where I could upload this stuff and you guys could just download it. But it is worth going out there and looking for.

Ahh.. my eyes.
Link via me(ish)

One of those days.

I am having chicken pot pie for breakfast.

"Deluge"
I'm watching the pouring rain
streaming down,
washing away everything in its path.
And I'm wishing that I could
step outside
and wash the memory of you
from my mind,
your touch from my body.
Instead,
I am flooded with images
of rainy days ,
bodies twined under the covers.
The downpour muffling
the sounds of love.
It occurs to me that I am glad
that removing your imprint on me
isn't something the rain can do,
rather
its purpose of nurturing
is to remind me of possibility.

My new favorite song

I CANNOT stop playing this damn thing every time I see the link! Help me! Bwhahahaha

*insert snazzy title here*

When the weather turns hot, as it does soon and often here in Texas, I rarely drink hot beverages. My dad has always said that if you are hot you should drink something hot and it will cool you down, and if you are cold drink something cold and it will warm you up. I always thought he was full of it. I mean, he is always coming up with insane, backwoods stuff like that and never once has it been credited. However, and forgive me because I forget where I read this, come to find out there has been scientific research done that proves his theory true. Of course, I haven't told HIM that. What brought that tidbit of information on was that the weather has been unseasonably cool and rainy here and I am sitting and drinking a cup of hot chai tea. Mmm. I haven't had any in months and had forgotten how good it is.
I haven't been doing as much posting as I keep telling myself I should here lately. I keep my book blog updated somewhat more frequently, and yesterday I started a flab to fab blog. I also have a livejournal but admit that it is only so that I can post and comment on some of my fave sites there and I don't ever really post anything on it. WHAT in the cornbread hell am I doing with so many blogs if I am not going to actually dedicate any time to updating them? Although, it's not like any one really reads them. They are mostly for my own venting/progress tracking (or lack thereof)/inane rambling. Such as I am doing now.
So, what has been going on lately, you ask? Well, let's see. This summer I've been back home to visit briefly. I thought I was going to get away with not going back for a while, but my Mamaw was dying so I had to get back. I spent another week there that time. The oldest two kidlets have been at their dad's a lot this summer, leaving me and the Willabeast here with not a whole heck of a lot to do. Other than her destroying things, and me cleaning up the messes. My youngest brother came and got my mom after the funeral so she is out in Georgia with him. I talked to her last night and she's ready to come home and wants me to come and get her. Which I would be more than glad to do if Jan (my ex-mil) would hurry up and get the car that she is giving me fixed. Yes, my ex-mother-in-law is GIVING me a car. It's a late 90s model Ford Contour (which oddly enough was mine in the first place, she took over payments when we bought a Grand Cherokee) and is in MUCH better condition than the hunk of shit on wheels that I am currently driving. I'm sure y'all have heard me bitching about not having an a/c and windows that will roll down. NOT a good combination in the good ol' Texas summertime. So, anyways, as soon as she gets some minor little things on the Contour fixed it is mine. Funnily enough, the day she went to buy her new car, the driver side window went out on the one she is giving me. It's like the damn thing KNEW. But, she's a good egg and it getting it fixed. And then I guess I will be road tripping it to Georgia. It's about a 13 hour drive from here. But, I don't mind as it will give me some alone time. I haven't been kid free in about 3 years, other than when I have had the various surgeries in the last couple of years. Those don't count as vacations. My brother wants me to move to Georgia. This will be a good opportunity to check it out and see if it's anywhere I'd want to live. Although, it has to be better than here. But, that's not saying much.
I can't really think of anything else of any interest that has been going on around here this summer. Well, other than the ex and his wife are starting up again with "the kids can come live with us and go to school over here if you think that's ok" bullshit. Yeah, just so you don't have to pay child support anymore. But, let's not get started on that particular rant at this time. It would take more time than I have tea for.

I can't quit hitting replay. This is freakin HILARIOUS!!! 

huh. imagine that.

Which John Cusack Are You?

words to get lost in. i'm in love. 

Semper Fucking Fi 

Oh.My.Gawd. Don't forget to click "read the rest". bwhahahaha  

HALLELUJAH! She hath returnethed!
 

Classic! 

I love Jean-Paul Gaultier.
 

This is cool

Click here to go to site. 

