Wednesday, March 03, 2004
I feel like I should post something, but the only words that want to come out are not good ones. I haven't been in the mood to talk lately. Haven't been in the mood to do anything really. I am feeling trapped and mentally overburdened and all I want to do is either crawl into a hole or rant and rave and kick things. It's not really that I don't want to talk, I just don't want to try to have inane conversations. Someone asks me what's up or how I am doing and I don't want to say I'm fine and that nothing is up. I want to say that I am slowly losing my mind and that everything is fucked up and that I hate my life. But, who wants to hear that. What does one say in reply to that? I don't want your fucking platitudes. I don't want "I feel ya" or "I understand" or "I know how you feel". Because you know what? You don't. (don't take the you personally, I am speaking generally here but really, you don't) You have no idea the fucked up extent of my existence. You have no idea of the feelings that go on inside of me. You have no idea what it is like to live my fucked up life. Sure, you have stress too. Sure, you get in bad moods too. Sure, you have shitty things happen to you. But you don't know how I feel and if you don't know what it is like to be me. That may sound selfish, but there it is. I don't let the real stuff out, mostly because people I don't want people to know. I don't want pity, I don't want people thinking "man, she really is messed up". It's true though. I am. But, I have learned that people don't want to hear it. And if you do tell them... well, they never look at you the same again. But, neither can I keep it all inside anymore. It eats at me. But, no one wants to hear it. I've been through this cycle before. I know it will change, and things will be better. It's hard to see the end of it though when you are so wrapped up in loneliness and despair and anger and sadness that you just don't want to go on anymore. Most days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. It's not that I want to die. It's just that I don't want to live this life anymore and I don't see a way out of it right now. I've tried, and I've tried and well... I'm tired of trying. That too will change, but until it does this is how I feel. I've said it a million times, I need a break. But, I don't seem to be going to get one. I know I need to change my attitude, but that is easier said than done. There are so many levels on which I am unhappy. And discouraged. I don't see them changing. I don't see Mr. Right walking into my life. I don't see the perfect job opening up. I don't see winning the lottery. I know these things are possible. But the way things have gone for me my entire life... I don't see them happening. Yet, I am so damned lonely and miserable and hopeful and I want someone to hold me and say everything is going to be okay. And mean it because they know the whole story and they care. And well... I don't know why I bother. I should be used to it by now. I rent movies and I don't even watch them because I want someone to watch them with. I wish for friends, but I haven't the slightest idea of how to go about finding them. That and over the years I've learned that people suck and it's just not worth trying to be friends with them because you always end up alone in the end. I don't know. I hate feeling this way. I hate wanting what I can't have. And most of all I hate not knowing why the fuck I can't have it. Am I so repulsive that people don't want to be with me? What am I doing wrong? I have yet to figure out why I can't keep a friend or a lover. I know that most of the time it's because I ditch them because they are assholes. And yes, I am an asshole sometimes too, but we all have our boundaries. I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't do bad things. That's why I quit people. Why do people quit me? Maybe I expect too much. All I know is I just want a chance. That's all. A chance.