Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Sweet Fancy Moses

I love Clem Snide's new song!!! Wow. I am hooked. I already loved them, but this song rocks my socks off. Scroll down to where it says Listen to All Green or whatever it says. Or just click here. These guys make my ears so happy!

Saturday, March 27, 2004

mOnkey see, monkey do

Well, I am completely and totally unoriginal and still have nothing of interest to say so I will post this amusing little 9 layer thingy for non-consumption.

-- Name: Cristina
-- Birth date: July 14, 1971
-- Birthplace: Graham, Texas
-- Current Location: Wichita Falls, Texas
-- Eye Color: blue-grey
-- Hair Color: dark brown
-- Height: 5'7"
-- Righty or Lefty: righty tighty
-- Zodiac Sign: Cancer, can't you tell... since I'm so crabby?

-- Your heritage: Scots, German, Irish, English, some Native American and who knows what else is in the woodpile.
-- The shoes you wore today: Happy Bunny flip-flops
-- Your weakness: Threesomes with Ben & Jerry, books, and shiny magazines.
-- Your fears: Senility (dementia, Alzheimer's), horrible disfiguring accident, knowing I am dying, being alone for the rest of my life.
-- Your perfect pizza: Ahh Pizza Roma shrimp, mushroom and sun-dried tomato with white sauce.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: To just keep on keepin' on

-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: a'ight, ahhh, and ahahahahahaha
-- Your first waking thoughts: Fucking alarm clock. Yeah, you too, you bastard phone.
-- Your best physical feature: I'm told my eyes and my ass. I dunno.
-- Your most missed memory: I don't miss my memories, I still have them all. Well, the ones I want to remember.

-- Pepsi or Coke: Dr. Pepper
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King if I really had to choose.
-- Single or group dates: Either one, but I'd prefer single.
-- Adidas or Nike: New Balance
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Depends on what it is.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee or frappucchino

-- Smoke: Only when I'm on fire.
-- Cuss: Never. What are you, fucking nuts?
-- Sing: Badly.
-- Take a shower everyday: Generally. Sometimes twice a day. I rarely skip a day.
-- Do you think you've been in love: I wanna know what love is. I've been in versions of love.
-- Want to go to college: Not especially.
-- Liked high school: Not in the least. I hated school from about 4th grade on.
-- Want to get married: Yes.
-- Believe in yourself: No, I'm like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
-- Get motion sickness: Usually only in the back seat. Sometimes in the front, depending on who is driving.
-- Think you're attractive: I'd do me.
-- Think you're a health freak: Only in the sense that my health is freakish.
-- Get along with your parent(s): Yeah, I do now.
-- Like thunderstorms: That's a resounding YES!
-- Play an instrument: Only if the skin flute counts.

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Nope.
-- Smoked: Yep.
-- Done a drug: Prescription ones.
-- Made Out: Yes.
-- Gone on a date: Nope.
-- Gone to the mall?: Nope.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: Nope (Not that they come in boxes. Unless you're talking the ones at the grocery store before they unpack and shelve them. Good God, no in that case.)
-- Eaten sushi: I wish!
-- Been on stage: No.
-- Been dumped: Not in the general sense of dumped, but yeah, I think so
-- Gone skating: Hell no, i don't want to break a hip!
-- Made homemade cookies: I'm not Betty Crocker.
-- Dyed your hair: I'm a recovering dye-aholic.
-- Stolen Anything: Not that I am aware of.

-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yeah, several.
-- If so, was it mixed company: Yep.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Dude, where's my car?!?
-- Been caught "doing something": hehehe many times
-- Been called a tease: Once years and years ago but I wasn't.
-- Gotten beaten up: Sort of.
-- Shoplifted: Yeah, back in my way younger days.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: No, I never fit in anyway.

