*insert snazzy title here*

When the weather turns hot, as it does soon and often here in Texas, I rarely drink hot beverages. My dad has always said that if you are hot you should drink something hot and it will cool you down, and if you are cold drink something cold and it will warm you up. I always thought he was full of it. I mean, he is always coming up with insane, backwoods stuff like that and never once has it been credited. However, and forgive me because I forget where I read this, come to find out there has been scientific research done that proves his theory true. Of course, I haven't told HIM that. What brought that tidbit of information on was that the weather has been unseasonably cool and rainy here and I am sitting and drinking a cup of hot chai tea. Mmm. I haven't had any in months and had forgotten how good it is.
I haven't been doing as much posting as I keep telling myself I should here lately. I keep my book blog updated somewhat more frequently, and yesterday I started a flab to fab blog. I also have a livejournal but admit that it is only so that I can post and comment on some of my fave sites there and I don't ever really post anything on it. WHAT in the cornbread hell am I doing with so many blogs if I am not going to actually dedicate any time to updating them? Although, it's not like any one really reads them. They are mostly for my own venting/progress tracking (or lack thereof)/inane rambling. Such as I am doing now.
So, what has been going on lately, you ask? Well, let's see. This summer I've been back home to visit briefly. I thought I was going to get away with not going back for a while, but my Mamaw was dying so I had to get back. I spent another week there that time. The oldest two kidlets have been at their dad's a lot this summer, leaving me and the Willabeast here with not a whole heck of a lot to do. Other than her destroying things, and me cleaning up the messes. My youngest brother came and got my mom after the funeral so she is out in Georgia with him. I talked to her last night and she's ready to come home and wants me to come and get her. Which I would be more than glad to do if Jan (my ex-mil) would hurry up and get the car that she is giving me fixed. Yes, my ex-mother-in-law is GIVING me a car. It's a late 90s model Ford Contour (which oddly enough was mine in the first place, she took over payments when we bought a Grand Cherokee) and is in MUCH better condition than the hunk of shit on wheels that I am currently driving. I'm sure y'all have heard me bitching about not having an a/c and windows that will roll down. NOT a good combination in the good ol' Texas summertime. So, anyways, as soon as she gets some minor little things on the Contour fixed it is mine. Funnily enough, the day she went to buy her new car, the driver side window went out on the one she is giving me. It's like the damn thing KNEW. But, she's a good egg and it getting it fixed. And then I guess I will be road tripping it to Georgia. It's about a 13 hour drive from here. But, I don't mind as it will give me some alone time. I haven't been kid free in about 3 years, other than when I have had the various surgeries in the last couple of years. Those don't count as vacations. My brother wants me to move to Georgia. This will be a good opportunity to check it out and see if it's anywhere I'd want to live. Although, it has to be better than here. But, that's not saying much.
I can't really think of anything else of any interest that has been going on around here this summer. Well, other than the ex and his wife are starting up again with "the kids can come live with us and go to school over here if you think that's ok" bullshit. Yeah, just so you don't have to pay child support anymore. But, let's not get started on that particular rant at this time. It would take more time than I have tea for.

I can't quit hitting replay. This is freakin HILARIOUS!!! 

huh. imagine that.

Which John Cusack Are You?

words to get lost in. i'm in love. 

Semper Fucking Fi 

Oh.My.Gawd. Don't forget to click "read the rest". bwhahahaha  

HALLELUJAH! She hath returnethed!
 

Classic! 

I love Jean-Paul Gaultier.
 

This is cool

Click here to go to site. 

