Return of the Killer Hayfever

I just thought I was going to get away without being sick this spring. That's what I get for thinking. I had a big allergy flare-up over a week ago and it is still hanging strong. Headache, chest hurts, coughing, sneezing, eyes burn, I've blown my nose so much it and my top lip are raw. Oohhh, and let's not forget the fever blister. GRRRRR
Anyways, needless to say I haven't accomplished much. Well, other than running over a guy in the Dollar Store parking lot. Ok, not a guy, but a guy in his car. Dumb fucker shouldn't have pulled in behind me. Now I am having to fight with my insurance company and his insurance company. He walked into my insurance agency the day after it happened with an estimate for $800 and said "you can just cut me a check now". They were like.. uhhh, it doesn't exactly work that way, sir. The damn car isn't worth that much and there is no way that a dent the size of my pinky finger is going to cost that much to fix. Not to mention, it was just as much his fault as mine so I shouldn't have to pay. Yeah, let's not talk about that anymore. Hey, in the good news department, I finally got approved for my disability insurance. I can't believe it only took 6 months. I thought I was going to have to get a lawyer and fight them for years on it. Either I'm worse off than I thought healthwise, or I actually got lucky for once. So... yay! Monthly paycheck! and back pay! I cannot wait to get some furniture up in here. I really need to finish painting so it doesn't look all half-assed when I do get some new stuff. Anyone want to help? *pweaaassee with big puppy dog eyes* Yeah, that's what I thought, you assholes.
Speaking of assholes, I have been thinking about Brad (Willa's biological father) a whole lot here lately. Every guy I see looks like him, all that stuff. I don't know why either. I mean, it's not like there is any love involved like with John, who I think about from the time I get up to the time I go to bed about a million times. (obsessive much?) I guess I should get hold of him (Brad, that is) and see if everything is okay. Can't say why I would really care, but I'm just that kind of person. I won't be getting hold of John, as he obviously doesn't want anything to do with me. His loss. Right..soo.. I hear that key lime pie calling my name. Bye!

Edited to add: Yeah, I won't be checking in on Brad. I checked his profile. Fucking radar. I should have known.

Domestic Goddess

Today I painted my kitchen the most luscious shade of aqua. Very retro. Yay for oops! paint from Home Depot!! 5 dollar makeover! I didn't do the 4th wall that ties into the hall as I ran out of paint, but that's cool because I was inspired to paint it a different color and take it down the hall so it all comes together nicely. I am hoping to find a great lime/apple green on the oops rack. If not, hopefully they will have something that will contrast with the aqua. I am going to do all of the trim in orange. BRIGHT orange! The color that was in there was this putrid butterscotch pudding and it sucked up every bit of light and was sooo depressing. It is SO much brighter in there now! Then I'm going to do the bathroom. Currently it is a very sickly shade of greenish-yellowish-somethingish. Doesn't make for good light. I look in the mirror in the bathroom and think "Oh, what is wrong with my skin" and then remember it's the reflection from the paint. I just bought new towels and such in this fabulous shade of lavender so I am hoping to find a shade that goes with that. One of these days I'll get around to the living room. I'm thinking pink, but I'll have to see what kind of furniture I find when I get my "inheritance" money. I will be so glad to finally have a REAL couch! I've had that stupid futon for 4 or so years and when it broke I just had to leave the mattress on the floor. How college. I have been drooling over some red sofas and loveseats, but think I'd get tired of them after a few years, so I'll probably go with something more neutral. Much easier and cheaper to change throw pillows and paint than it is to change the furniture. I don't know that I'll be doing any painting in the bedrooms. I'm really not planning on staying here that long, but I will be here at least 9 more months so I figured as cheap as the paint is I shouldn't have to be depressed by the walls here for the time I am here. I will definitely be buying new beds though. NEW! BEDS!!!! I've never in my life had one of those. It's always been hand-me-down mattresses and frames. Actually, I've never had any new furniture except for the futon from hell and my new dining table (that was a whopping $150). I am also going to be replacing that with a slightly bigger one as this one just seats four and I need one that seats six. I'm thinking that 11 thou is going to go pretty fast. I'm getting my teeth fixed, new glasses and some other stuff as well. May as well get it while the getting is good. I won't be having any more money for a while. I am thankful that I will have this though. Well, I am off to read my verra Scottish novel. Until next time!