-- Age you hope to be married: uhm.. 40? I'll just have to give up and become a crazy old cat lady if I'm not by then.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 3. Jaron, Maddy, Willa.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Vegas, baby!
-- How do you want to die: In my sleep like my Grandpa. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. (heh NOT REALLY!)
-- Where you want to go to college: I don't.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: I don't want to grow up.
-- What country would you most like to visit: Great Britian, New Zealand.

-- Number of drugs taken illegally: So many I lost the ability to count.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: I'd like to think there's a few, but I'm not a very trusting person.
-- Number of CDs that I own: Haven't a clue. Not many.
-- Number of piercings: 7. 3 in one ear, 4 in the other. Used to have my eyebrow pierced.
-- Number of tattoos: Two.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: I dunno, a few. More if you count the police blotter.
-- Number of scars on my body: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13...hell.. too many to sit here and count. I'll run out of fingers and toes.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: I don't live my life with regrets. I'd be mired in a quicksand of remorse.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Bad blogger! Bad!

I know, I know. I've been very neglectful here. But in my defense I was out of town for almost a week with no internet access. Otherwise, I just haven't had much to say. Well, I take that back. I've had plenty to say but y'all really don't want to hear me bitch and moan and whine, now do ya? Didn't think so. It's pretty much a broken record anyways. Kids driving me crazy, need a vacation (from them), preferably one involving a lot of sex (or just any sex anytime at all), my car sucks ass and is fallin' apart on me, I am broke already, etc, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseum. So, unless any of y'all can do anything about any of that... well, don't be bitchin' cuz I'm not postin'.

Friday, March 19, 2004

The Friday Five

(Yeah, yeah, I backdated it. Shuddup.)

If you...

1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
Hmm... if I were doing the cooking? Homestyle definitely. Lots of soups and sandwiches and chili and stuff. I actually want a lunch counter/coffee bar/bookstore. And I had a great idea over the weekend. Why not have a laundromat with it all, too? Anyone want to venture into business with me? I think it would really work.

2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
Books, definitely books. And maybe mixed media. And coffee and stuff. See above.

3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
Chick Lit probably.

4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
Oral Gratification

5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
Eek! Y'all definitely don't want me singing. Much less recording my singing. But if I could sing I'd want to be able to sing bluesy, torch music. Something sexy and soulful. Like Portishead maybe.

Friday, March 12, 2004

Elvis Costello - She

She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
Maybe my treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She may be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a Heaven or a Hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell....

She, who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She maybe the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows in the past
That I remember 'till the day I die

She maybe the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I care for through the rough and ready years

Me, I'll take the laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
Oh, she....

Friday Five

1. What was the last song you heard?
Still Frame by Trapt

2. What were the last two movies you saw?
The Missing and Pieces of April

3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Weell, I went grocery shopping a few hours ago so a bunch of things were purchased there. Went and bought the kids some dress-up type rocks star clothes at the resale shops before that. And bought some gas before that.

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
Hmmm.... win the lotto. Ha. I SHOULD clean house and clean off my dresser in my bedroom and clean the kids toy boxes out. But as far as NEED to? Nothing I can think of other than get laid. (Oh, oops, did I say that out loud?)

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
Matt, my mom, my kids

Friday, March 05, 2004

Friday Five

What was...

1. ...your first grade teacher's name?
Nell Wheat

2. ...your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?
Hey, Hey, Hey... It's Fat Albert! And it wasn't a cartoon but I LOVED Captain Kangaroo.

3. ...the name of your very first best friend?
I had two. They were sisters. Amy and Karen

4. ...your favorite breakfast cereal?
Lucky Charms! Still is. They're magically delicious.

5. ...your favorite thing to do after school?
Watch "after school programs" and later on the Dukes of Hazzard or play outside

Thursday, March 04, 2004

She's Always a Woman - Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe
And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me

Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
But she can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

Hoot.. Hoot..