Testing out BloggerBot 

bwwhahaha

Crafty Ninja

It lives

Here lately I've still been in the mood to just read other peoples' journals and stay away from mine. I haven't had many nice things to say lately. The kids have been making me insane. So, there has been a regime change here and they are grounded for the next 3 weeks. I know, sounds harsh, but they have been hellions including at school and so far nothing has got their attention. This will. They will be grounded for 3 weeks and for every infraction there are days added to their "sentence". They'll get the idea or they are in for a long and boring summer sitting in their rooms. But hey, it'll be quiet around here! I'm highly pissed off at my ex due to his not having sent my child support yet. Even after I called him and informed him that we are out of everything and it's been a month and a half. He just sends it whenever he wants to and expects that to be okay. I guess I should be thankful that he sends it, but still. He's not the one sitting here with 2 diapers, very little toilet paper, etc etc.
Eric is as usual the bomb-diggety! He got me Season One of Samurai Jack on DVD! How cool is that?? But then again he's always cool. *does the happy dance* And now I am off to bed. Bono's nachos, y'all.

In lieu of actual content...

It's quiz night!

"Which American City Are You?"

Seattle
Your dark exterior masks a caffeine driven activism. You'll take up a cause and you'll get ugly to advance it.

"Which prop from 'American Pie' are you?"

Warm Apple Pie
You are the warm apple pie! It may seem like a contradiction but you are true-blue Americana and the object of every freudian fantasy.

"What swear word are you?"
You Are Fuck!
Go fuck yourself.

"What color are you?"
blue
You are a friendly, trustworthy person. Friends know they can depend on you. Your inner favorite color is blue.

"Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? "

Ta mo bhriste tri thine
Ta mo bhriste tri thine - 'My trousers are on fire.'You're a few bricks short of a load, aren't you? You're probably not allowed to use sharp objects and you should be locked in a rubber room. With Rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats. They drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. With rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats...

spiffy!

Wow, so blogger has made some big changes! We have lots of new stuff to play with so I gave the site a makeover tonight. What do ya think? I like. So, y'all use those comments already! The older posts won't have commenting but from here on out there will be comments enabled so give me some feedback now and again. I am not here just to hear myself type. Well, okay, I am but .. just put your 2 cents worth in anyway!

interestin'

You Are a Plain Ole Cup of Joe But don't think plain - instead think, uncomplicated You're a low maintenance kind of girl... who can hang with the guys Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that's you: the friend everyone invites. And your dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear. What Kind Of Coffee Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Pay no attention to the blogger behind the curtain

Well, here we are again, and it's been a week since my last update. Blame Eric. (well, hey, so long as it isn't me! :p )
So, let's see. Nothing exciting to report. Haven't done anything other than the usual. We've watched some good movies. Ate some good food. Had some good.... uhm.. fun. Eric and I went to the end of year BBQ thingy for the Computer Science Math Geek depts the other night and it was pretty fun. He's like a scholar and stuff! I lurve geeks.
I broke my toe. That was fun.
The weight loss thing isn't going so quick. I think I'm at 165 now which is where I THOUGHT I was before. So, I'm basically back where I should have started. NOW it's 20 pounds. Or else I am not going to be seen in swimwear. Hayull no. I really need to get back to the Pilates thing every day. Too bad I'm a lazy wench. And a hungry one. Sex makes me hungry. Shouldn't the two cancel each other out? It's exercise. Right? Hmph.
I changed my links over there to the right, for those of you who actually pay attention to such things. I put it all on blogrolling so that it's not so big of a pain in the butt to update.
I had an invite today to join a pretty cool livejournal community. Go over to fallsgeeks and check it out. Of course, unless you're from Wichita Falls, it's not going to interest you a whole lot.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go! Move along. Nothing to see here.

Sunday Brunch

New meme thing since I am far too lazy for any actual content.

Do It Yourself
Would you be able to do these things yourself or have someone do it for you?

1. Fix a flat tire.
2. Fix a tear or make alterations to clothing.
3. Unclog a severely plugged up sink or toilet.
4. Change the oil in your car.
5. Put together an unassembled toy or piece of furniture out of the box.

