Monday, October 27, 2003

So tired

I'm tired of having to be strong.
I'm tired of not having a shoulder to lean on.
I'm tired of not having anyone to share the load.
I'm tired of taking care of everyone else. I want to be taken care of for a change.
I'm tired of not having anyone to say "It's okay, honey. I'm here to help you. Let me be strong for a while. You rest. I'm here for you when you can't do it and you're there for me when I can't but if we do it together we can handle anything."
I'm tired of carrying the load by myself and there isn't anyone who supports me and my decisions and I don't want to have to fight for everything or go along with their poor decisions. I want someone who makes good ones. I want to be able to make a decision and be able to follow through on it without every damn thing going wrong.
I'm tired of every single thing having to be such an issue and a struggle. Just once I want something to come easy and go right. I want to say "this is what I want" or "this is what I need" and for the answer to be "okay, done". I don't want to have to fight tooth and nail for simple minor things to be done right. I realize life isn't perfect and that some things will go wrong but I'm tired of it being everything.
I'm tired of being so caught up in the struggle that the love and affection falls to the wayside. I want to be able to savor the little things and not be overwhelmed by too many big ones. I want everyone to be happy and for the most part carefree. The happiness and joy should be the majority, not the minority, buried under all of the strife.
I'm tired of thinking badly of myself when I can't be strong anymore.
I'm tired of having to think badly of others when they don't step up and do the right thing.
I'm tired of being taunted by what could be, not what is.
I'm tired of being tired.

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