Sunday, December 28, 2003
It's a wonder it hasn't withered up and blown away. This is why I don't have houseplants. I wonder how my kids have survived?! I've been somewhat busy lately what with getting ready for Christmas (what little I did). Mostly I have just been a lazy ass and haven't wanted to post. I'd rather waste my time reading about everyone else's seemingly cool lives. I'm glad this year is almost over. I hope that next year will be a better one. It has to be. I was dreading Christmas really bad. I know it isn't about the presents and all, but tell my oldest two kids that. I haven't always been able to provide them with a huge Christmas, but it has always been really good stuff. This year my son came and crawled in bed with me Christmas morning. He woke me up and whispered to me "Mom, Santa came. He sure didn't leave much." I wanted to close my eyes and either cry or go back to sleep forever. One group present (a $35 DVD player from Walmart and a DVD) and one present each (a tshirt) just doesn't cut it. Yeah, yeah, I realize there are kids who got far less, and that there are kids who don't have parents or at least mothers who love them like I do my kids... and that their dad and step-mom and his mom more than compensated... but that isn't the point. I let them down. I want better for my kids. And I feel really bad that circumstances have been what they have been lately and this is the fallout. Well, enough of that. It's over and done and all I can do is hope that next year is better. How was y'all's Christmas? (Yes, that is too a word)
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Today has sort of been one of those days. You know the ones? Where your mood changes like quicksilver and you feel out of control? Nothing has gone your way for so long that you don't ever see it coming again? I have always been a "driving in the car really fast with the stereo blaring the nastiest rock available" kind of stress reliever. Today, I had enough so I had to get out. My hoopty doesn't have a cd player so I just listen to the radio in the car. Fortunately, we now have a decent radio station here. So, I was out for a drive... no, not a fast one, I am not recovered enough from the surgery for the maneuvering involved... and was listening to the radio when this here song came on. Now, I haven't liked anything of theirs in a few years, but when I heard this one I was like "HAYULL YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT". Yeah, it's a bit extreme, but there are days when we feel like that about people we really do love. I have felt that way a lot lately.
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Monday, December 08, 2003
I know it's a bad habit to post song lyrics and call them a proper post. But, music is a big part of our lives. Or some of our lifes anyway. And sometimes I hear the lyrics to a song and I'm like "Yeah.... that's it." Something I have in my head, a conflict or feeling that I can't put into words myself. I've long been a fan of Oasis and I had forgotten about this song. It is so fitting at this point in my life. Well, any point in life, but it really speaks to me right now.
Friday, December 05, 2003
I have a secret fetish. Ok, so I have several but let's stick with this one for now, shall we? People see mistletoe and automatically think about kissing. What do they think about when they see a Christmas tree? Presents? Pretty lights and ornaments? Me, I think about something totally unrelated. When I see a Christmas tree, my mind goes to other things under the tree. Like two naked bodies intertwined. Yes, that's right. I have a sex under the Christmas tree fetish. Am I alone in this or do other people think of the same thing? I think I must be fairly alone in this because while this is a major fetish for me, I've never once actually DONE it. Someday, though, I will.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
In a conversation earlier today, I was saying that one reason I haven't been to the movie theater in many years is because I don't like going by myself. No sooner than the words were out, I was thinking "What?". I do so too enjoy going to the moving by myself! I enjoy going out to eat by myself. I enjoy going shopping by myself. In fact, I have no problem going anywhere by myself. Ok, maybe I do regarding bars or clubs. But, as far as anywhere else is concerned, especially the movie theater, I've never had any qualms about going alone. I have been saying this for many years, however. I think it is due to the fact that I am tired of being alone and I simply want someone to go with. I also think it's somewhat of a cop out, a pat reason why I don't get out and do something when and if given the chance. Isn't it funny how if you say something often enough and long enough, you start to believe it yourself? I have convinced myself of many things that way, in retrospect. I am positive that I am not the only one. I think we all must do it. "This relationship is working/will work." "I enjoy being single." "My ass doesn't look fat in these pants." I'm thinking a re-evaluation of some of the things we have been telling ourselves and others for years is in order.