Yes to all of the above. And then some. My family has made sure to teach me and my brothers along the way to be completely self-sufficient. And I can do anything they can do (and I can do it better nah na nanny boo boo). Well, some of it. heh But, yes, there really isn't much that I can't do for myself except for some of the highly technical/brute strength stuff. I haven't had anyone around to take care of that kind of stuff for the most part so it is nice to be able to rely on myself. It is/would be nice to have someone around to take care of the things I can't. Fortunately, there are people I can call on for the stuff I can't take care of, but it is a rare occasion that I have to. I really feel sorry for these people who aren't able to take care of the day to day stuff. And women who act as if they aren't capable of doing such things annoy me to no end. Yeah, it would be nice to have someone to take care of everything for us, but it isn't realistic for some of us. A good relationship, in my opinion, blends each persons talents and they contribute what they are skilled at, helping each other and maybe learning something along the way.

Wait watchers

So, I have been really bad about updating lately. There's just been other things I'd prefer to be doing for a change, rather than lack of anything to say. I have plenty to say, but most of it I am hoarding, and am going to selfishly keep it all to myself so that I may take it out in private and hold it in my hand and admire it as a child might a secret treasure.
But, I do have a niggling little problem. And since I am unable to hold myself accountable, I am going to call upon you, dear readers and friends, to do that for me. Accountability sucks at times, no? Especially when you have an extreme lack of self-control and an overwhelming junk food habit. Yes, that is what this is all about. I still have 20 pounds to go. No, 45 wasn't enough! 20 more, I say! At least. I would like to be able to wear a swimsuit this summer and not look as if I were a sausage stuffed into its casing. So, help a sister out here. I am going to be posting my weight here now, and then I will follow up once a week. Feel free to cast aspersions and throw tomatoes if the numbers have not decreased. (rotten tomatoes only please, lest I eat them). Today's grand total is... are you ready for this? Ok. Here goes. This is harder than I thought it would be. Right. I weigh... and keep in mind that I usually weigh in the morning so that it is less and it is now 2:30 and I have had food and all that and oh okay I'll quit dithering now. I weigh 173??? Sheee-it. A few days ago it was only 163. Maybe we should try that again in the morning. Anyways. That's what the scale says as of 2:33 pm on April 20, 2004. That's worse than I thought because that in essence means I need to get back down to 163 and then lose 20 pounds. So... 30 it is. Ugh.

Hidy hidy hidy hi, hidy hidy hidy ho

Today was really craptacular

I got out of bed just before breakfast because the smell of cooking bacon woke me up.

I feel sad, because Sarah and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.

I'm so happy. I just found out that I have been accepted into Harvard. And Yale. I don't know which to choose... oh, why is life so hard sometimes?

Last night I had to shave my entire body. Apparently, the lice that I caught from Amanda's friend are really hard to get rid of. I look quite strange with no hair and eyebrows. I'd post pictures, but my webcam is broken.

I want to tell the world to get fucked.

I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's ten thousand photographs of my cat.

I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have a terrible skin disease which prevents me from coming into contact with other human beings. And bipolar disorder.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with some naked photos of myself. (Not safe for work - teehee).


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Happy Good Friday!

The Friday Five isn't relevant today, but I saw this meme at jewdez and The Go Fish and liked it better.


Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"Worth it, though!" She stroked my face like she was petting a kitten. "It's a baby's bottom, is your face."

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
The entertainment center

What is the last thing you watched on TV?
A PBS documentary about a fish

With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The TV, my kids playing outside, windchimes

When did you last step outside?
About 30 minutes ago

Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
My email

What are you wearing?
Shortie pajamas with bugs on them

Did you dream last night?
Not that I remember

When did you last laugh?
Last night

What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Paint

Seen anything weird lately?
Not weird enough for me to remember offhand

What do you think of this quiz?
Kind of random, random is good

What is the last movie you saw?
The Ring

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A car

Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I have psychic powers.

If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Every person would have a good home, a decent car and no worries about food or bills or lack of necessities. And every person in the world would be provided healthcare.

Do you like to dance?
Yep
George Bush is he a power-crazy nut case or someone who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
I don't think he is either.

Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
If it had been a girl, it would have been Sophia something.

Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Don't have to imagine. His name is Jaron.

Would you ever consider living abroad?
I consider it all the time, but it is more of a dream at the moment.

