Sunday, December 28, 2003

Poor neglected little blog

It's a wonder it hasn't withered up and blown away. This is why I don't have houseplants. I wonder how my kids have survived?! I've been somewhat busy lately what with getting ready for Christmas (what little I did). Mostly I have just been a lazy ass and haven't wanted to post. I'd rather waste my time reading about everyone else's seemingly cool lives. I'm glad this year is almost over. I hope that next year will be a better one. It has to be. I was dreading Christmas really bad. I know it isn't about the presents and all, but tell my oldest two kids that. I haven't always been able to provide them with a huge Christmas, but it has always been really good stuff. This year my son came and crawled in bed with me Christmas morning. He woke me up and whispered to me "Mom, Santa came. He sure didn't leave much." I wanted to close my eyes and either cry or go back to sleep forever. One group present (a $35 DVD player from Walmart and a DVD) and one present each (a tshirt) just doesn't cut it. Yeah, yeah, I realize there are kids who got far less, and that there are kids who don't have parents or at least mothers who love them like I do my kids... and that their dad and step-mom and his mom more than compensated... but that isn't the point. I let them down. I want better for my kids. And I feel really bad that circumstances have been what they have been lately and this is the fallout. Well, enough of that. It's over and done and all I can do is hope that next year is better. How was y'all's Christmas? (Yes, that is too a word)

Thursday, December 11, 2003

It is so nice to know that chivalry isn't completely dead. I have long searched for a man who does the little things, holds doors open and the like. And for one to take it above and beyond? There are no words. Other than "Point him out" and "Is he single?".

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Right now

Today has sort of been one of those days. You know the ones? Where your mood changes like quicksilver and you feel out of control? Nothing has gone your way for so long that you don't ever see it coming again? I have always been a "driving in the car really fast with the stereo blaring the nastiest rock available" kind of stress reliever. Today, I had enough so I had to get out. My hoopty doesn't have a cd player so I just listen to the radio in the car. Fortunately, we now have a decent radio station here. So, I was out for a drive... no, not a fast one, I am not recovered enough from the surgery for the maneuvering involved... and was listening to the radio when this here song came on. Now, I haven't liked anything of theirs in a few years, but when I heard this one I was like "HAYULL YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT". Yeah, it's a bit extreme, but there are days when we feel like that about people we really do love. I have felt that way a lot lately.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Why am I such a misfit?

I am not just a nitwit!
Watched Rudolph for the umpteenth time tonight. I love that song!

Monday, December 08, 2003

All we know is that we don't know

I know it's a bad habit to post song lyrics and call them a proper post. But, music is a big part of our lives. Or some of our lifes anyway. And sometimes I hear the lyrics to a song and I'm like "Yeah.... that's it." Something I have in my head, a conflict or feeling that I can't put into words myself. I've long been a fan of Oasis and I had forgotten about this song. It is so fitting at this point in my life. Well, any point in life, but it really speaks to me right now.

Her loss

Give me an Average Joe ANYDAY!

Friday, December 05, 2003

Oh Christmas Tree, OOOHHHH Christmas Tree

I have a secret fetish. Ok, so I have several but let's stick with this one for now, shall we? People see mistletoe and automatically think about kissing. What do they think about when they see a Christmas tree? Presents? Pretty lights and ornaments? Me, I think about something totally unrelated. When I see a Christmas tree, my mind goes to other things under the tree. Like two naked bodies intertwined. Yes, that's right. I have a sex under the Christmas tree fetish. Am I alone in this or do other people think of the same thing? I think I must be fairly alone in this because while this is a major fetish for me, I've never once actually DONE it. Someday, though, I will.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Check yo'self

In a conversation earlier today, I was saying that one reason I haven't been to the movie theater in many years is because I don't like going by myself. No sooner than the words were out, I was thinking "What?". I do so too enjoy going to the moving by myself! I enjoy going out to eat by myself. I enjoy going shopping by myself. In fact, I have no problem going anywhere by myself. Ok, maybe I do regarding bars or clubs. But, as far as anywhere else is concerned, especially the movie theater, I've never had any qualms about going alone. I have been saying this for many years, however. I think it is due to the fact that I am tired of being alone and I simply want someone to go with. I also think it's somewhat of a cop out, a pat reason why I don't get out and do something when and if given the chance. Isn't it funny how if you say something often enough and long enough, you start to believe it yourself? I have convinced myself of many things that way, in retrospect. I am positive that I am not the only one. I think we all must do it. "This relationship is working/will work." "I enjoy being single." "My ass doesn't look fat in these pants." I'm thinking a re-evaluation of some of the things we have been telling ourselves and others for years is in order.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Without the snow. And the giant tree. And the blinding lights. Ok, so it doesn't look a lot like Christmas around here. Yet. Have y'all seen those pine cones that are cinnamon scented? Mmmmm yum! Those are awesome. I found them at Michael's and WalMart both. However, they are a bit bunged up. I'm kind of obsessive that way. I don't like for things to be messed up in anyway, especially not something you have on display in your home. So, I didn't buy any. Instead, I thought to myself "Self, you can MAKE these for a whole lot less money and have them look a whole lot better." And the kids will have fun at the park pickin up pine cones. We always go feed them to the prairie dogs anyway. May as well throw a few in a sack and bring em home and cook em up. Then it will at least begin to smell a whole lot like Christmas.