guh. *thud*

 

Dear John Poetry II

I close my eyes
your image is burned inside
the feel of your hands
imprinted on my body
your voice
memorized by my ears

I whisper “I love you”
to fly out the window
be picked up on the breeze
and be carried
over the treetops and roofs
and find your ear

Take heed
remember
my heart
still belongs to you
then, now, always
don’t let it waste away

(the first is here)

mmm... supper 

Raising Cain

Raising kids up to be decent people is hard work. Especially when you're doing it on your own. Even harder is a single mom raising a boy up in a house full of females. Oh, sure, he has his "Dad" (and I use the term loosely) on the occasional weekend. I think it's important for kids, but most especially boys, to have a good male role model. I'm not a man, I can't teach him how to be a man. A GOOD man, at that. I can give him the basics, but it's just not the same. I also don't have a good male role model for them. Not one who is around on a regular basis anyway. My Dad and my brothers are all too far away to be of any help. It's sort of down to me against everybody else right now. Me against them, me against the less than stellar school system. Trying to be everything to everybody can wear you down. Things with the boy aren't going so hot right now. He's 10. Age is a huge factor in this. But, so is the kind of people he is subjected to at school. And not having anyone but me to teach him how to act. I've raised them well. They know right from wrong, they have great manners, they're smart. I've done everything I know to do. It just isn't enough anymore. The boy is getting smart with me. He's getting in trouble at school, something he's never done before. His attitude is getting out of hand and everything I've been doing to get it back in hand isn't enough. So... what to do? Put him in counseling? Therapy? I don't know anymore. It's sad that something that could be so easily remedied with the right tools becomes such a battle without them. I'm relatively sure that it will all work out in the end; but, as I am responsible for their present and future in a way, I don't want to screw it up. Anybody has any suggestion, I'm all ears.

Excerpt from a Dear John Letter 3

You know that thing you do, when we're doing that thing we do? The one where I'm looking up at you, you're looking down at me and then you kiss my foot? Yeah. Every time you do that, I fall a little more in love with you. (And get a whole lot more turned on.)

mind spew

I was thinkin about something today that I often dredge up and ... wallow on? I don't know how to explain it. Feeling sorry for myself I guess. I'm 33 years old and I've never been on a proper date. You know the kind. Boy asks girl out to dinner and a movie. Girl accepts. Boy picks girl up from house. They go to a nice restaurant and the theater. If things go well, they have coffee after. If things go really well they agree to do it again. Boy takes girl home. I've really never been on that many dates period. I've been to the movie theater with a guy twice. Gone out to eat with them maybe 10 or so times. It makes me really sad, and kind of mad, this. I haven't had that many real relationships with men. I guess I've been with the ones I have for all the wrong reasons. Not wanting to be alone. And I've been so pathetically grateful that they would have anything to do with me, I guess I've let them treat me badly. Of course, there have been a couple that I've treated badly. Get into a relationship with them and realize it wasn't at all what you thought it would be and not know how to finish it gracefully. It's funny how when someone wants to be with you, it's never who you think is the right someone. And the ones who you want to be with don't think you are the right one. Or something. The relationship I've had going on for the last year makes me really sad. Why do I not give it up? I don't know. It's like finally you find someone who has most of the qualities that you want, need, desire and you just keep on hoping that they will decide that you are that to them. He's the perfect man? No. Would he be perfect for me? I don't know. I'd like to at least find out. I'd like to know what it is like to have what I term a real relationship. Where they really want to be with you, spend time with you. They ask you out on dates, take you to their hangouts with them and introduce you to their friends, hang out and watch movies with you, go to the park or somewhere with you. Just spend time together and see where it goes. I really don't think I'm asking for too much. Just seems to me I'm always asking it from the wrong people. Or is it the right person and the wrong time? Hell, I don't know. I am just rambling here. Last night I went over to Dear John's. It was nice to just sit and talk, he played the guitar and sang some for me, we listened to some music, just hung out. It made me wish that we could do it a lot more often. I don't know how he feels about that. I sometimes I think I want to give him more than he wants. Or he wants that, just not from me. The kids are an issue. But, not much I can do about that. I don't blame someone for not wanting to take us on. In ways. But in ways I do. If someone really wanted to be with me, all of those things wouldn't be an issue. I want someone to want to be with ME. Because they like me, they enjoy being with me and all of the other stuff can work out. I'm tired of being alone. I want to be WITH someone. This is MY man. And he loves me. And he shows it. But, I only want that particular man and I don't know that he wants me anymore. So... what to do? Give it time? Guess that's all I can do. I don't have the answers.