Sweet Fancy Moses

I love Clem Snide's new song!!! Wow. I am hooked. I already loved them, but this song rocks my socks off. Scroll down to where it says Listen to All Green or whatever it says. Or just click here. These guys make my ears so happy!

mOnkey see, monkey do

Well, I am completely and totally unoriginal and still have nothing of interest to say so I will post this amusing little 9 layer thingy for non-consumption.

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Cristina
-- Birth date: July 14, 1971
-- Birthplace: Graham, Texas
-- Current Location: Wichita Falls, Texas
-- Eye Color: blue-grey
-- Hair Color: dark brown
-- Height: 5'7"
-- Righty or Lefty: righty tighty
-- Zodiac Sign: Cancer, can't you tell... since I'm so crabby?

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Scots, German, Irish, English, some Native American and who knows what else is in the woodpile.
-- The shoes you wore today: Happy Bunny flip-flops
-- Your weakness: Threesomes with Ben & Jerry, books, and shiny magazines.
-- Your fears: Senility (dementia, Alzheimer's), horrible disfiguring accident, knowing I am dying, being alone for the rest of my life.
-- Your perfect pizza: Ahh Pizza Roma shrimp, mushroom and sun-dried tomato with white sauce.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: To just keep on keepin' on

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: a'ight, ahhh, and ahahahahahaha
-- Your first waking thoughts: Fucking alarm clock. Yeah, you too, you bastard phone.
-- Your best physical feature: I'm told my eyes and my ass. I dunno.
-- Your most missed memory: I don't miss my memories, I still have them all. Well, the ones I want to remember.

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Dr. Pepper
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King if I really had to choose.
-- Single or group dates: Either one, but I'd prefer single.
-- Adidas or Nike: New Balance
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Depends on what it is.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee or frappucchino

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Only when I'm on fire.
-- Cuss: Never. What are you, fucking nuts?
-- Sing: Badly.
-- Take a shower everyday: Generally. Sometimes twice a day. I rarely skip a day.
-- Do you think you've been in love: I wanna know what love is. I've been in versions of love.
-- Want to go to college: Not especially.
-- Liked high school: Not in the least. I hated school from about 4th grade on.
-- Want to get married: Yes.
-- Believe in yourself: No, I'm like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
-- Get motion sickness: Usually only in the back seat. Sometimes in the front, depending on who is driving.
-- Think you're attractive: I'd do me.
-- Think you're a health freak: Only in the sense that my health is freakish.
-- Get along with your parent(s): Yeah, I do now.
-- Like thunderstorms: That's a resounding YES!
-- Play an instrument: Only if the skin flute counts.

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Nope.
-- Smoked: Yep.
-- Done a drug: Prescription ones.
-- Made Out: Yes.
-- Gone on a date: Nope.
-- Gone to the mall?: Nope.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: Nope (Not that they come in boxes. Unless you're talking the ones at the grocery store before they unpack and shelve them. Good God, no in that case.)
-- Eaten sushi: I wish!
-- Been on stage: No.
-- Been dumped: Not in the general sense of dumped, but yeah, I think so
-- Gone skating: Hell no, i don't want to break a hip!
-- Made homemade cookies: I'm not Betty Crocker.
-- Dyed your hair: I'm a recovering dye-aholic.
-- Stolen Anything: Not that I am aware of.

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yeah, several.
-- If so, was it mixed company: Yep.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Dude, where's my car?!?
-- Been caught "doing something": hehehe many times
-- Been called a tease: Once years and years ago but I wasn't.
-- Gotten beaten up: Sort of.
-- Shoplifted: Yeah, back in my way younger days.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: No, I never fit in anyway.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: uhm.. 40? I'll just have to give up and become a crazy old cat lady if I'm not by then.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 3. Jaron, Maddy, Willa.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Vegas, baby!
-- How do you want to die: In my sleep like my Grandpa. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. (heh NOT REALLY!)
-- Where you want to go to college: I don't.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: I don't want to grow up.
-- What country would you most like to visit: Great Britian, New Zealand.