And this little piggy went waa waa waa all the way home

Well, not exactly all the way, but there were times when I wanted to. I had my gallbladder taken out Tuesday, November 25th so things have been a wee bit sore-ish the last few days. But, I'm not sick anymore! I can handle sore knowing it is going to go away WAY better than I can being sick 24/7. The surgery went fairly well. I have way more pain than I anticipated due to having adhesions all the way up to my gallbladder from the appendectomy gone awry. And, when I came to in my room (having no memories of recovery room or traveling from point A to point B to point C) I was hurling, which is nothing new, I always do that after anesthesia. Except this time it was bright red blood. Imagine if you will a highly drugged person seeing this. Come to find out they tore something in my nose when they put the NG tube down it during the surgery and my nose had been bleeding the entire time down my throat. GAH-ROSS! And scary to see coming up! Thanksgiving dinner was good for everyone else! I wasn't able to eat more than a couple of bites that day. And that was only white meat turkey, green beans, some sweet potatoes and roll since I am on a low-to-no fat diet for a while. But, I'll gladly sacrifice this Thanksgiving because now I know that the rest of them will be enjoyable. This morning I started sneezing. That wasn't a lot of fun. I think I popped a few stitches loose before I got it under control. OUCH! I may have also invented a few new words. My belly button is some rather interesting hues of blue and black and green. There are 5 lovely new soon-to-be scars added to my collection. And the worst thing? I can't drive for at least 2 weeks! ARGH!!!! Fortunately my mother is here to cart me and the chilluns around. Especially since I can't pick anything up either. Certainly not 32 pounds of wriggling, writhing Willabeast. That child is a buncha handfuls. So, I'm thankful for the help. I will be glad to get my independence back though.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Sarah McLachlan

I lurve Sarah. I guess my first favorite song of hers was Ice Cream. I really love Angel, Hold On, Sweet Surrender, Do What You Have to Do, I Love You, and Possession. Don't get me wrong, I love all her songs, but these are the ones that I can really identify with. It's funny, over all the years, that these songs have never been associated with any person... other than that person out there who I hadn't met yet, you know... THE ONE? The one that speaks to me off of her new album, Afterglow, is Push. And I do associate it with someone; but, circumstances being what they usually are... well... I don't know what to say about that right now, so I won't.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Hi, I'm the camel. See this straw?

Funny my last post should be about inappropriately medicating patients. I have been sick for around a month and a half now. Let me start at the beginning to avoid any confusing backtracking or asides (well ok they won't be avoided since I am highly prone to doing them anyways, but at least the story will be chronological).
About a month and a half ago I was suffering from the usual fall/winter sinus problems, which as usual turned into a sinus infection. I get at least two a year, in the spring and in the fall. I went to the family doctor I have been using and was seen by his Physician's Assistant. I told her the problem and the history and what meds I was taking. She prescribed for me an expectorant. I told her that I was already taking an expectorant and that would not do me any good, I needed some Zithromax. She did not agree and dismissed me. I was back two days later: couldn't breathe, wheezing, head exploding... all of the usual sinus infection/bronchitis symptoms. She said to me "It's only been 48 hours, why are you back here?" She is a rather snotty bitch. I told her why and she ordered a chest x-ray and dismissed me. I said "Enough of this bullshit" and went to the clinic where I used to work and saw one of the doctors and she said, sure enough, you not only have a nasty sinus infection but bronchitis. She gave me the proper meds and I was well within a week. Now, I had already taken that round of antibiotics. I went to my yearly physical with my GYN and he discovered that, unbeknownst to me, I had a bacterial infection. So, another round of antibiotics. And if you've ever taken Flagyl, you know how bad they tear you up. Within about 5 days, I thought I was gonna die my stomach and chest hurt so bad. So, I went to the ER one night when I was having a particularly bad attack and they told me I was having a "panic attack". Now, I am not one to have panic attacks, but what do I know? I'm not a doctor. Not even a week later, I was back in the ER with another bad attack. The doctor I saw that night said I was suffering from gastric disturbances due to the antibiotics and that it was GERD (fancy words for real bad heartburn) and gave me some meds and said to follow up with my family doctor. Which I did, and he gave me some Nexium. Which did me absolutely no good. Another week passes and I am still having horrible stomach aches, chest pain, nausea, etc. Another bad attack sends me to the ER again. The nice doctor I saw that night actually bothered to do an exam and found that I was having gallbladder attacks. So, he gave me some appropriate medicine and discharged me with an appointment in the morning to have a gallbladder sonogram done. The next morning I have the sonogram done and they find that my gallbladder is full of "sludge" and "floaters" (which are stones forming) and it is inflamed and needs to come out. So, of course, it's back to my family doctor for a referral to a surgeon. Which I got that day and had the appointment with the surgeon the following day. I go to my appointment, give them my information and sit down to wait. I am finally called back to an exam room and the nurse says the doctor will be with you in a few minutes. Another nurse comes in a few minutes later and gives me some brochures regarding the surgery. Then the doctor finally comes in and sits down and says "So, you have gallstones" and I say "Well, not yet, but..." and he interrupts me and says "Yeah that can cause you some pain. Now, we can probably do it with the laproscope but we may have to do an open cholesystectomy. I'll have the nurse come in and get you set up" and he walked out. Now, I am sitting there going "What the hell? He never asked me my history, concerns, NOTHING!". So, in a few more minutes the nurse comes back in and says to call her in the morning and she will tell me when the surgery will be. I asked her how long she thought it would be and she said "Oh, with your insurance we have to call the hospital and THEY tell US when the surgery can be done. It will probably be about two weeks." And I said to her that was not going to work (and had anyone bothered to TALK with me they would have known this). So, I left very unhappy with the whole experience. I called my family doctor the next morning and explained to them what was going on: that I was miserable and could not function with the pain I was experiencing and I have 3 kids to take care of and I could not wait two more weeks and besides that I was not comfortable with the surgeon they referred me to. Now, keep in mind, I am having to deal with the snotty bitch PA this whole time. She starts trying to tell me a bunch of bullshit about that is how it is done and I would just have to accept that. I told her that where I come from it is not done that way, that the doctor finds out the situation and calls the hospital and tells THEM when the surgery would be. She said to me that maybe that was what I should do and I said to her oh I will. She then tells me "Well, when they won't help you don't come back to us and expect us to help you because we won't." I was quite speechless then. I think I said something along the lines of "Oh, believe me I won't" and hung up. I called my doctor/friend back home and he immediately set me up. The next morning the mail lady knocked on the door with a certified letter for me. Seems that I have been terminated as a patient for "inappropriate behavior to physician's office staff and inappropriate behavior to a referring physician's office". Now... I'm sorry... I've been misdiagnosed by these yayhoos for three weeks (well, actually longer counting the sinus thing, so that's twice in a row), I'm in such pain I can't function (never once having been offered the appropriate treatment) and I never ONCE cursed or raised my voice, merely tried to explain my concerns regarding the situation and I'M the one who has behaved inappropriately??? I don't even think so. They have not SEEN inappropriate. I am of the mind that this town is trying to kill me one way or the other and this... this is the straw. I mean... do I not have the right to a second opinion? Or to express my opinion period?? I guess it is all well and fine that they have been guilty of malpractice; but, I am supposed to just shut up and take it? No. I've done that for far too many years. I am not exactly sure what I can do about this situation legally, but you can rest assured that I will be filing complaints with the proper agencies AND writing a letter to the editor of the local paper among other things. Sometimes I think it is just me that has these problems, but I know that can't be true. It has to be happening to other people and I for one am not going to take it any more. Gawd, major flashback. "We're not gonna take it, we're not gonna take it, WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE" courtesy of the lovely Dee Snyder and Twisted Sister. Great anthem.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Zombie nation