Testing out BloggerBot 

bwwhahaha

Crafty Ninja

It lives

Here lately I've still been in the mood to just read other peoples' journals and stay away from mine. I haven't had many nice things to say lately. The kids have been making me insane. So, there has been a regime change here and they are grounded for the next 3 weeks. I know, sounds harsh, but they have been hellions including at school and so far nothing has got their attention. This will. They will be grounded for 3 weeks and for every infraction there are days added to their "sentence". They'll get the idea or they are in for a long and boring summer sitting in their rooms. But hey, it'll be quiet around here! I'm highly pissed off at my ex due to his not having sent my child support yet. Even after I called him and informed him that we are out of everything and it's been a month and a half. He just sends it whenever he wants to and expects that to be okay. I guess I should be thankful that he sends it, but still. He's not the one sitting here with 2 diapers, very little toilet paper, etc etc.
Eric is as usual the bomb-diggety! He got me Season One of Samurai Jack on DVD! How cool is that?? But then again he's always cool. *does the happy dance* And now I am off to bed. Bono's nachos, y'all.

In lieu of actual content...

It's quiz night!

"Which American City Are You?"

Seattle
Your dark exterior masks a caffeine driven activism. You'll take up a cause and you'll get ugly to advance it.

"Which prop from 'American Pie' are you?"

Warm Apple Pie
You are the warm apple pie! It may seem like a contradiction but you are true-blue Americana and the object of every freudian fantasy.

"What swear word are you?"
You Are Fuck!
Go fuck yourself.

"What color are you?"
blue
You are a friendly, trustworthy person. Friends know they can depend on you. Your inner favorite color is blue.

"Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? "

Ta mo bhriste tri thine
Ta mo bhriste tri thine - 'My trousers are on fire.'You're a few bricks short of a load, aren't you? You're probably not allowed to use sharp objects and you should be locked in a rubber room. With Rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats. They drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. With rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats...

spiffy!

Wow, so blogger has made some big changes! We have lots of new stuff to play with so I gave the site a makeover tonight. What do ya think? I like. So, y'all use those comments already! The older posts won't have commenting but from here on out there will be comments enabled so give me some feedback now and again. I am not here just to hear myself type. Well, okay, I am but .. just put your 2 cents worth in anyway!

interestin'

You Are a Plain Ole Cup of Joe But don't think plain - instead think, uncomplicated You're a low maintenance kind of girl... who can hang with the guys Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that's you: the friend everyone invites. And your dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear. What Kind Of Coffee Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Pay no attention to the blogger behind the curtain

Well, here we are again, and it's been a week since my last update. Blame Eric. (well, hey, so long as it isn't me! :p )
So, let's see. Nothing exciting to report. Haven't done anything other than the usual. We've watched some good movies. Ate some good food. Had some good.... uhm.. fun. Eric and I went to the end of year BBQ thingy for the Computer Science Math Geek depts the other night and it was pretty fun. He's like a scholar and stuff! I lurve geeks.
I broke my toe. That was fun.
The weight loss thing isn't going so quick. I think I'm at 165 now which is where I THOUGHT I was before. So, I'm basically back where I should have started. NOW it's 20 pounds. Or else I am not going to be seen in swimwear. Hayull no. I really need to get back to the Pilates thing every day. Too bad I'm a lazy wench. And a hungry one. Sex makes me hungry. Shouldn't the two cancel each other out? It's exercise. Right? Hmph.
I changed my links over there to the right, for those of you who actually pay attention to such things. I put it all on blogrolling so that it's not so big of a pain in the butt to update.
I had an invite today to join a pretty cool livejournal community. Go over to fallsgeeks and check it out. Of course, unless you're from Wichita Falls, it's not going to interest you a whole lot.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go! Move along. Nothing to see here.

Sunday Brunch

New meme thing since I am far too lazy for any actual content.

Do It Yourself
Would you be able to do these things yourself or have someone do it for you?

1. Fix a flat tire.
2. Fix a tear or make alterations to clothing.
3. Unclog a severely plugged up sink or toilet.
4. Change the oil in your car.
5. Put together an unassembled toy or piece of furniture out of the box.

