Thursday, February 19, 2004
I find myself greatly unsettled lately. Have you ever had the feeling that you are forgetting to do something, or missing something, but for the life of you you can't figure out what it is? I feel that way all the time. I know that it is because I am not happy with the way my life it, yet can't seem to figure out what it is I need to do about it. Circumstances prevent me from doing many things. That adds to the stresses I have. I feel like I am in a giant maze and I KNOW that there are goodies stashed all around, but I keep taking the wrong paths to get to them. And when I find a goody, it either isn't what I want or some unseen force comes and takes it away from me. The hardest part is the loneliness. I have a feeling I could get some of the things in my head straight if I wasn't just so damn consumed with being lonely. I've tried to overcome that, but it's powerful. And, I've been alone so long that I think I not only grasp at the least little kindness, but I am very selfish about it as well. Of course, a lot of being alone is my fault. I have let the past cloud my judgement in some issues and old habits are hard to break, especially when you don't realize you are doing it. So, between not finding anyone worthy enough, finding someone worthy and pushing them away, and finding someone worthy and it just isn't meant to be ... well, that leaves me still alone. I often wonder why some things in life are so hard, and if maybe I make them harder than they really are. I don't know anymore. Maybe I will someday.