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Monday, November 10, 2003

What many people don't know or don't remember is that Dolly's hit "I Will Always Love You" is not the kind of love song that it has been made out to be. Sure, it's a somewhat generic tune regarding love and moving on; but, she wrote it when she made the decision to end her long-time singing partnership with Porter Waggoner. To me it evokes the epitome of love and friendship, the generosity of giving your friend what they need (while it may not be what either one of you WANTS). Life works that way on occasion. While you may love someone (a friend, a lover, even a family member), sometimes it just isn't meant to be. And what good are hard feelings? It's difficult to not have them, but when you stop and think about it, isn't it better to wish someone the best? If you truly love that person, that is what you want for them. And sometimes it isn't you.

I Will Always Love You
Dolly Parton

If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you. Hmm.

Bittersweet memories
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.

(Instrumental solo)

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you.

You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

and it sucks so bad my ears bled

So, I was watching the CMA's (yes, Country Music Awards) the other night for some reason. Mainly, the reason being that they said Norah Jones was going to be on so I HAD to check it out. Come to find out there is a tribute CD to Dolly Parton and she's one of the artists. Holy shit, y'all. They blew me away. I love them both, in case no one has noticed. I had to go to Walmart tonight and I was killing time, cuz you know... I have nothing better to do on Saturday night than hang out in Walmart... and I went by the music dept. to check out the CD and ended up buying it. HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL. As I've said before I am a Dolly fan from WAY back, I grew up listening to her and all of the other "old-time country" folks. As I sat and listened to this CD for the first time tonight I've waxed nostalgic, I've cried, I've been uplifted and a whole host of other emotions. That's why I love Dolly's music. And to hear it translated by other notable female artists....well...holy shit y'all. I've only bought like 4 CD's in as many years and this one was well worth it. I don't buy a lot of CD's because I usually only like one or two tracks on the whole thing. The ones I was compelled to buy were Enya, Tracy Chapman, Norah Jones and this one obviously. While I was out there I noticed Sarah McLachlan has put out a new one, first one in like five years. Will be having to get that one soon. There are a couple of other full CD's I'd like to add to the collection, the new John Mayer for one (okay, for three because I need all of them) and a few others. Oh, and how could I forget Jonny Lang?!? If y'all haven't heard this kid yet, immediately DO SO! I had pirated most of it at one time and lost it in a computer crash so now I must go about it the legal way (damn the RIAA anyways). But this kid... gives the blues a whole new meaning. Ok, that is the news in music for today. I am going to go hit play again. (yes I have a remote but the batteries are dead, damn AA batteries to hell too)

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

In the midst of life we are in death

Having a fascination of all things Celtic and graveyards as I do, I was delighted to run across this site and these photos today as I was rambling around the 'net. Her entire site is beautifully put together and fed my voyeuristic tendencies more so than usual since I also got to travel to a place that I hope to visit myself some day.

Each one as if it were your last

Have you ever been going about your business - driving in your car, shopping, whathaveyou - when you see someone and you say "Hey, there's ol' whatshisface!"? I do that all the time. Usually, it's that person. Occasionally, it's just someone who looks a whole lot like them. I did that the other day, driving back from Walmart. I looked over in the truck beside me and my mind said "Hey, that's Chad". But, right on the heels of that was "No - no, it can't be, you dummy". Chad's been gone for three years. I still do that though. For a long time after he was gone, I saw his face everywhere. Every time I saw one of the trucks from the business he worked for, I hoped it would be him. It's funny how the mind tries to deny a loss in little ways like that. I'll never forget the last time I saw him. (Well, I guess that would be the next-to-last time.) He came by late one night. It was around midnight, I was in my pjs, ready for bed. I was tired and didn't invite him in. He was just coming by to tell me that he was going to be on the road again for a while, had a rodeo to be at in Del Rio and then on to San Antonio and who knows where else. I said the usual be carefuls and have fun. He said he'd see me when he got back. That weekend I was at work on the nightshift at the hospital. When I answered the phone and it was my cousin, I knew something was wrong when she said hello. She went on to tell me that Chad had been in an accident between Del Rio and San Antonio earlier in the night. I was instantly filled with dread. My heart sank further and further as she went on to say that the ambulance picked him up from that road in the middle of nowhere and they took him to the hospital but after working on him for hours they just couldn't get him back. When she said that, my heart stopped sinking and was just.... numb. I thought maybe she had it wrong. Small town grapevines aren't always accurate. In the back of my head, I knew it was true. I just didn't want to admit it. I'd lost many friends in the same way. Chad was special and his loss hit especially hard. He wasn't a big guy but he had a big personality. He was on his way to becoming a big star in the PRCA in bronc riding. The funeral was ... well, it was indescribable. Sure, I could tell you what it looked like, what they said and the music they played, and who was there. But, the feeling... I can't put that into words. It was huge. The emotion was so strong it was as if you could reach out and grab a handful of it out of the air. The thought that kept going through my mind was the scant few nights before. When he was standing on my front steps, in the glow of the porch light. I learned the lesson of treating every goodbye as if it were the last. Because... it very well could be. I had forgotten about that. I won't forget again.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Venez loin avec moi