Yes to all of the above. And then some. My family has made sure to teach me and my brothers along the way to be completely self-sufficient. And I can do anything they can do (and I can do it better nah na nanny boo boo). Well, some of it. heh But, yes, there really isn't much that I can't do for myself except for some of the highly technical/brute strength stuff. I haven't had anyone around to take care of that kind of stuff for the most part so it is nice to be able to rely on myself. It is/would be nice to have someone around to take care of the things I can't. Fortunately, there are people I can call on for the stuff I can't take care of, but it is a rare occasion that I have to. I really feel sorry for these people who aren't able to take care of the day to day stuff. And women who act as if they aren't capable of doing such things annoy me to no end. Yeah, it would be nice to have someone to take care of everything for us, but it isn't realistic for some of us. A good relationship, in my opinion, blends each persons talents and they contribute what they are skilled at, helping each other and maybe learning something along the way.

Wait watchers

So, I have been really bad about updating lately. There's just been other things I'd prefer to be doing for a change, rather than lack of anything to say. I have plenty to say, but most of it I am hoarding, and am going to selfishly keep it all to myself so that I may take it out in private and hold it in my hand and admire it as a child might a secret treasure.
But, I do have a niggling little problem. And since I am unable to hold myself accountable, I am going to call upon you, dear readers and friends, to do that for me. Accountability sucks at times, no? Especially when you have an extreme lack of self-control and an overwhelming junk food habit. Yes, that is what this is all about. I still have 20 pounds to go. No, 45 wasn't enough! 20 more, I say! At least. I would like to be able to wear a swimsuit this summer and not look as if I were a sausage stuffed into its casing. So, help a sister out here. I am going to be posting my weight here now, and then I will follow up once a week. Feel free to cast aspersions and throw tomatoes if the numbers have not decreased. (rotten tomatoes only please, lest I eat them). Today's grand total is... are you ready for this? Ok. Here goes. This is harder than I thought it would be. Right. I weigh... and keep in mind that I usually weigh in the morning so that it is less and it is now 2:30 and I have had food and all that and oh okay I'll quit dithering now. I weigh 173??? Sheee-it. A few days ago it was only 163. Maybe we should try that again in the morning. Anyways. That's what the scale says as of 2:33 pm on April 20, 2004. That's worse than I thought because that in essence means I need to get back down to 163 and then lose 20 pounds. So... 30 it is. Ugh.

Hidy hidy hidy hi, hidy hidy hidy ho

Today was really craptacular

I got out of bed just before breakfast because the smell of cooking bacon woke me up.

I feel sad, because Sarah and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.

I'm so happy. I just found out that I have been accepted into Harvard. And Yale. I don't know which to choose... oh, why is life so hard sometimes?

Last night I had to shave my entire body. Apparently, the lice that I caught from Amanda's friend are really hard to get rid of. I look quite strange with no hair and eyebrows. I'd post pictures, but my webcam is broken.

I want to tell the world to get fucked.

I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's ten thousand photographs of my cat.

I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have a terrible skin disease which prevents me from coming into contact with other human beings. And bipolar disorder.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with some naked photos of myself. (Not safe for work - teehee).


Created with the Gregor's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater™. Update your journal today!
Powered by Rum and Monkey

Happy Good Friday!

The Friday Five isn't relevant today, but I saw this meme at jewdez and The Go Fish and liked it better.


Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"Worth it, though!" She stroked my face like she was petting a kitten. "It's a baby's bottom, is your face."

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
The entertainment center

What is the last thing you watched on TV?
A PBS documentary about a fish

With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The TV, my kids playing outside, windchimes

When did you last step outside?
About 30 minutes ago

Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
My email

What are you wearing?
Shortie pajamas with bugs on them

Did you dream last night?
Not that I remember

When did you last laugh?
Last night

What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Paint

Seen anything weird lately?
Not weird enough for me to remember offhand

What do you think of this quiz?
Kind of random, random is good

What is the last movie you saw?
The Ring

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A car

Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I have psychic powers.

If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Every person would have a good home, a decent car and no worries about food or bills or lack of necessities. And every person in the world would be provided healthcare.

Do you like to dance?
Yep
George Bush is he a power-crazy nut case or someone who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
I don't think he is either.

Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
If it had been a girl, it would have been Sophia something.

Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Don't have to imagine. His name is Jaron.

Would you ever consider living abroad?
I consider it all the time, but it is more of a dream at the moment.

Sweet Fancy Moses

I love Clem Snide's new song!!! Wow. I am hooked. I already loved them, but this song rocks my socks off. Scroll down to where it says Listen to All Green or whatever it says. Or just click here. These guys make my ears so happy!

mOnkey see, monkey do

Well, I am completely and totally unoriginal and still have nothing of interest to say so I will post this amusing little 9 layer thingy for non-consumption.

