It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Without the snow. And the giant tree. And the blinding lights. Ok, so it doesn't look a lot like Christmas around here. Yet. Have y'all seen those pine cones that are cinnamon scented? Mmmmm yum! Those are awesome. I found them at Michael's and WalMart both. However, they are a bit bunged up. I'm kind of obsessive that way. I don't like for things to be messed up in anyway, especially not something you have on display in your home. So, I didn't buy any. Instead, I thought to myself "Self, you can MAKE these for a whole lot less money and have them look a whole lot better." And the kids will have fun at the park pickin up pine cones. We always go feed them to the prairie dogs anyway. May as well throw a few in a sack and bring em home and cook em up. Then it will at least begin to smell a whole lot like Christmas.

And this little piggy went waa waa waa all the way home

Well, not exactly all the way, but there were times when I wanted to. I had my gallbladder taken out Tuesday, November 25th so things have been a wee bit sore-ish the last few days. But, I'm not sick anymore! I can handle sore knowing it is going to go away WAY better than I can being sick 24/7. The surgery went fairly well. I have way more pain than I anticipated due to having adhesions all the way up to my gallbladder from the appendectomy gone awry. And, when I came to in my room (having no memories of recovery room or traveling from point A to point B to point C) I was hurling, which is nothing new, I always do that after anesthesia. Except this time it was bright red blood. Imagine if you will a highly drugged person seeing this. Come to find out they tore something in my nose when they put the NG tube down it during the surgery and my nose had been bleeding the entire time down my throat. GAH-ROSS! And scary to see coming up! Thanksgiving dinner was good for everyone else! I wasn't able to eat more than a couple of bites that day. And that was only white meat turkey, green beans, some sweet potatoes and roll since I am on a low-to-no fat diet for a while. But, I'll gladly sacrifice this Thanksgiving because now I know that the rest of them will be enjoyable. This morning I started sneezing. That wasn't a lot of fun. I think I popped a few stitches loose before I got it under control. OUCH! I may have also invented a few new words. My belly button is some rather interesting hues of blue and black and green. There are 5 lovely new soon-to-be scars added to my collection. And the worst thing? I can't drive for at least 2 weeks! ARGH!!!! Fortunately my mother is here to cart me and the chilluns around. Especially since I can't pick anything up either. Certainly not 32 pounds of wriggling, writhing Willabeast. That child is a buncha handfuls. So, I'm thankful for the help. I will be glad to get my independence back though.

Sarah McLachlan

I lurve Sarah. I guess my first favorite song of hers was Ice Cream. I really love Angel, Hold On, Sweet Surrender, Do What You Have to Do, I Love You, and Possession. Don't get me wrong, I love all her songs, but these are the ones that I can really identify with. It's funny, over all the years, that these songs have never been associated with any person... other than that person out there who I hadn't met yet, you know... THE ONE? The one that speaks to me off of her new album, Afterglow, is Push. And I do associate it with someone; but, circumstances being what they usually are... well... I don't know what to say about that right now, so I won't.

Hi, I'm the camel. See this straw?