Venez loin avec moi la nuit
Venez loin avec moi
Et je vous écrirai une chanson

Venez loin avec moi sur un autobus
Venez loin où ils ne peuvent pas nous tenter
Avec leurs mensonges

Je veux marcher avec vous
Un jour nuageux
Dans les domaines où l'herbe jaune se développe
Ainsi pas vous essai viendrai

Venez loin avec moi et nous embrassera
Sur un sommet de montagne
Viennent loin avec moi
Et je ne cesserai jamais de vous aimer

Et je veux me réveiller avec la pluie
Tombant sur un toit de bidon tandis
Que je suis sûr là dans des vos bras ainsi
Tout que je demande est pour que vous
Veniez loin avec moi la nuit
Vient loin avec moi

High Tea, Low Tea

I have long been fascinated with the idea of the English and their tea. It seems the whole day revolves around it. When a pal drops by, when the day is starting, when things go awry as they are prone to do, the instant response of the British is to put on the kettle. Coming from Texas where iced tea is de rigeur, I was horrified at the thought of drinking my tea hot. With milk no less. Lemon, yeah. But milk? No way. I come from a long line of coffee drinkers. As in pots and pots per day. I'm not that big on coffee but I can drink gallons of iced tea. If I do drink coffee it is thoroughly diluted with milk and sugar and flavoring. Cafe au lait is in my opinion the best way to drink coffee. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the whole hot tea and milk thing.
Several years ago I was in a bookstore/coffeeshop and it was cold out and I was hankering for something hot to sip on. While perusing the coffee offerings I noticed something called Chai tea. Hmmmm.. what might that be? They described it and I thought, as usual... eewww. But, for whatever perverse reason, I tried it. And was instantly hooked. I finally knew what it was all about. Coming from a very small town where such exotic things as Chai tea are unheard of I had to lay in stock when in the "big city". From there I ventured out to try other teas, yes with milk. And now I know why, when the mind is troubled (or even when it's not) the benefits of preparing a steaming hot cup of tea and settling down to enjoy it. Those Brits have been doing it for hundreds of years, seems they were on to something after all. If you haven't tried it, come on over... the kettle's on.

Still Frame - Trapt

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out (of here)

Believe me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

And every time I think I've finally made it
I learn I'm farther away than I have ever been before
I see the clock and it's ticking away, and the hourglass empty
What the fuck do I have to say

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out (of here)

Believe me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

Keep it inside the image portrayed
As if I couldn't stand losing as if I couldn't be saved, no way
A small confession I think I'm starting to lose it
I think I'm drifting away from the people I really need
A small reflection on when we were younger
We had it all figured 'cause we had everything covered
Now we're older it's getting harder to see
What this future will hold for us, what the fuck are we going to be

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out (of here)

Believe me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you


I'm just as lost as you, oh well, what am I going to do

I'm afraid I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away from where I want to be
I'm afraid I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out (of here)

Believe me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

I'm breaking down
I'm just as lost as you
I'm breaking down

Monday, October 27, 2003

So tired

I'm tired of having to be strong.
I'm tired of not having a shoulder to lean on.
I'm tired of not having anyone to share the load.
I'm tired of taking care of everyone else. I want to be taken care of for a change.
I'm tired of not having anyone to say "It's okay, honey. I'm here to help you. Let me be strong for a while. You rest. I'm here for you when you can't do it and you're there for me when I can't but if we do it together we can handle anything."
I'm tired of carrying the load by myself and there isn't anyone who supports me and my decisions and I don't want to have to fight for everything or go along with their poor decisions. I want someone who makes good ones. I want to be able to make a decision and be able to follow through on it without every damn thing going wrong.
I'm tired of every single thing having to be such an issue and a struggle. Just once I want something to come easy and go right. I want to say "this is what I want" or "this is what I need" and for the answer to be "okay, done". I don't want to have to fight tooth and nail for simple minor things to be done right. I realize life isn't perfect and that some things will go wrong but I'm tired of it being everything.
I'm tired of being so caught up in the struggle that the love and affection falls to the wayside. I want to be able to savor the little things and not be overwhelmed by too many big ones. I want everyone to be happy and for the most part carefree. The happiness and joy should be the majority, not the minority, buried under all of the strife.
I'm tired of thinking badly of myself when I can't be strong anymore.
I'm tired of having to think badly of others when they don't step up and do the right thing.
I'm tired of being taunted by what could be, not what is.
I'm tired of being tired.

Short takes

When the heart just won't cooperate
With what the mind says is right.
When you're torn apart by the internal fight
and you have nowhere left to turn
and you don't know where to go...
you just have to realize that you're the only one to know.
No one else can give you the answers that you are trying to seek
and no one can question the answers that you finally meet.


Another time, another place,
Another me finding my space.
In this life there are many roads
The problem is where do they go?
You choose a direction, but in the end
You find that you just really can't blend.


You think you finally have your way straight
When the road you're traveling on finds another break.
It's a never-ending journey with many stops along the way.
You think you're going in the right direction,
When all of a sudden there's a dead end, detour or a completely different way to go,
and you realize you're just not certain you're reading the map right.