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Cristina
-- Birth date: July 14, 1971
-- Birthplace: Graham, Texas
-- Current Location: Wichita Falls, Texas
-- Eye Color: blue-grey
-- Hair Color: dark brown
-- Height: 5'7"
-- Righty or Lefty: righty tighty
-- Zodiac Sign: Cancer, can't you tell... since I'm so crabby?

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Scots, German, Irish, English, some Native American and who knows what else is in the woodpile.
-- The shoes you wore today: Happy Bunny flip-flops
-- Your weakness: Threesomes with Ben & Jerry, books, and shiny magazines.
-- Your fears: Senility (dementia, Alzheimer's), horrible disfiguring accident, knowing I am dying, being alone for the rest of my life.
-- Your perfect pizza: Ahh Pizza Roma shrimp, mushroom and sun-dried tomato with white sauce.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: To just keep on keepin' on

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: a'ight, ahhh, and ahahahahahaha
-- Your first waking thoughts: Fucking alarm clock. Yeah, you too, you bastard phone.
-- Your best physical feature: I'm told my eyes and my ass. I dunno.
-- Your most missed memory: I don't miss my memories, I still have them all. Well, the ones I want to remember.

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Dr. Pepper
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King if I really had to choose.
-- Single or group dates: Either one, but I'd prefer single.
-- Adidas or Nike: New Balance
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Depends on what it is.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee or frappucchino

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Only when I'm on fire.
-- Cuss: Never. What are you, fucking nuts?
-- Sing: Badly.
-- Take a shower everyday: Generally. Sometimes twice a day. I rarely skip a day.
-- Do you think you've been in love: I wanna know what love is. I've been in versions of love.
-- Want to go to college: Not especially.
-- Liked high school: Not in the least. I hated school from about 4th grade on.
-- Want to get married: Yes.
-- Believe in yourself: No, I'm like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
-- Get motion sickness: Usually only in the back seat. Sometimes in the front, depending on who is driving.
-- Think you're attractive: I'd do me.
-- Think you're a health freak: Only in the sense that my health is freakish.
-- Get along with your parent(s): Yeah, I do now.
-- Like thunderstorms: That's a resounding YES!
-- Play an instrument: Only if the skin flute counts.

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Nope.
-- Smoked: Yep.
-- Done a drug: Prescription ones.
-- Made Out: Yes.
-- Gone on a date: Nope.
-- Gone to the mall?: Nope.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: Nope (Not that they come in boxes. Unless you're talking the ones at the grocery store before they unpack and shelve them. Good God, no in that case.)
-- Eaten sushi: I wish!
-- Been on stage: No.
-- Been dumped: Not in the general sense of dumped, but yeah, I think so
-- Gone skating: Hell no, i don't want to break a hip!
-- Made homemade cookies: I'm not Betty Crocker.
-- Dyed your hair: I'm a recovering dye-aholic.
-- Stolen Anything: Not that I am aware of.

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yeah, several.
-- If so, was it mixed company: Yep.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Dude, where's my car?!?
-- Been caught "doing something": hehehe many times
-- Been called a tease: Once years and years ago but I wasn't.
-- Gotten beaten up: Sort of.
-- Shoplifted: Yeah, back in my way younger days.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: No, I never fit in anyway.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: uhm.. 40? I'll just have to give up and become a crazy old cat lady if I'm not by then.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 3. Jaron, Maddy, Willa.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Vegas, baby!
-- How do you want to die: In my sleep like my Grandpa. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. (heh NOT REALLY!)
-- Where you want to go to college: I don't.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: I don't want to grow up.
-- What country would you most like to visit: Great Britian, New Zealand.

LAYER NINE:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: So many I lost the ability to count.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: I'd like to think there's a few, but I'm not a very trusting person.
-- Number of CDs that I own: Haven't a clue. Not many.
-- Number of piercings: 7. 3 in one ear, 4 in the other. Used to have my eyebrow pierced.
-- Number of tattoos: Two.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: I dunno, a few. More if you count the police blotter.
-- Number of scars on my body: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13...hell.. too many to sit here and count. I'll run out of fingers and toes.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: I don't live my life with regrets. I'd be mired in a quicksand of remorse.

Bad blogger! Bad!