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to

Warning: whining and really bad allegory ahead.


I’ve fallen in a hole. It’s not the first time. It won’t be the last. But I’m finding it harder and harder to pick myself up, brush myself off and climb my way out of the hole. Right now, I think I’ll just lay here for a while. Will I get buried under the inevitable stuff that will fall in the hole after me? Maybe. I’m just too tired of it all to care. It would be nice if once, just once, someone would lend a helping hand to get me back up again, rather than pushing me back down in. Hell, just sit in the damned hole beside me. Just be there.
Someone posted a poem that I loved. I said it could have been written for me were I the type to inspire poetry. He replied with she probably felt the same way. I guess sometimes we get so stuck in our own selves that we forget we aren’t the only ones to ever feel that way. I miss the old me sometimes. I’m sick of this bitter, cynical, tired, broken down, lonely, hopeless person I’ve become. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to be with me. But again, just once, I want someone to love me despite all my problems, hang-ups and baggage. Hell, despite all THEIR problems, hang-ups and baggage. Sometimes I think I ask too much or have unrealistic expectations. Or maybe I’m just expecting it from the wrong people. I don’t know. I just know that right now, I’m the wrong person.

MUST.HAVE.THIS. 

Weird Science

We're out of ketchup. I have to have ketchup and mustard to eat my corny dogs. I didn't realize this fact until after I had already cooked them. Alas, I made a happy discovery. Ranch dressing and mustard is really good.

Loose Ends

I thought this was kind of cool.

Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY IN SONG TITLES by that band

artist/band: The Boss

Are you male or female: Give The Girl A Kiss

Describe yourself: Secret Garden

How do some people feel about you: My Best Was Never Good Enough

How do you feel about yourself: Tougher Than The Rest

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Nothing Man

Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: Cautious Man, Dancing In The Dark, Hungry Heart

Describe where you want to be: Better Days

Describe what you want to be: Happy

Describe how you live: Leap of Faith

Describe how you love: My Love Will Not Let You Down

Share a few words of wisdom: Take 'Em As They Come

Valentine

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

-Carol Ann Duffy

Because Eric said so

Three Names You Go By: Cristina, Nina, Nina Faye

Three Screennames You Have: harleydrmz, wednesdayschild1971, torquejunkie4life

Three Things You Like About Yourself: I'm smart, funny and resourseful

Three Things You Dislike About Yourself: my physical limitations, my ass and my hair

Three Parts of Your Heritage: English, Scottish, German

Three Things That Scare You: dying alone, my house burning down, most drivers

Three of Your Everyday Essentials: air, water, food

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now: green t-shirt, gray sweats, white socks

Three of Your Favorite Bands/Artists (at the moment): Lucinda Williams, Jack White, Damien Rice

Three of Your Favorite Songs at Present: The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice, Portland Oregon - Loretta Lynn and Jack White, Many Waters - Julie Lee

Three New Things You Want to Try in the Next 12 Months: Johnny Carino's, not spend Valentine's Day alone, jasmine pearl tea

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (love is a given): monogamy, trust, passion

Three Physical Things About the Opposite Sex (or same) That Appeal to You: ginger hair, blue eyes, great hands

Three Things You Just Can’t Do: the splits, algebra, lick my elbow

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies: reading, watching movies, being crafty

Three Things You Want to do Really Badly Right Now: hug John, kiss John, talk to John

Three Careers You’re Considering: Master of the Universe, Keeper of the Key, Her Royal Majesty

Three Places You Want to Go on Vacation: Great Britain, New Zealand the Eastern coast

Three Kids’ Names: Girls: Boys: My kids are named, not having anymore, name your own

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die: live fast, love hard and leave a beautiful memory

Three People You Want to Take this Quiz: Whatever 3 people who happen to read my blog who want to do it

Shake it like a security blanket

I just saw one of the funniest things ever. Because he linked it so much better, go here to see what I'm talkin bout.