I alone
have the power
to change the course of my life.

I alone
have the desire
to make my life a different one.

I alone
am scared to death
of what my life has become.

I alone
know the dark feelings
that course through the jumble of my mind.

I don't want to be alone.

Friday, October 24, 2003

Friday Five

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?
My hair is straight as a board and sort of medium thick and very fine and silky, not coarse. Right now it is short, short due to a hair disaster but hey.. it's grown out!

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?
The actual hair hasn't changed much over time other than to go from blonde when I was a child, then brown as I got older and now getting a lot of silver. The texture has always been straight and fine. As far as styles go? Gah... it's been everything and every color under the sun. Long, short, medium, straight, curly, punk, 80s big hair (in Texas no less where bigger is always better and the BIGGER the better), blonde, red, purple, black, you name it my hair has probably been it. Pictures from over the years are always a laugh.

3. How do your normally wear your hair?
On my head? There is no normal in my world. The only normal for my hair is clean.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?
It would be long... long, long and slightly wavy.

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?
Since I colored my hair a lot over a span of 20 years there have been a lot of color disasters. It's been green, orange, mud, etc. As far as cut disasters, those are no big deal. It can either be cut more or it can grow. The only time I was ever really upset about a hair cut to the point I cried I was about 20 and my hair had been long for many years and I let my aunt cut it short and wow.. was it short... less than an inch short. Of course, I've worn my hair like that a lot the last few years but back then it was very tragic.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

Paris In The Springtime

I wonder what it would be like -
Paris in the Springtime.
To go upon a brisk, long hike
In Paris in the Springtime.

The flowers there would be in bloom,
A million different colors.
The scented air would fill my room,
Plus a very many others.

The couples would walk along arm in arm,
Because this is young love time.
The Eiffel Tower bears a special charm,
In Paris in the Springtime.

Sparkling music would fill the air,
Coming from a sidewalk cafe.
The happy people would linger there
To while away the day.

It must be a magnificent sight -
Paris in the Springtime.
Even to see the smallest bird in flight
In Paris in the Springtime.

Anne Wiley Carr, circa 1962

Friday, October 17, 2003


Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Friday Five Twofer

1. Name five things in your refrigerator.
Milk, soy milk, cranberry juice, 6 varieties of cheese and apple butter

2. Name five things in your freezer.
Ice, Brussels sprouts, Boston butt pork roast, pie crust, Blue Bunny sugar free Popsicles

3. Name five things under your kitchen sink.
Dishwasher detergent, Windex, trash bags, apple scented Lysol, Pledge

4. Name five things around your computer.
2003 Calendar featuring the 7 Up truck drivers, Pier One candle in glass holder, cup of Pepsi Vanilla, basket of cd's and junk, roll of Charmin (I forgot to get more Kleenex)

5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet.
Almost empty bottle of Wish by Chopard perfume, lip mask and conditioner, 3 different anti-perspirant/deodorants, pearls that need re-stringing, Pond's deep cleanser and make-up remover with cucumber

1. What vehicle do you drive?
'94 Buick Skylark

2. How long have you had it?
Since December of '02 (right after the asshat who ran the stop sign in front of Walmart totaled my Accord)

3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?
Uhh.. the a/c?

4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?
THE most annoying?? There are several. Only 3 of the windows roll down. The power console on the driver's door is held on by duct tape, as is one of the a/c vents. The power locks malfunction so I disabled them. The dashboard almost falls off every time I hit a bump because I need new shocks. The windshield is scratched up and you can't see out of it. Well... you get the point. I didn't buy the car because I wanted it, it was just the only thing available at the time and I had to have something THEN.

5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?
Cadillac Escalade ESV Platinum Edition in White Diamond

Ok, so don't just be nosy... I shared with y'all. Now y'all put YOUR answers in the spankin new comment section below!

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared beneath the stars above

While I Live Out My Dream

"My office is the cab of a Ford pickup. I have no employees, punch no time clock and have no set work hours. The tools of my trade are carried in a bag in the back of my truck and my paycheck depends on my body, the luck of the draw and the will of God. I am a bookkeeper, a mechanic, a navigator and sometimes a consultant to my many friends. I am a rodeo cowboy and I wouldn't have it any other way."

As I stand at another rodeo with this hat held over my heart,
Cold chills run through my body when our National Anthem starts.
I see "Old Glory" waving proudly out there on the arena sand,
Held with honor by one of my buddies on a bay pony he understands.

The tears that stream the faces of fellow riders at my side,
Send a message of admiration and our unselfish cowboy pride.
For like me, they love this Country and stand for all She really means,
And I thank God I'm down here with 'em - while I live out my dream.

The Grand Entry now dismisses, then behind the bucking chutes,
I search there in my riggin' bag for the spurs that fit my boots.
And as I fumble through the memories and the gathered-up supplies,
I find a worn old belt buckle that I once wore for second prize.

Winning second wasn't special, but this old buckle is my joy,
For it was made by a man named Ruddy - I wore it proudly for his boy.
A mile or two it's traveled, now it's shine no longer gleams,
But I carry the old buckle for Daddy - while I ride to live my dream.

Years of memories overtake me, and as I hold it in my hand,
I think of all the Ruddy buckles that I've seen across this land.
Its gold inlay's a message of a craftsman's work of art,
Though it rides now with my riggin' - I still wear it on my heart.

In the rubies on each corner I see Mother's sparking eyes,
And the reflections of her loving hand each time she waved good-bye.
The buckles tarnished silver tells the color of Grandma's hair,
I hugged her neck before I left - I'm so proud that she was there.

I now feel a sense of lonely, while I wait my turn to ride,
But I know my family's with me in this old buckle by my side.
Lord, please watch over all my family and those sisters that I love,
Monday is Kayla's birthday - send her something special from above.