I know, I know. I've been very neglectful here. But in my defense I was out of town for almost a week with no internet access. Otherwise, I just haven't had much to say. Well, I take that back. I've had plenty to say but y'all really don't want to hear me bitch and moan and whine, now do ya? Didn't think so. It's pretty much a broken record anyways. Kids driving me crazy, need a vacation (from them), preferably one involving a lot of sex (or just any sex anytime at all), my car sucks ass and is fallin' apart on me, I am broke already, etc, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseum. So, unless any of y'all can do anything about any of that... well, don't be bitchin' cuz I'm not postin'.

The Friday Five

(Yeah, yeah, I backdated it. Shuddup.)

If you...

1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
Hmm... if I were doing the cooking? Homestyle definitely. Lots of soups and sandwiches and chili and stuff. I actually want a lunch counter/coffee bar/bookstore. And I had a great idea over the weekend. Why not have a laundromat with it all, too? Anyone want to venture into business with me? I think it would really work.

2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
Books, definitely books. And maybe mixed media. And coffee and stuff. See above.

3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
Chick Lit probably.

4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
Oral Gratification

5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
Eek! Y'all definitely don't want me singing. Much less recording my singing. But if I could sing I'd want to be able to sing bluesy, torch music. Something sexy and soulful. Like Portishead maybe.

Elvis Costello - She

She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
Maybe my treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She may be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a Heaven or a Hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell....

She, who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She maybe the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows in the past
That I remember 'till the day I die

She maybe the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I care for through the rough and ready years

Me, I'll take the laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She....She
Oh, she....

Friday Five

1. What was the last song you heard?
Still Frame by Trapt

2. What were the last two movies you saw?
The Missing and Pieces of April

3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Weell, I went grocery shopping a few hours ago so a bunch of things were purchased there. Went and bought the kids some dress-up type rocks star clothes at the resale shops before that. And bought some gas before that.

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
Hmmm.... win the lotto. Ha. I SHOULD clean house and clean off my dresser in my bedroom and clean the kids toy boxes out. But as far as NEED to? Nothing I can think of other than get laid. (Oh, oops, did I say that out loud?)

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
Matt, my mom, my kids

Friday Five

What was...

1. ...your first grade teacher's name?
Nell Wheat

2. ...your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?
Hey, Hey, Hey... It's Fat Albert! And it wasn't a cartoon but I LOVED Captain Kangaroo.

3. ...the name of your very first best friend?
I had two. They were sisters. Amy and Karen

4. ...your favorite breakfast cereal?
Lucky Charms! Still is. They're magically delicious.

5. ...your favorite thing to do after school?
Watch "after school programs" and later on the Dukes of Hazzard or play outside

She's Always a Woman - Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe
And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me

Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
But she can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

Hoot.. Hoot..

Why is it that some of us are wired to be night people? And no matter how hard we try we can't reset our internal clock to daylight hours, no matter how necessary it is? As far back as I can remember, and that's pretty far, I've always been a night owl. As a little kid, I would have to go to bed early for school and whatnot and I can remember laying there sleepless for HOURS. And of course, come morning I wouldn't want to get up. Some mornings I would go into the bathroom and lock the door as if I were getting ready for school and I would lay towels on the floor and go back to sleep for as long as I could get away with. And in the summer and on weekends, we didn't have to go to bed (or if we were made to I never went to sleep) so I was always up. Over the years I have tried and tried to do the early to bed, early to rise thing. And I just can't get it to work for me. What makes me mad is people who think that you are lazy or crazy or whatever for being that way. To this day, my dad infuriates me because he just doesn't understand that not all people are like him. Anyways, here it is almost 6 am and I haven't been to bed yet. The last couple of weeks the insomnia thing has been really bad. It doesn't help that I hate my bed being empty all the time. How stupid is that? That and when I do lay down a million and one things go through my head and I can't get any peace. Maybe I need more coffee.