Funny my last post should be about inappropriately medicating patients. I have been sick for around a month and a half now. Let me start at the beginning to avoid any confusing backtracking or asides (well ok they won't be avoided since I am highly prone to doing them anyways, but at least the story will be chronological).
About a month and a half ago I was suffering from the usual fall/winter sinus problems, which as usual turned into a sinus infection. I get at least two a year, in the spring and in the fall. I went to the family doctor I have been using and was seen by his Physician's Assistant. I told her the problem and the history and what meds I was taking. She prescribed for me an expectorant. I told her that I was already taking an expectorant and that would not do me any good, I needed some Zithromax. She did not agree and dismissed me. I was back two days later: couldn't breathe, wheezing, head exploding... all of the usual sinus infection/bronchitis symptoms. She said to me "It's only been 48 hours, why are you back here?" She is a rather snotty bitch. I told her why and she ordered a chest x-ray and dismissed me. I said "Enough of this bullshit" and went to the clinic where I used to work and saw one of the doctors and she said, sure enough, you not only have a nasty sinus infection but bronchitis. She gave me the proper meds and I was well within a week. Now, I had already taken that round of antibiotics. I went to my yearly physical with my GYN and he discovered that, unbeknownst to me, I had a bacterial infection. So, another round of antibiotics. And if you've ever taken Flagyl, you know how bad they tear you up. Within about 5 days, I thought I was gonna die my stomach and chest hurt so bad. So, I went to the ER one night when I was having a particularly bad attack and they told me I was having a "panic attack". Now, I am not one to have panic attacks, but what do I know? I'm not a doctor. Not even a week later, I was back in the ER with another bad attack. The doctor I saw that night said I was suffering from gastric disturbances due to the antibiotics and that it was GERD (fancy words for real bad heartburn) and gave me some meds and said to follow up with my family doctor. Which I did, and he gave me some Nexium. Which did me absolutely no good. Another week passes and I am still having horrible stomach aches, chest pain, nausea, etc. Another bad attack sends me to the ER again. The nice doctor I saw that night actually bothered to do an exam and found that I was having gallbladder attacks. So, he gave me some appropriate medicine and discharged me with an appointment in the morning to have a gallbladder sonogram done. The next morning I have the sonogram done and they find that my gallbladder is full of "sludge" and "floaters" (which are stones forming) and it is inflamed and needs to come out. So, of course, it's back to my family doctor for a referral to a surgeon. Which I got that day and had the appointment with the surgeon the following day. I go to my appointment, give them my information and sit down to wait. I am finally called back to an exam room and the nurse says the doctor will be with you in a few minutes. Another nurse comes in a few minutes later and gives me some brochures regarding the surgery. Then the doctor finally comes in and sits down and says "So, you have gallstones" and I say "Well, not yet, but..." and he interrupts me and says "Yeah that can cause you some pain. Now, we can probably do it with the laproscope but we may have to do an open cholesystectomy. I'll have the nurse come in and get you set up" and he walked out. Now, I am sitting there going "What the hell? He never asked me my history, concerns, NOTHING!". So, in a few more minutes the nurse comes back in and says to call her in the morning and she will tell me when the surgery will be. I asked her how long she thought it would be and she said "Oh, with your insurance we have to call the hospital and THEY tell US when the surgery can be done. It will probably be about two weeks." And I said to her that was not going to work (and had anyone bothered to TALK with me they would have known this). So, I left very unhappy with the whole experience. I called my family doctor the next morning and explained to them what was going on: that I was miserable and could not function with the pain I was experiencing and I have 3 kids to take care of and I could not wait two more weeks and besides that I was not comfortable with the surgeon they referred me to. Now, keep in mind, I am having to deal with the snotty bitch PA this whole time. She starts trying to tell me a bunch of bullshit about that is how it is done and I would just have to accept that. I told her that where I come from it is not done that way, that the doctor finds out the situation and calls the hospital and tells THEM when the surgery would be. She said to me that maybe that was what I should do and I said to her oh I will. She then tells me "Well, when they won't help you don't come back to us and expect us to help you because we won't." I was quite speechless then. I think I said something along the lines of "Oh, believe me I won't" and hung up. I called my doctor/friend back home and he immediately set me up. The next morning the mail lady knocked on the door with a certified letter for me. Seems that I have been terminated as a patient for "inappropriate behavior to physician's office staff and inappropriate behavior to a referring physician's office". Now... I'm sorry... I've been misdiagnosed by these yayhoos for three weeks (well, actually longer counting the sinus thing, so that's twice in a row), I'm in such pain I can't function (never once having been offered the appropriate treatment) and I never ONCE cursed or raised my voice, merely tried to explain my concerns regarding the situation and I'M the one who has behaved inappropriately??? I don't even think so. They have not SEEN inappropriate. I am of the mind that this town is trying to kill me one way or the other and this... this is the straw. I mean... do I not have the right to a second opinion? Or to express my opinion period?? I guess it is all well and fine that they have been guilty of malpractice; but, I am supposed to just shut up and take it? No. I've done that for far too many years. I am not exactly sure what I can do about this situation legally, but you can rest assured that I will be filing complaints with the proper agencies AND writing a letter to the editor of the local paper among other things. Sometimes I think it is just me that has these problems, but I know that can't be true. It has to be happening to other people and I for one am not going to take it any more. Gawd, major flashback. "We're not gonna take it, we're not gonna take it, WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE" courtesy of the lovely Dee Snyder and Twisted Sister. Great anthem.

Zombie nation

Couldn't have said it better myself.

What many people don't know or don't remember is that Dolly's hit "I Will Always Love You" is not the kind of love song that it has been made out to be. Sure, it's a somewhat generic tune regarding love and moving on; but, she wrote it when she made the decision to end her long-time singing partnership with Porter Waggoner. To me it evokes the epitome of love and friendship, the generosity of giving your friend what they need (while it may not be what either one of you WANTS). Life works that way on occasion. While you may love someone (a friend, a lover, even a family member), sometimes it just isn't meant to be. And what good are hard feelings? It's difficult to not have them, but when you stop and think about it, isn't it better to wish someone the best? If you truly love that person, that is what you want for them. And sometimes it isn't you.