My pony's in the bucking chute - soon I'll ride for another eight,
But God, finding this old buckle made the time so worth the wait.
Lord, should this be my final ride and I depart your Earthly scene,
Ride me spurring into Heaven - while I live out my dream.

Written with love for the family of Chad Ruddy, 1975-1999
Lee Wiley Burch
October 25, 1999

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

The Visit

Hello, my friend.
How are you today?
I was thinking of you and thought I'd come by and talk.
It's a lovely day.
You'd like it.
The sun is shining and everything is bright and pretty.
I remember these were your favorite days.
I brought you some flowers.
I hope you like them.
I really miss you, you know?
I'm sorry you had to leave so soon.
I have to go now.
But I'll come back again.
Good-bye for now.


I look in your eyes
And see all the joy and pain
Of the years we shared.
I also catch a glimmer of tears
For what you're feeling now.

I want to reach out
And catch your hand in mine
To tell you I still care.
But, I seem to have no control.
I'm afraid that if I do
You'll see all the feelings
That are still there.

Yes, I still love you.
But, I feel in my heart
That if I don't leave you
And go on with my life,
All that I have planned
Will fall apart.

So, as we are standing
By the gate to my plane,
I finally find the courage
To reach out,
Although I sway,
And lay my hand against your cheek
As a final good-bye,
Pick up my bags,
And walk away.

The prosecution presents Exhibit A

I'll admit. I'm a mom on the edge. My sanity is goin' south. Tonight I tried to beat my son to death with the only weapon handy. What I was holding when I snapped? A large bag of miniature marshmallows.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

Oh, and....

How bout them Cowboys? Woohoo! 4 and 1, baby. The boys are back. The better keep it that way! I'm glad that our team has been turned around and is doing it the way it should be done. I've been a fan since I was a little kid and in the last few years I have been so ashamed of the way they've been conducting themselves. The coaches and the players. I still supported them, but I wanted to kick them in the shin, too. I'm proud of the way they have came back and are upholding the fine Texas tradition that is Cowboy's football.

Say it, don't spray it

I am still suffering from the Plague. I've had many things to say this weekend, just haven't had the clarity of mind to get them down without sounding like any more of a lunatic than I already do. I have many words for what I think about our so-called medical professionals today. I could (and have) rant for days about that. I'll save that for later. I am so upset by this man's whole ordeal (read the post and work your way forward for the whole story) that I could just spit. No, I couldn't just spit. I DO spit! I spit on all the people who are the cause of things like that. Not only what he went through in the first place, but the reaction of people to his experience. Whether or not he is telling the truth, things exactly like that do happen and they happen because the people in this world today are for the most part stupid, selfish, hating, judgmental, trouble-making.... OK I am apparently not going to be able to keep from sinkin to their level right now so I'll save my full thoughts on this for another day. I'm not up to the whole First, Second and Fifth Amendment debate right now. Therefore, my attention must go back to where it should be... the football.

Friday, October 10, 2003

Home Sweet Home

I live in a town of about 100,000. It's a smallish town in North Central Texas. A college town. An Air Force base town. You would think that it would have a variety of eating establishments and entertainment. If you did, you would be wrong. Comparing this town to others of its size, be it state-wide or nation-wide, it is sadly lacking. It's not a horrible place to live. I'm just sayin it could be better. It is better than my hometown, a town of about 10,000. But, it's not as good as other places. The housing here is iffy as well. I was not happy with the last apartment I lived in. Circa 1970s, hasn't been remodeled since, 6 kids in the apt. upstairs, meth-doin' neighbors, termites in the bathroom. You'd think it was in a really bad neighborhood or something. No, it was one of the better neighborhoods here. The outside was nicely taken care of. But, not so the inside. I heard about some brand spankin' new apartments being built so I immediately went and got on the list. I moved into this apartment complex last year, Halloween to be exact. I was hoping that since it was new they would be more choosy about who they let in. How they maintained the property. You know.... doing things the way they are supposed to be done? Wrong. This place is a year old and it is already ghetto. Oh, it's got the big fancy security gate. That never works. It's got the big, fancy office which reportedly has an exercise room and an internet room and a "gathering" room (to hold showers and such). I've yet to see them. The buildings are nice. Brick, good design. But the lawn is atrocious. Full of weeds, fire ants and scraps of trash. The patios and front porches of some of these places are a fire hazard. Now, there have been about 15 or so places clear out, be it their choosing or eviction. But, there are at least that many more that need to be. I cannot imagine why someone would want to move into a nice place and live like trash. I cannot imagine why the management puts up with it. (other than some of them are family, how great is that?) But, enough of the maintenance. First, let me tell you this. When they got the security gates funtioning, they sent around a notice that if you wanted a remote you had to pay $XX.XX and $X.XX a month. They also put up these "carports" (and I use the term loosely) in various parking areas along the fronts of the buildings. It is expected that if you want one of these parking spaces under the carport that you pay $XX.XX a month for that privilege. Well, I have parked in the same place since the day I have moved in, due to the arrangement of parking and the number of people that live in my building. It always worked out fine, we always had our own parking place, and it was sort of an unspoken agreement that we don't take each others place. After all, we were all close to our doors. Well, when they put up the said "carports", they took 4 of the 6 spaces in front of my building. One of them was "my" space. So, I ask you... should I have to pay to park in that space? Or should I have to park in another space and fight it out with the neighbors over the available spaces? Usually forcing either myself or them to park buildings away? I didn't think so. On reason being I am technically supposed to have a handicapped parking space, as are my immediate next door neighbors. That would take up the two parking spaces closest to the doors. Which are the ones we were parking in before the great "carport" fiasco. So, I go to the office and register my complaint. They can either shut up and let me have my parking space back, covered or no, or they can put in 2 handicapped spaces there. Well, we can't do that, how about you pay us $XX.XX instead of the $XX.XX we want. My response? What part of I am not paying to park in front of my own apartment do you not understand?!? Needless to say, they saw things my way. (Mentioning N. TX. Rental Association and lawyers help) There are many other issues I have with the management of this place, such as some of the hand-lettered posts on the bulletin board and some of the letters that they send about. If I were more ambitious and if I thought the people who lived here could be cohesive enough to back me I would start a tenants association. But, to tell you the truth.... I'm tired of the whole mess so I'll just deal with what immediately affects me and wait for my out.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene I'm beggin' of you please don't take my man

