guh. *thud*

 

Dear John Poetry II

I close my eyes
your image is burned inside
the feel of your hands
imprinted on my body
your voice
memorized by my ears

I whisper “I love you”
to fly out the window
be picked up on the breeze
and be carried
over the treetops and roofs
and find your ear

Take heed
remember
my heart
still belongs to you
then, now, always
don’t let it waste away

(the first is here)

mmm... supper 

Raising Cain

Raising kids up to be decent people is hard work. Especially when you're doing it on your own. Even harder is a single mom raising a boy up in a house full of females. Oh, sure, he has his "Dad" (and I use the term loosely) on the occasional weekend. I think it's important for kids, but most especially boys, to have a good male role model. I'm not a man, I can't teach him how to be a man. A GOOD man, at that. I can give him the basics, but it's just not the same. I also don't have a good male role model for them. Not one who is around on a regular basis anyway. My Dad and my brothers are all too far away to be of any help. It's sort of down to me against everybody else right now. Me against them, me against the less than stellar school system. Trying to be everything to everybody can wear you down. Things with the boy aren't going so hot right now. He's 10. Age is a huge factor in this. But, so is the kind of people he is subjected to at school. And not having anyone but me to teach him how to act. I've raised them well. They know right from wrong, they have great manners, they're smart. I've done everything I know to do. It just isn't enough anymore. The boy is getting smart with me. He's getting in trouble at school, something he's never done before. His attitude is getting out of hand and everything I've been doing to get it back in hand isn't enough. So... what to do? Put him in counseling? Therapy? I don't know anymore. It's sad that something that could be so easily remedied with the right tools becomes such a battle without them. I'm relatively sure that it will all work out in the end; but, as I am responsible for their present and future in a way, I don't want to screw it up. Anybody has any suggestion, I'm all ears.

Excerpt from a Dear John Letter 3

You know that thing you do, when we're doing that thing we do? The one where I'm looking up at you, you're looking down at me and then you kiss my foot? Yeah. Every time you do that, I fall a little more in love with you. (And get a whole lot more turned on.)

mind spew

I was thinkin about something today that I often dredge up and ... wallow on? I don't know how to explain it. Feeling sorry for myself I guess. I'm 33 years old and I've never been on a proper date. You know the kind. Boy asks girl out to dinner and a movie. Girl accepts. Boy picks girl up from house. They go to a nice restaurant and the theater. If things go well, they have coffee after. If things go really well they agree to do it again. Boy takes girl home. I've really never been on that many dates period. I've been to the movie theater with a guy twice. Gone out to eat with them maybe 10 or so times. It makes me really sad, and kind of mad, this. I haven't had that many real relationships with men. I guess I've been with the ones I have for all the wrong reasons. Not wanting to be alone. And I've been so pathetically grateful that they would have anything to do with me, I guess I've let them treat me badly. Of course, there have been a couple that I've treated badly. Get into a relationship with them and realize it wasn't at all what you thought it would be and not know how to finish it gracefully. It's funny how when someone wants to be with you, it's never who you think is the right someone. And the ones who you want to be with don't think you are the right one. Or something. The relationship I've had going on for the last year makes me really sad. Why do I not give it up? I don't know. It's like finally you find someone who has most of the qualities that you want, need, desire and you just keep on hoping that they will decide that you are that to them. He's the perfect man? No. Would he be perfect for me? I don't know. I'd like to at least find out. I'd like to know what it is like to have what I term a real relationship. Where they really want to be with you, spend time with you. They ask you out on dates, take you to their hangouts with them and introduce you to their friends, hang out and watch movies with you, go to the park or somewhere with you. Just spend time together and see where it goes. I really don't think I'm asking for too much. Just seems to me I'm always asking it from the wrong people. Or is it the right person and the wrong time? Hell, I don't know. I am just rambling here. Last night I went over to Dear John's. It was nice to just sit and talk, he played the guitar and sang some for me, we listened to some music, just hung out. It made me wish that we could do it a lot more often. I don't know how he feels about that. I sometimes I think I want to give him more than he wants. Or he wants that, just not from me. The kids are an issue. But, not much I can do about that. I don't blame someone for not wanting to take us on. In ways. But in ways I do. If someone really wanted to be with me, all of those things wouldn't be an issue. I want someone to want to be with ME. Because they like me, they enjoy being with me and all of the other stuff can work out. I'm tired of being alone. I want to be WITH someone. This is MY man. And he loves me. And he shows it. But, I only want that particular man and I don't know that he wants me anymore. So... what to do? Give it time? Guess that's all I can do. I don't have the answers.