LAYER NINE:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: So many I lost the ability to count.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: I'd like to think there's a few, but I'm not a very trusting person.
-- Number of CDs that I own: Haven't a clue. Not many.
-- Number of piercings: 7. 3 in one ear, 4 in the other. Used to have my eyebrow pierced.
-- Number of tattoos: Two.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: I dunno, a few. More if you count the police blotter.
-- Number of scars on my body: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13...hell.. too many to sit here and count. I'll run out of fingers and toes.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: I don't live my life with regrets. I'd be mired in a quicksand of remorse.

Bad blogger! Bad!

I know, I know. I've been very neglectful here. But in my defense I was out of town for almost a week with no internet access. Otherwise, I just haven't had much to say. Well, I take that back. I've had plenty to say but y'all really don't want to hear me bitch and moan and whine, now do ya? Didn't think so. It's pretty much a broken record anyways. Kids driving me crazy, need a vacation (from them), preferably one involving a lot of sex (or just any sex anytime at all), my car sucks ass and is fallin' apart on me, I am broke already, etc, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseum. So, unless any of y'all can do anything about any of that... well, don't be bitchin' cuz I'm not postin'.

The Friday Five

(Yeah, yeah, I backdated it. Shuddup.)

If you...

1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
Hmm... if I were doing the cooking? Homestyle definitely. Lots of soups and sandwiches and chili and stuff. I actually want a lunch counter/coffee bar/bookstore. And I had a great idea over the weekend. Why not have a laundromat with it all, too? Anyone want to venture into business with me? I think it would really work.

2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
Books, definitely books. And maybe mixed media. And coffee and stuff. See above.

3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
Chick Lit probably.

4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
Oral Gratification

5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
Eek! Y'all definitely don't want me singing. Much less recording my singing. But if I could sing I'd want to be able to sing bluesy, torch music. Something sexy and soulful. Like Portishead maybe.

Elvis Costello - She

She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
Maybe my treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She may be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a Heaven or a Hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell....

She, who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She maybe the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows in the past
That I remember 'till the day I die

She maybe the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I care for through the rough and ready years

Me, I'll take the laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She....She
Oh, she....

Friday Five

1. What was the last song you heard?
Still Frame by Trapt

2. What were the last two movies you saw?
The Missing and Pieces of April

3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Weell, I went grocery shopping a few hours ago so a bunch of things were purchased there. Went and bought the kids some dress-up type rocks star clothes at the resale shops before that. And bought some gas before that.

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
Hmmm.... win the lotto. Ha. I SHOULD clean house and clean off my dresser in my bedroom and clean the kids toy boxes out. But as far as NEED to? Nothing I can think of other than get laid. (Oh, oops, did I say that out loud?)

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
Matt, my mom, my kids

Friday Five

What was...

1. ...your first grade teacher's name?
Nell Wheat

2. ...your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?
Hey, Hey, Hey... It's Fat Albert! And it wasn't a cartoon but I LOVED Captain Kangaroo.

3. ...the name of your very first best friend?
I had two. They were sisters. Amy and Karen

4. ...your favorite breakfast cereal?
Lucky Charms! Still is. They're magically delicious.

5. ...your favorite thing to do after school?
Watch "after school programs" and later on the Dukes of Hazzard or play outside

She's Always a Woman - Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe
And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me

Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
But she can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

Hoot.. Hoot..

Why is it that some of us are wired to be night people? And no matter how hard we try we can't reset our internal clock to daylight hours, no matter how necessary it is? As far back as I can remember, and that's pretty far, I've always been a night owl. As a little kid, I would have to go to bed early for school and whatnot and I can remember laying there sleepless for HOURS. And of course, come morning I wouldn't want to get up. Some mornings I would go into the bathroom and lock the door as if I were getting ready for school and I would lay towels on the floor and go back to sleep for as long as I could get away with. And in the summer and on weekends, we didn't have to go to bed (or if we were made to I never went to sleep) so I was always up. Over the years I have tried and tried to do the early to bed, early to rise thing. And I just can't get it to work for me. What makes me mad is people who think that you are lazy or crazy or whatever for being that way. To this day, my dad infuriates me because he just doesn't understand that not all people are like him. Anyways, here it is almost 6 am and I haven't been to bed yet. The last couple of weeks the insomnia thing has been really bad. It doesn't help that I hate my bed being empty all the time. How stupid is that? That and when I do lay down a million and one things go through my head and I can't get any peace. Maybe I need more coffee.