It flitted through my mind for some reason the other day how much I have always liked Dolly Parton, yet don't listen to her unless she happens to be on the TV or the radio. Of course, since I don't listen to country radio that doesn't happen. She was on Jay Leno tonight and it reminded me that I really should start listening to her more. Anyone who knows me knows that while I am NOT a fan of country music, my tastes are very diverse. I won't exclude (thanks, D) anyone simply due to the genre of music they are in. There is country that I like. I love bluegrass, the blues, gospel and good old rock and roll. I could go on listing but you get the idea. Everything from Rachmaninoff to Rammstein. However, there are many musicians who slip through the cracks of my mind. Last week, there was a tune niggling at the back of my head. It teased me and teased me for days on end. Finally, one night I wracked my brain and finally managed to get hold of it. It's a great 80s hit that has a timeless appeal. Go here to check out the tune (click on Sound Library/Video clips) or here for the lyrics to Billy Vera and the Beaters "At This Moment".
I want my mommy.

I had to go to the doctor today to find out why my hormones and stuff are all out of whack, and of course they had to stick a large, sharp object in my arm and gouge it about. I've been having some allergy symptoms for the last few days. As usual this time of year. I love the change of seasons, but I get sick every time. And today when I came home from the doc, I could feel it comin on. The burning lungs. Flushed skin. The large object lodged in your throat, quite possibly a tumor. The coated tongue. Next thing you know you have a full-blown case of the Plague.
As far back as I can remember, when somebody got sick either my Mamaw or my Momma would cook up a big ol' pot of Pink Soup. To this day, when I am sick that's what I want. And when Momma's close enough, that's what I get. It's a sure-fire cure all. Sure, I could go in there and cook some myself; but, that isn't the same thing. I guess I'll go get me a hunk of cheese to go with this whine.
Yeah... YOU

Where are you?
I know you're out there.
I just haven't found you yet.
Why are you hiding?
I've been looking.
I just don't know
which one is you.
Have I overlooked you?
There's been many who
I thought were you.
But, after they had gone
I knew.
I'm tired of looking now.
Where are you?

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

The Hundred

A list of 100 things regarding oneself seems to be the blogger thing to do. So, I figure I better get me one of em started. Good thing I am a purty good fabricator. Funny coinkydink, today when I visited Jett Superior her post was about just that... how hard it is to come up with all that stuff about oneself. Go check it out. This is going to be an ongoing post.. I'll work on it when I have time or come up with some lies... err facts to post about meself.

A Hunnerd Thangs

1. I was born Wednesday, July 14, 1971.

2. Why, yes... I am from Texas! How did you guess??

3. I've lived here all my life; but, I have always wanted to move to Louisiana, Mississippi, or points farther South (ok, technically east).

4. I am not a morning person. (or afternoon or evening, depending on when I am awakened)

5. I've been that way since I was a small child. I would stay up all night and then when my Momma would wake me up to go to school, I'd go into the bathroom and lock the door and fall asleep on the floor.

6. I have an above average IQ. But, when I was in the 5th grade I had the teacher from hell and decided I hated school and was never going to do any good at it. I somehow managed to succeed at that and yet graduated from high school and went on to take college courses. My opinion has changed drastically in the following years and I plan to finish my education.

7. When I was in the 4th grade, I spent a month in the hospital after I had an appendectomy and got a staph infection. They opened and closed the site four times before finally leaving it open to heal. I went home with a gaping wound and had to take baths in Tide. I have a four inch ugly scar to this day.

8. I got out of the hospital a couple of weeks before Halloween. That year I went trick or treating dressed as the Fat Farmer. In my Daddy's overalls stuffed with pillows. With boots that were too big. We went in my mom's best friends station wagon with a bunch of kids. I had to ride in the back and roll out at each stop and then roll back in later down the block. One stop I didn't roll in fast enough and was almost halfway in and they took off and I was left standing there. Fortunately, they came back for me. After a while.

9. Thanksgiving and Christmas are my favorite holidays now.

10. My favorite season is Fall. I love the smell of the air and the turning of the leaves and the cold weather coming on.

11. Fall means football season! I love football, have watched it with my Daddy since I was a little girl.

12. I also got a great love of cars from my Daddy.

13. I have a big nose, I got that from both sides of the family. But, it's mine, I'll keep it.

14. My feet are a size 10 and 1/2.

15. My eyes are gold around the pupil, blue-green in the middle and a dark blue-grey ring around the outside. They change color with my emotions. If they are bright green... watch yourself.

16. I am tone deaf and can't carry a tune in a bucket; but, I have a great love of music and am very attracted to musically inclined men.