You never know what will be coming down

I have to admit, I love Brit pop. I've loved Duran Duran since the first time I ever heard them way back when. On the heels of hearing about their sad news, former bass guitarist Wes Wehmiller dying at the age of 33, I heard their newest U.S. single released What Happens Tomorrow. I freely admit to being hugely pessimistic, cynical and yes, bitter at times. But today as I was sitting in the parking lot waiting to pick my kids up from school thinking about the $600 worth of bills I have to pay and the $350 I have to pay it with, lamenting the probable loss of what could have been a great relationship and freaking out about life in general that song came on. Thank you, Duran Duran, for reminding me that it'll be alright again.

Say Anything

I saw this at Such a Pretty Face and like her, I liked the idea of getting recommendations. So please recommend to me:

1. A movie
2. A book
3. A musical artist, song or album

AND

Ask me three questions, anything you want to know. I, of course, reserve the right to ignore any questions I don't really want to answer.

AND

Copy and paste this into your blog, if you have one.

Today was fun. I got to sit through a 2 hour divorce and parenting class. And I get to sit through another one next week. Now, I've been divorced for almost 7 years now, I think we've got it figured out by now. But, the State of Texas feels differently and it's mandated that anyone who has any kind of divorce or child custody case that comes through the court system is required to attend them. The case that we have is just a name change. I agree that it's a good idea, but I think they should look at the individual cases and decide then which ones have to go to the classes. I guess it's just easier to make it mandatory for everyone. Oh well, it gets me out of the house for 2 hours! heh
I bought a new dining table and the guy was supposed to deliver it today, but he didn't. I was kind of torqued. It's getting old not having a dining table.
I've been wanting some Chicken Tortilla Soup for a while, but couldn't find a recipe that I haven't already tried that I wanted to try. All of the ones I've tried haven't been what I wanted. My Mom told me about my sister-in-law's version, so I called up and got the recipe from my brother. I didn't like the sound of what all she put in hers. I love the classic version with basically just chicken, broth, tomatoes and seasonings but with the kids I try to add a little more nutrition. My SIL's version had too much stuff in it, so I started with the basic version, added some of hers and added some touches of my own. I have to say it's pretty much perfection. Anything that can be done all in one pot and cover all the food group bases is good with me.

Nina’s Chicken Tortilla Soup

1 really big pot
4 or 5 chicken boobies
2 quarts water
Parsley (I use about 2 tsps. of dried)
1 large onion, diced small
2 or 3 tsps. seasoned salt (I use Tony Chachere’s Original Creole)
2 chicken bouillion cubes

Bring the water and seasonings to a boil, add the chicken, lower heat and simmer 45 minutes. Take the chicken out, let it cool and then shred it. (I use two forks. If you cook it right, it should basically fall apart by itself.) Put the chicken back in the pot.


Now you’re going to need:

2 cans Rotel tomatoes (I use the mild version, if you like it spicier knock yourself out)
1 can whole kernel corn, drained
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 can pinto beans, drained and rinsed
Cilantro (I use dried, about 1 or 2 tsps., depending on how much you like cilantro)
1 big tsp. cumin
1 lime
salt, pepper and garlic to taste

Dump all of that in the pot. Well, you might want to slice the lime in half and squeeze it in, works better that way. Simmer it all for a while to let the flavors receive.

Serve with tortilla chips (crush them up in the bowl) and shredded white cheese. I use Queso Quesadilla and Monterey Jack from Mexico. You can find those in the Mexican section of most grocery stores (well, in Texas you can), or you can just use whatever Jack you can find.

Perfect for this kind of weather! Make it! Enjoy it! (Come eat some of mine, there's plenty!)

Feelin' Petty

She was an American girl
Raised on promises
She couldn't help thinking that there was a little more to life
Somewhere else
After all it was a great big world
With lots of places to run to
And if she had to die tryin'
She had one little promise she was gonna keep

Oh yeah, all right
Take it easy baby
Make it last all night
She was an American girl

It was kind of cold that night
She stood alone on the balcony
She could hear the cars roll by
Out on four forty one like waves crashing on the beach
And for one desperate moment there
She crept back in her memory
God, it's so painful when something that's so close
Is still so far out of reach

Oh yeah, all right
Take it easy baby
Make it last all night
She was an American girl


American Girl - Tom Petty

Cabin Fever

I swear if I don't get out of this house for a while I am going to go stark raving mad. Oh wait, too late. I miss doing "adult" things. Going to pubs, going out to eat with friends, concerts. Hell, I miss just having someone to hang out with. Ah well.