I feel like I should post something, but the only words that want to come out are not good ones. I haven't been in the mood to talk lately. Haven't been in the mood to do anything really. I am feeling trapped and mentally overburdened and all I want to do is either crawl into a hole or rant and rave and kick things. It's not really that I don't want to talk, I just don't want to try to have inane conversations. Someone asks me what's up or how I am doing and I don't want to say I'm fine and that nothing is up. I want to say that I am slowly losing my mind and that everything is fucked up and that I hate my life. But, who wants to hear that. What does one say in reply to that? I don't want your fucking platitudes. I don't want "I feel ya" or "I understand" or "I know how you feel". Because you know what? You don't. (don't take the you personally, I am speaking generally here but really, you don't) You have no idea the fucked up extent of my existence. You have no idea of the feelings that go on inside of me. You have no idea what it is like to live my fucked up life. Sure, you have stress too. Sure, you get in bad moods too. Sure, you have shitty things happen to you. But you don't know how I feel and if you don't know what it is like to be me. That may sound selfish, but there it is. I don't let the real stuff out, mostly because people I don't want people to know. I don't want pity, I don't want people thinking "man, she really is messed up". It's true though. I am. But, I have learned that people don't want to hear it. And if you do tell them... well, they never look at you the same again. But, neither can I keep it all inside anymore. It eats at me. But, no one wants to hear it. I've been through this cycle before. I know it will change, and things will be better. It's hard to see the end of it though when you are so wrapped up in loneliness and despair and anger and sadness that you just don't want to go on anymore. Most days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. It's not that I want to die. It's just that I don't want to live this life anymore and I don't see a way out of it right now. I've tried, and I've tried and well... I'm tired of trying. That too will change, but until it does this is how I feel. I've said it a million times, I need a break. But, I don't seem to be going to get one. I know I need to change my attitude, but that is easier said than done. There are so many levels on which I am unhappy. And discouraged. I don't see them changing. I don't see Mr. Right walking into my life. I don't see the perfect job opening up. I don't see winning the lottery. I know these things are possible. But the way things have gone for me my entire life... I don't see them happening. Yet, I am so damned lonely and miserable and hopeful and I want someone to hold me and say everything is going to be okay. And mean it because they know the whole story and they care. And well... I don't know why I bother. I should be used to it by now. I rent movies and I don't even watch them because I want someone to watch them with. I wish for friends, but I haven't the slightest idea of how to go about finding them. That and over the years I've learned that people suck and it's just not worth trying to be friends with them because you always end up alone in the end. I don't know. I hate feeling this way. I hate wanting what I can't have. And most of all I hate not knowing why the fuck I can't have it. Am I so repulsive that people don't want to be with me? What am I doing wrong? I have yet to figure out why I can't keep a friend or a lover. I know that most of the time it's because I ditch them because they are assholes. And yes, I am an asshole sometimes too, but we all have our boundaries. I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't do bad things. That's why I quit people. Why do people quit me? Maybe I expect too much. All I know is I just want a chance. That's all. A chance.

I received an email today from a lady who had read a comment I had written on another blog. It's kind of cool that you can either help or inspire or reassure people who you have never met and never will meet with just a few words graffitied on the internet. I'm glad she took the time to send me an email. I vaguely remembered the post she was talking about, so I searched until I found it. This is the post on moodymama that she read and my comments are farther down. Take a minute to read it or you won't understand the rest of what I am about to say.
Done?
Ok.
I spent years in hell. YEARS. In HELL. I thought I was crazy. Thought I should be locked up somewhere. And it just got worse and worse and worse. When I was pregnant with Willa and the year after I had her, I was seriously considering Red River. I had been bad in years past. Breaking things, raging and raging. Hurting myself mostly. Physically anyway. Emotionally myself and others. Now, I knew a lot of it was due to my hormones, because the worst of it would hit before my period, it was bad during and some after. It was a vicious cycle. The week before my period I was like a land mine. Set and ready to go off and who knew when or on who it would go off. I was temperamental and irritable and hostile. There were times when I literally saw red. It was like the "dragon" had possessed me and I could feel the rage and hate overtaking me until I wasn't there anymore. Then, when I started my period... I was depressed. Crying constantly, getting my feelings hurt over and over for nothing. Then the week after my period, that was the worst. Suicidal, feelings of worthlessness, why should I live I am a horrible person I wish I would just die please God just take me now and get it over with. I dreamed of dying, killing myself, being killed in some random accident. Fantasized about it. And this went on for years. From the time I was 13 or 14 until I was 31 years old, progressively getting worse and worse. I had times when it wasn't so bad. But that could all change in a moment. It was always there, lurking. Since I've had the hysterectomy I have been a different person. Oh sure, I have my moods. But that's life. Now I have a handle on them and can discern between real emotion and the irrational, out-of-control monster that had overtaken my emotions. Stress is gonna happen. But when it is coming from inside of you... what do you do? Especially when you can't control it. I had taken pills upon pills upon pills to no avail. If it had gone on the way it was headed, who knows where I would be now. And I had pretty much forgotten all of that. Well, not forgotten but pushed to the back of the memory vault. Who wants to remember horrible stuff? So, I am glad that woman read my words and took a moment to write me about them. It was a great reminder. Because yeah... things could be worse.