Why is it that some of us are wired to be night people? And no matter how hard we try we can't reset our internal clock to daylight hours, no matter how necessary it is? As far back as I can remember, and that's pretty far, I've always been a night owl. As a little kid, I would have to go to bed early for school and whatnot and I can remember laying there sleepless for HOURS. And of course, come morning I wouldn't want to get up. Some mornings I would go into the bathroom and lock the door as if I were getting ready for school and I would lay towels on the floor and go back to sleep for as long as I could get away with. And in the summer and on weekends, we didn't have to go to bed (or if we were made to I never went to sleep) so I was always up. Over the years I have tried and tried to do the early to bed, early to rise thing. And I just can't get it to work for me. What makes me mad is people who think that you are lazy or crazy or whatever for being that way. To this day, my dad infuriates me because he just doesn't understand that not all people are like him. Anyways, here it is almost 6 am and I haven't been to bed yet. The last couple of weeks the insomnia thing has been really bad. It doesn't help that I hate my bed being empty all the time. How stupid is that? That and when I do lay down a million and one things go through my head and I can't get any peace. Maybe I need more coffee.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

I feel like I should post something, but the only words that want to come out are not good ones. I haven't been in the mood to talk lately. Haven't been in the mood to do anything really. I am feeling trapped and mentally overburdened and all I want to do is either crawl into a hole or rant and rave and kick things. It's not really that I don't want to talk, I just don't want to try to have inane conversations. Someone asks me what's up or how I am doing and I don't want to say I'm fine and that nothing is up. I want to say that I am slowly losing my mind and that everything is fucked up and that I hate my life. But, who wants to hear that. What does one say in reply to that? I don't want your fucking platitudes. I don't want "I feel ya" or "I understand" or "I know how you feel". Because you know what? You don't. (don't take the you personally, I am speaking generally here but really, you don't) You have no idea the fucked up extent of my existence. You have no idea of the feelings that go on inside of me. You have no idea what it is like to live my fucked up life. Sure, you have stress too. Sure, you get in bad moods too. Sure, you have shitty things happen to you. But you don't know how I feel and if you don't know what it is like to be me. That may sound selfish, but there it is. I don't let the real stuff out, mostly because people I don't want people to know. I don't want pity, I don't want people thinking "man, she really is messed up". It's true though. I am. But, I have learned that people don't want to hear it. And if you do tell them... well, they never look at you the same again. But, neither can I keep it all inside anymore. It eats at me. But, no one wants to hear it. I've been through this cycle before. I know it will change, and things will be better. It's hard to see the end of it though when you are so wrapped up in loneliness and despair and anger and sadness that you just don't want to go on anymore. Most days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. It's not that I want to die. It's just that I don't want to live this life anymore and I don't see a way out of it right now. I've tried, and I've tried and well... I'm tired of trying. That too will change, but until it does this is how I feel. I've said it a million times, I need a break. But, I don't seem to be going to get one. I know I need to change my attitude, but that is easier said than done. There are so many levels on which I am unhappy. And discouraged. I don't see them changing. I don't see Mr. Right walking into my life. I don't see the perfect job opening up. I don't see winning the lottery. I know these things are possible. But the way things have gone for me my entire life... I don't see them happening. Yet, I am so damned lonely and miserable and hopeful and I want someone to hold me and say everything is going to be okay. And mean it because they know the whole story and they care. And well... I don't know why I bother. I should be used to it by now. I rent movies and I don't even watch them because I want someone to watch them with. I wish for friends, but I haven't the slightest idea of how to go about finding them. That and over the years I've learned that people suck and it's just not worth trying to be friends with them because you always end up alone in the end. I don't know. I hate feeling this way. I hate wanting what I can't have. And most of all I hate not knowing why the fuck I can't have it. Am I so repulsive that people don't want to be with me? What am I doing wrong? I have yet to figure out why I can't keep a friend or a lover. I know that most of the time it's because I ditch them because they are assholes. And yes, I am an asshole sometimes too, but we all have our boundaries. I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't do bad things. That's why I quit people. Why do people quit me? Maybe I expect too much. All I know is I just want a chance. That's all. A chance.