I feel like I should post something, but the only words that want to come out are not good ones. I haven't been in the mood to talk lately. Haven't been in the mood to do anything really. I am feeling trapped and mentally overburdened and all I want to do is either crawl into a hole or rant and rave and kick things. It's not really that I don't want to talk, I just don't want to try to have inane conversations. Someone asks me what's up or how I am doing and I don't want to say I'm fine and that nothing is up. I want to say that I am slowly losing my mind and that everything is fucked up and that I hate my life. But, who wants to hear that. What does one say in reply to that? I don't want your fucking platitudes. I don't want "I feel ya" or "I understand" or "I know how you feel". Because you know what? You don't. (don't take the you personally, I am speaking generally here but really, you don't) You have no idea the fucked up extent of my existence. You have no idea of the feelings that go on inside of me. You have no idea what it is like to live my fucked up life. Sure, you have stress too. Sure, you get in bad moods too. Sure, you have shitty things happen to you. But you don't know how I feel and if you don't know what it is like to be me. That may sound selfish, but there it is. I don't let the real stuff out, mostly because people I don't want people to know. I don't want pity, I don't want people thinking "man, she really is messed up". It's true though. I am. But, I have learned that people don't want to hear it. And if you do tell them... well, they never look at you the same again. But, neither can I keep it all inside anymore. It eats at me. But, no one wants to hear it. I've been through this cycle before. I know it will change, and things will be better. It's hard to see the end of it though when you are so wrapped up in loneliness and despair and anger and sadness that you just don't want to go on anymore. Most days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. It's not that I want to die. It's just that I don't want to live this life anymore and I don't see a way out of it right now. I've tried, and I've tried and well... I'm tired of trying. That too will change, but until it does this is how I feel. I've said it a million times, I need a break. But, I don't seem to be going to get one. I know I need to change my attitude, but that is easier said than done. There are so many levels on which I am unhappy. And discouraged. I don't see them changing. I don't see Mr. Right walking into my life. I don't see the perfect job opening up. I don't see winning the lottery. I know these things are possible. But the way things have gone for me my entire life... I don't see them happening. Yet, I am so damned lonely and miserable and hopeful and I want someone to hold me and say everything is going to be okay. And mean it because they know the whole story and they care. And well... I don't know why I bother. I should be used to it by now. I rent movies and I don't even watch them because I want someone to watch them with. I wish for friends, but I haven't the slightest idea of how to go about finding them. That and over the years I've learned that people suck and it's just not worth trying to be friends with them because you always end up alone in the end. I don't know. I hate feeling this way. I hate wanting what I can't have. And most of all I hate not knowing why the fuck I can't have it. Am I so repulsive that people don't want to be with me? What am I doing wrong? I have yet to figure out why I can't keep a friend or a lover. I know that most of the time it's because I ditch them because they are assholes. And yes, I am an asshole sometimes too, but we all have our boundaries. I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't do bad things. That's why I quit people. Why do people quit me? Maybe I expect too much. All I know is I just want a chance. That's all. A chance.