Friday Five

1. What cologne or perfume do you wear?
The last two perfumes I wore were Wish by Chopard and Sentiment by Escada. I generally don't wear the same perfume for more than one bottle. I either get tired of it or just want a change. Right now I want some Amor Amor by Cacharel or Intense by Hugo Boss. Anyone want to indulge me?

2. What cologne or perfume do you like best on the opposite sex?
Herrera by Carolina Herrera, anything Hugo Boss.

3. What one smell can you not stomach?
My mom's perfume, that Pheremone crap.

4. What smell do you like that others might consider weird?
Gasoline, mechanic shops.

5. How do you plan to spend your weekend?
Probably the same way I spend most weekends, in extreme boredom. Anyone want to unbore me?

New blog

So, I started another blog today. Probably won't be of any interest to y'all because it is just going to be a giant listing of all the books I read, what I think about them and whatnot. But, if anyone is interested it's over here.

Calling All Angels

Santa Maria, Santa Teresa, Santa Anna, Santa Susannah
Santa Cecilia, Santa Copelia, Santa Domenica, Mary Angelica
Frater Achad, Frater Pietro, Julianus, Petronilla
Santa, Santos, Miroslaw, Vladimir
and all the rest

a man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries
and high above the church bells start to ring
and as the heaviness the body oh the heaviness settles in
somewhere you can hear a mother sing

then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road
how much weight? how much weight?
then it's how long? and how far?
and how many times before it's too late?

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
calling all angels
calling all angels
we're cryin' and we're hurtin'
and we're not sure why...

and every day you gaze upon the sunset
with such love and intensity
it's almost...it's almost as if
if you could only crack the code
then you'd finally understand what this all means

but if you could...do you think you would
trade in all the pain and suffering?
ah, but then you'd miss
the beauty of the light upon this earth
and the sweetness of the leaving

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
callin' all angels
callin' all angels
we're tryin'
we're hopin'
we're hurtin'
we're lovin'
we're cryin'
we're callin'
'cause we're not sure how this goes

Artist: Jane Siberry with k.d.lang Lyrics

This was the first song they played at my father-in-law's funeral. I hadn't heard it in forever and it was very fitting. The other one they played was Amazing Grace on the bagpipes. He always said that's what he wanted played at his funeral. Little did we know it would be so soon. Rest in peace, Grand-dad.

No witty title

Today has been a sad day. My father-in-law lost his battle with cancer. He fought long and hard, but in the end it wasn't enough. Our only consolation is that he is in a better place now. But, it isn't much when he has left behind so many who loved him at such an early age. It's hard to understand why God does the things he does. That's always been a major problem with me and religion. Why does He take a good person when there are so many bad ones wasting space on this Earth? And it's hard to try to explain why Grand-dad isn't with us anymore to my children. They don't know or care that he is in a better place and not sick and in pain anymore, they just know that they aren't ever going to get to see him or play with him again. They will understand someday, but it doesn't make it any easier NOW. For anyone of us really. His funeral is Tuesday and they want to go. It is going to be a hard day emotionally. But all we can do is get through it and try to understand. Life goes on. It will have a Grand-dad sized hole in it, but it does go on.

Do I look like I need more caffeine??

I don't know what it is about me that makes sweet young boys want to bring me coffee. Maybe they think that is the way to an old woman's heart. More likely into her panties. (Although why they would want into an old woman's panties is beyond me.) I wish that I could take them up on all the coffee offers, without the strings, just for the yummy coffee. Alas, the only sweet young boy that I want to bring me coffee is not speaking to me, so I don't hold out hopes of any more of his lovely, string-free coffee deliveries. I miss them.

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor?
Sometime in December

2. ...went to the dentist?
Yeesh, November or December of 2002.

3. ...filled your gas tank?
Day before yesterday

4. ...got enough sleep?
A few weeks

5. ...backed up your computer?
That would be never.

