Thursday, March 03, 2005

mind spew

I was thinkin about something today that I often dredge up and ... wallow on? I don't know how to explain it. Feeling sorry for myself I guess. I'm 33 years old and I've never been on a proper date. You know the kind. Boy asks girl out to dinner and a movie. Girl accepts. Boy picks girl up from house. They go to a nice restaurant and the theater. If things go well, they have coffee after. If things go really well they agree to do it again. Boy takes girl home. I've really never been on that many dates period. I've been to the movie theater with a guy twice. Gone out to eat with them maybe 10 or so times. It makes me really sad, and kind of mad, this. I haven't had that many real relationships with men. I guess I've been with the ones I have for all the wrong reasons. Not wanting to be alone. And I've been so pathetically grateful that they would have anything to do with me, I guess I've let them treat me badly. Of course, there have been a couple that I've treated badly. Get into a relationship with them and realize it wasn't at all what you thought it would be and not know how to finish it gracefully. It's funny how when someone wants to be with you, it's never who you think is the right someone. And the ones who you want to be with don't think you are the right one. Or something. The relationship I've had going on for the last year makes me really sad. Why do I not give it up? I don't know. It's like finally you find someone who has most of the qualities that you want, need, desire and you just keep on hoping that they will decide that you are that to them. He's the perfect man? No. Would he be perfect for me? I don't know. I'd like to at least find out. I'd like to know what it is like to have what I term a real relationship. Where they really want to be with you, spend time with you. They ask you out on dates, take you to their hangouts with them and introduce you to their friends, hang out and watch movies with you, go to the park or somewhere with you. Just spend time together and see where it goes. I really don't think I'm asking for too much. Just seems to me I'm always asking it from the wrong people. Or is it the right person and the wrong time? Hell, I don't know. I am just rambling here. Last night I went over to Dear John's. It was nice to just sit and talk, he played the guitar and sang some for me, we listened to some music, just hung out. It made me wish that we could do it a lot more often. I don't know how he feels about that. I sometimes I think I want to give him more than he wants. Or he wants that, just not from me. The kids are an issue. But, not much I can do about that. I don't blame someone for not wanting to take us on. In ways. But in ways I do. If someone really wanted to be with me, all of those things wouldn't be an issue. I want someone to want to be with ME. Because they like me, they enjoy being with me and all of the other stuff can work out. I'm tired of being alone. I want to be WITH someone. This is MY man. And he loves me. And he shows it. But, I only want that particular man and I don't know that he wants me anymore. So... what to do? Give it time? Guess that's all I can do. I don't have the answers.

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