17. My listening tastes range from classical to thrash metal, touching on everything in between.

18. I want a man who can sing to me (without me cringing).

19. I have a long list of what I am looking for in a man. Yes, written down.

20. I am a big list-maker.

21. I am good at losing them.

22. I love books. I'll read just about anything I can get my hands on.

23. I read Gone With the Wind for the first time when I was 13.

24. And Mandingo. And many, many other trashy novels.

25. I want a big ol' Southern house with a library. Painted red with dark wood. (the library not the house)

26. I have a real thang for a man with a Southern accent. (Yes, that is on the list.)

27. My love for all things Southern goes way back. I think it was all those bodice-ripping Civil War novels.

28. I'm a very good cook.

29. But, not of "haute cuisine". My specialty is "down home".

30. The smell of lilacs takes me back "home".

31. I spent my 21st birthday in Las Vegas.

32. I ate calamari for the first time in a fancy Italian restaurant there and had an anaphylactic reaction.

33. I am allergic to numerous things. Calamari (obviously), Penicillin, Sulfa, Macrodantin, and several other drugs.

34. When I was about 8 years old we were visiting my Granny Geneva. She had a large Magnolia tree in her front yard. I had never seen one and was fascinated by it. I plucked me a big, glossy, fragrant bloom and walked around sniffing it. After a while, I started to feel kind of funny and couldn't breathe so good so I went to tell my Momma and when I walked in the door both of them freaked out. My face and neck were grotesquely swollen and I was covered in red spots. Epinephrine is my friend.

35. I started smoking, drinking and getting high when I was about 13. Many years of this ensued until when I was 23 I started having allergic reactions to pot. Pot is not my friend.

36. I quit smoking, too.

37. I will still enjoy the occasional drink, but not to excess.

38. I was arrested once for Driving While Intoxicated. Funny thing is.... it was the ONE time that I wasn't. They let me go.

39. I once fell out of my car into the street when a police officer pulled me over for suspected DWI. He let me go, too.

40. I've been involved in hanky panky in the front seat of a police car. No, it was not to get out of a ticket.

41. Starbuck's Mocha Malt Frappuccinos contain crack.

42. I want to travel the world. France, Great Britain, parts of Europe, Africa, New Zealand are a few places I want to see.

43. When I was in high school, I took French so that when I found a man who made all the checks on my list and got married and he whisked me off on our honeymoon to Paris I would know what people were saying.

44. The man I did marry didn't make all the checks and he didn't whisk me off to Paris.

45. I am still looking.

46. I don't want the honeymoon in Paris anymore.

47. I want to elope and have a nice, quiet (well, ok, maybe not quiet) honeymoon in a cozy cabin either in the mountains or on the beach.

48. Paris can come later.

49. I do want a beautiful, classic.. even antique wedding ring.

50. I am not one for a lot of jewelry; but, I do want some special pieces.

51. I once received a vacuum cleaner and a breadmaker for Christmas. No, that is not what I asked for. A man who does that is not on the list.

52. A man who will vacuum and make bread is.

53. But, I am old-fashioned that way. I want to stay barefoot and in the kitchen.

54. Notice I didn't say pregnant.

55. I have 3 children.

56. I have also had a hysterectomy.

57. A man who is okay with that is on the list.

58. I would like to have more but that is up to the one in #57.

59. I've had six different surgeries.

60. I have two more pending.

61. One of them is a total bilateral hip replacement.

62. Sometimes I feel 72 instead of 32.

63. But, I am a kid at heart.

64. I love cartoons.

65. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

66. I read the LOTR waaaay back when.

67. The LOTR Trilogy is one of the few movies made from a book that I actually like.

68. Ok, love.

69. Legolas.

70. I like Harry Potter, too. Not the books. I want a Gryffindor scarf.

71. I'm a big fan of all things medieval-ish. Be it mythical or historical.

72. I have a small collection of dragons and wizards and would like to make it a big one.

73. I'm a collector of stuff.

74. I love antiques.

75. That big ol' house is going to be filled with them.

76. And the ringing sound of laughter.

77. And yellin', I'm sure.

78. I have a filthy mouth and an extensive vocabulary. No, they aren't all cuss words.

79. My voice is different than most people expect.

80. I have been told I should be a phone sex operator.

81. I have a warped, wicked sense of humor at times.

82. I love British comedy. TV and books.

83. I wish I had a big screen TV and a huge collection of 80s movies.

84. And a couch as big as a boat.

85. I wish I knew all the words to Red Wing and a voice to sing it properly.

86. My grandfather sang that to me when I was a child.

87. I was with him when he died.

88. The day we buried him it was 117 degrees.

89. "Amazing Grace" played on the bagpipes makes me cry.

90. My ancestry is English, Irish, Scottish, German, French and American Indian. I am 100% American.

91. My ancestors on both sides settled in the South before moving to Texas after the Civil War.

92. I'd like to see a dragonfly in amber someday.

93. I am drawn to very old cemeteries.

94. I want to have sex in them.

95. I enjoy sex outdoors. Indoors. I just enjoy sex.

96. I'm not adverse to PDAs.

97. I have taken a vow of celibacy until I find the one with all of the elements.

98. Gawd, I hope that's soon.

99. It will be so worth it.

A hunnerd. That is what it's all about.
In My Dreams

You were here in my dreams last night. But now, as the light of a new day awakens me I am slowly brought back to reality.
You're gone.
You're not here.
You're miles away from me.
I only have to close my eyes to see you, feel your breath upon my face and feel the touch of your hands upon my body. I don't understand this desperate loneliness when I think about not being able to touch you. My eyes open and where I felt warm and safe, I now feel cold and alone with the harsh realization that you are not really here with me. The months stretch out before me, long and desolate and I feel an ache because of the amount of time there has to be before I can hold and be held by you. I long for the days of laughter and conversation and the sweet ecstasy of the nights. Even though our time together has been short and tinged with the knowledge of the fact that there is much more than distance between us, I feel as if you have been in my life forever. Making you happy pleases me, and you bring out a feeling in me that I have never experienced. I enjoy your presence even if you are only nearby. But, for now, I will bide my time, and not think about the time that will pass before I can hold you.
Until then, I'll see you in my dreams.
On With the Wind

I figured I've been reading these things long enough that it was about time that I got one of my own. I have a lot in common with the great Scarlett, I am a master procrastinator. "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow" and all that. But, in my daily reads I am always coming across something that brings to mind a past occurrence or an opinion or some such drivel. It is high time I started doing something with them. So, without further adieu, here goes....