Which Happy Bunny am I?

you are the "you're so dumb" happy bunny.
you are brutal in your words and enjoy putting
others down.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Un Momento Alla

Que bonito fue, fuimos un par
y llenos de amor, un momento allá

No existía el bien, ni tampoco el mal,
nada más tú y yo, y un momento allá

Días sin fin, noches también,
amor así, nomás uno en la vida
Entregaré todo mi ser
por un momento allá

Te siento temblar, ¿Es porque te vas?
¿O piensas que darte un momento más?

La luz es amor, no se acabará
Longramos brillar un momento allá

Días sin fin, noches también,
amor así, nomás uno en la vida
Entregaré todo mi ser
por un momento allá


(Translation)

I find myself greatly unsettled lately. Have you ever had the feeling that you are forgetting to do something, or missing something, but for the life of you you can't figure out what it is? I feel that way all the time. I know that it is because I am not happy with the way my life it, yet can't seem to figure out what it is I need to do about it. Circumstances prevent me from doing many things. That adds to the stresses I have. I feel like I am in a giant maze and I KNOW that there are goodies stashed all around, but I keep taking the wrong paths to get to them. And when I find a goody, it either isn't what I want or some unseen force comes and takes it away from me. The hardest part is the loneliness. I have a feeling I could get some of the things in my head straight if I wasn't just so damn consumed with being lonely. I've tried to overcome that, but it's powerful. And, I've been alone so long that I think I not only grasp at the least little kindness, but I am very selfish about it as well. Of course, a lot of being alone is my fault. I have let the past cloud my judgement in some issues and old habits are hard to break, especially when you don't realize you are doing it. So, between not finding anyone worthy enough, finding someone worthy and pushing them away, and finding someone worthy and it just isn't meant to be ... well, that leaves me still alone. I often wonder why some things in life are so hard, and if maybe I make them harder than they really are. I don't know anymore. Maybe I will someday.

Yum

Since I had my gallbladder surgery, I've been trying to eat low and no fat foods. They can be a challenge to cook sometimes. Well, they are easy to cook, the challenge is making them palatable. I am getting better. But, sometimes you just gotta eat REAL food. I love to cook, but it's mostly comfort food and old favorites. I've been thinking about King Ranch Chicken for a while now and today I just had to make it. Pretty damn good if I do say so myself. Want some?

Glory Box - Portishead

(Great for getting your schwerve on.)


I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long
Just. .
Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
I just wanna be a woman
From this time, unchained
We're all looking at a different picture
Thru this new frame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over, and give us some room

So don't you stop, being a man
Just take a little look from our side when you can
Sow a little tenderness
No matter if you cry
Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be ee, a woman
Its all I wanna be is all woman
For this is the beginning of forever and ever
Its time to move over

Yay!

I now have a washer. One that works! For free! I have the best Mommy and Daddy and Clyde in the world, too.

Ex-husband Gripe #8362

Tonight was a test of the emergency back-up system. You failed miserably. Had there been an actual emergency the police would have been on your doorstep. When I call your house repeatedly and frantically and leave messages for you to call me NOW, I mean now. I don't mean whenever you goddamned well get around to it. Count your blessings that it turned out to be NOT an actual emergency. This is your final warning.

(yeah yeah, I know he isn't gonna read this, and when I tell him this in person I'll do it in a nicer way. I'm venting, y'all should be used to that.)

Laundry Gripe #372

What is worse than not having a washing machine? Having puking children and no washing machine.

Mmm... crow

Ok. So, I have always said that if I am wrong I will be the first one to admit it. It happens so rarely that it's not something that I am used to or that comes easy to me. But, here it is. I was wrong. It was wrong of me to stereotype you. It was wrong of me to think that you were like all of the other assholes I have had the misfortune to be friends with. And above all, it was wrong of me to give you attitude. That is something that I need to work on. I will also admit that. I have became far too bitter and cynical and have found it too easy to jump the gun and get my feelings hurt over something that shouldn't be such an issue. I think I have become somewhat self-absorbed and forget to think that there may be things going on in other peoples lives as well. In my head it's alway about rejection. That's what it always has been in the past, and again with the stereotyping. I have learned my lesson. I knew when we entered this relationship that things would be different. That due to circumstances it wouldn't be the usual boy/girl thing. And you aren't the usual boy. I try not to be the usual girl. So, this is the public apology for anything posted here in a snit. I'm sorry and I hope that you can forgive me.