I received an email today from a lady who had read a comment I had written on another blog. It's kind of cool that you can either help or inspire or reassure people who you have never met and never will meet with just a few words graffitied on the internet. I'm glad she took the time to send me an email. I vaguely remembered the post she was talking about, so I searched until I found it. This is the post on moodymama that she read and my comments are farther down. Take a minute to read it or you won't understand the rest of what I am about to say.
Done?
Ok.
I spent years in hell. YEARS. In HELL. I thought I was crazy. Thought I should be locked up somewhere. And it just got worse and worse and worse. When I was pregnant with Willa and the year after I had her, I was seriously considering Red River. I had been bad in years past. Breaking things, raging and raging. Hurting myself mostly. Physically anyway. Emotionally myself and others. Now, I knew a lot of it was due to my hormones, because the worst of it would hit before my period, it was bad during and some after. It was a vicious cycle. The week before my period I was like a land mine. Set and ready to go off and who knew when or on who it would go off. I was temperamental and irritable and hostile. There were times when I literally saw red. It was like the "dragon" had possessed me and I could feel the rage and hate overtaking me until I wasn't there anymore. Then, when I started my period... I was depressed. Crying constantly, getting my feelings hurt over and over for nothing. Then the week after my period, that was the worst. Suicidal, feelings of worthlessness, why should I live I am a horrible person I wish I would just die please God just take me now and get it over with. I dreamed of dying, killing myself, being killed in some random accident. Fantasized about it. And this went on for years. From the time I was 13 or 14 until I was 31 years old, progressively getting worse and worse. I had times when it wasn't so bad. But that could all change in a moment. It was always there, lurking. Since I've had the hysterectomy I have been a different person. Oh sure, I have my moods. But that's life. Now I have a handle on them and can discern between real emotion and the irrational, out-of-control monster that had overtaken my emotions. Stress is gonna happen. But when it is coming from inside of you... what do you do? Especially when you can't control it. I had taken pills upon pills upon pills to no avail. If it had gone on the way it was headed, who knows where I would be now. And I had pretty much forgotten all of that. Well, not forgotten but pushed to the back of the memory vault. Who wants to remember horrible stuff? So, I am glad that woman read my words and took a moment to write me about them. It was a great reminder. Because yeah... things could be worse.

Friday Five

1. What cologne or perfume do you wear?
The last two perfumes I wore were Wish by Chopard and Sentiment by Escada. I generally don't wear the same perfume for more than one bottle. I either get tired of it or just want a change. Right now I want some Amor Amor by Cacharel or Intense by Hugo Boss. Anyone want to indulge me?

2. What cologne or perfume do you like best on the opposite sex?
Herrera by Carolina Herrera, anything Hugo Boss.

3. What one smell can you not stomach?
My mom's perfume, that Pheremone crap.

4. What smell do you like that others might consider weird?
Gasoline, mechanic shops.

5. How do you plan to spend your weekend?
Probably the same way I spend most weekends, in extreme boredom. Anyone want to unbore me?

New blog

So, I started another blog today. Probably won't be of any interest to y'all because it is just going to be a giant listing of all the books I read, what I think about them and whatnot. But, if anyone is interested it's over here.

Calling All Angels

Santa Maria, Santa Teresa, Santa Anna, Santa Susannah
Santa Cecilia, Santa Copelia, Santa Domenica, Mary Angelica
Frater Achad, Frater Pietro, Julianus, Petronilla
Santa, Santos, Miroslaw, Vladimir
and all the rest

a man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries
and high above the church bells start to ring
and as the heaviness the body oh the heaviness settles in
somewhere you can hear a mother sing

then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road
how much weight? how much weight?
then it's how long? and how far?
and how many times before it's too late?

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
calling all angels
calling all angels
we're cryin' and we're hurtin'
and we're not sure why...

and every day you gaze upon the sunset
with such love and intensity
it's almost...it's almost as if
if you could only crack the code
then you'd finally understand what this all means

but if you could...do you think you would
trade in all the pain and suffering?
ah, but then you'd miss
the beauty of the light upon this earth
and the sweetness of the leaving

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
callin' all angels
callin' all angels
we're tryin'
we're hopin'
we're hurtin'
we're lovin'
we're cryin'
we're callin'
'cause we're not sure how this goes

Artist: Jane Siberry with k.d.lang Lyrics

This was the first song they played at my father-in-law's funeral. I hadn't heard it in forever and it was very fitting. The other one they played was Amazing Grace on the bagpipes. He always said that's what he wanted played at his funeral. Little did we know it would be so soon. Rest in peace, Grand-dad.