I Will Always Love You
Dolly Parton

If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you. Hmm.

Bittersweet memories
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.

(Instrumental solo)

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you.

You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.

and it sucks so bad my ears bled

So, I was watching the CMA's (yes, Country Music Awards) the other night for some reason. Mainly, the reason being that they said Norah Jones was going to be on so I HAD to check it out. Come to find out there is a tribute CD to Dolly Parton and she's one of the artists. Holy shit, y'all. They blew me away. I love them both, in case no one has noticed. I had to go to Walmart tonight and I was killing time, cuz you know... I have nothing better to do on Saturday night than hang out in Walmart... and I went by the music dept. to check out the CD and ended up buying it. HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL. As I've said before I am a Dolly fan from WAY back, I grew up listening to her and all of the other "old-time country" folks. As I sat and listened to this CD for the first time tonight I've waxed nostalgic, I've cried, I've been uplifted and a whole host of other emotions. That's why I love Dolly's music. And to hear it translated by other notable female artists....well...holy shit y'all. I've only bought like 4 CD's in as many years and this one was well worth it. I don't buy a lot of CD's because I usually only like one or two tracks on the whole thing. The ones I was compelled to buy were Enya, Tracy Chapman, Norah Jones and this one obviously. While I was out there I noticed Sarah McLachlan has put out a new one, first one in like five years. Will be having to get that one soon. There are a couple of other full CD's I'd like to add to the collection, the new John Mayer for one (okay, for three because I need all of them) and a few others. Oh, and how could I forget Jonny Lang?!? If y'all haven't heard this kid yet, immediately DO SO! I had pirated most of it at one time and lost it in a computer crash so now I must go about it the legal way (damn the RIAA anyways). But this kid... gives the blues a whole new meaning. Ok, that is the news in music for today. I am going to go hit play again. (yes I have a remote but the batteries are dead, damn AA batteries to hell too)

In the midst of life we are in death

Having a fascination of all things Celtic and graveyards as I do, I was delighted to run across this site and these photos today as I was rambling around the 'net. Her entire site is beautifully put together and fed my voyeuristic tendencies more so than usual since I also got to travel to a place that I hope to visit myself some day.

Each one as if it were your last

Have you ever been going about your business - driving in your car, shopping, whathaveyou - when you see someone and you say "Hey, there's ol' whatshisface!"? I do that all the time. Usually, it's that person. Occasionally, it's just someone who looks a whole lot like them. I did that the other day, driving back from Walmart. I looked over in the truck beside me and my mind said "Hey, that's Chad". But, right on the heels of that was "No - no, it can't be, you dummy". Chad's been gone for three years. I still do that though. For a long time after he was gone, I saw his face everywhere. Every time I saw one of the trucks from the business he worked for, I hoped it would be him. It's funny how the mind tries to deny a loss in little ways like that. I'll never forget the last time I saw him. (Well, I guess that would be the next-to-last time.) He came by late one night. It was around midnight, I was in my pjs, ready for bed. I was tired and didn't invite him in. He was just coming by to tell me that he was going to be on the road again for a while, had a rodeo to be at in Del Rio and then on to San Antonio and who knows where else. I said the usual be carefuls and have fun. He said he'd see me when he got back. That weekend I was at work on the nightshift at the hospital. When I answered the phone and it was my cousin, I knew something was wrong when she said hello. She went on to tell me that Chad had been in an accident between Del Rio and San Antonio earlier in the night. I was instantly filled with dread. My heart sank further and further as she went on to say that the ambulance picked him up from that road in the middle of nowhere and they took him to the hospital but after working on him for hours they just couldn't get him back. When she said that, my heart stopped sinking and was just.... numb. I thought maybe she had it wrong. Small town grapevines aren't always accurate. In the back of my head, I knew it was true. I just didn't want to admit it. I'd lost many friends in the same way. Chad was special and his loss hit especially hard. He wasn't a big guy but he had a big personality. He was on his way to becoming a big star in the PRCA in bronc riding. The funeral was ... well, it was indescribable. Sure, I could tell you what it looked like, what they said and the music they played, and who was there. But, the feeling... I can't put that into words. It was huge. The emotion was so strong it was as if you could reach out and grab a handful of it out of the air. The thought that kept going through my mind was the scant few nights before. When he was standing on my front steps, in the glow of the porch light. I learned the lesson of treating every goodbye as if it were the last. Because... it very well could be. I had forgotten about that. I won't forget again.