No witty title

Today has been a sad day. My father-in-law lost his battle with cancer. He fought long and hard, but in the end it wasn't enough. Our only consolation is that he is in a better place now. But, it isn't much when he has left behind so many who loved him at such an early age. It's hard to understand why God does the things he does. That's always been a major problem with me and religion. Why does He take a good person when there are so many bad ones wasting space on this Earth? And it's hard to try to explain why Grand-dad isn't with us anymore to my children. They don't know or care that he is in a better place and not sick and in pain anymore, they just know that they aren't ever going to get to see him or play with him again. They will understand someday, but it doesn't make it any easier NOW. For anyone of us really. His funeral is Tuesday and they want to go. It is going to be a hard day emotionally. But all we can do is get through it and try to understand. Life goes on. It will have a Grand-dad sized hole in it, but it does go on.

Do I look like I need more caffeine??

I don't know what it is about me that makes sweet young boys want to bring me coffee. Maybe they think that is the way to an old woman's heart. More likely into her panties. (Although why they would want into an old woman's panties is beyond me.) I wish that I could take them up on all the coffee offers, without the strings, just for the yummy coffee. Alas, the only sweet young boy that I want to bring me coffee is not speaking to me, so I don't hold out hopes of any more of his lovely, string-free coffee deliveries. I miss them.

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor?
Sometime in December

2. ...went to the dentist?
Yeesh, November or December of 2002.

3. ...filled your gas tank?
Day before yesterday

4. ...got enough sleep?
A few weeks

5. ...backed up your computer?
That would be never.

Which Happy Bunny am I?

you are the "you're so dumb" happy bunny.
you are brutal in your words and enjoy putting
others down.


which happy bunny are you?
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Un Momento Alla

Que bonito fue, fuimos un par
y llenos de amor, un momento allá

No existía el bien, ni tampoco el mal,
nada más tú y yo, y un momento allá

Días sin fin, noches también,
amor así, nomás uno en la vida
Entregaré todo mi ser
por un momento allá

Te siento temblar, ¿Es porque te vas?
¿O piensas que darte un momento más?

La luz es amor, no se acabará
Longramos brillar un momento allá

Días sin fin, noches también,
amor así, nomás uno en la vida
Entregaré todo mi ser
por un momento allá


(Translation)

I find myself greatly unsettled lately. Have you ever had the feeling that you are forgetting to do something, or missing something, but for the life of you you can't figure out what it is? I feel that way all the time. I know that it is because I am not happy with the way my life it, yet can't seem to figure out what it is I need to do about it. Circumstances prevent me from doing many things. That adds to the stresses I have. I feel like I am in a giant maze and I KNOW that there are goodies stashed all around, but I keep taking the wrong paths to get to them. And when I find a goody, it either isn't what I want or some unseen force comes and takes it away from me. The hardest part is the loneliness. I have a feeling I could get some of the things in my head straight if I wasn't just so damn consumed with being lonely. I've tried to overcome that, but it's powerful. And, I've been alone so long that I think I not only grasp at the least little kindness, but I am very selfish about it as well. Of course, a lot of being alone is my fault. I have let the past cloud my judgement in some issues and old habits are hard to break, especially when you don't realize you are doing it. So, between not finding anyone worthy enough, finding someone worthy and pushing them away, and finding someone worthy and it just isn't meant to be ... well, that leaves me still alone. I often wonder why some things in life are so hard, and if maybe I make them harder than they really are. I don't know anymore. Maybe I will someday.

Yum

Since I had my gallbladder surgery, I've been trying to eat low and no fat foods. They can be a challenge to cook sometimes. Well, they are easy to cook, the challenge is making them palatable. I am getting better. But, sometimes you just gotta eat REAL food. I love to cook, but it's mostly comfort food and old favorites. I've been thinking about King Ranch Chicken for a while now and today I just had to make it. Pretty damn good if I do say so myself. Want some?

Glory Box - Portishead

(Great for getting your schwerve on.)


I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long
Just. .
Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
I just wanna be a woman
From this time, unchained
We're all looking at a different picture
Thru this new frame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over, and give us some room

So don't you stop, being a man
Just take a little look from our side when you can
Sow a little tenderness
No matter if you cry
Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be ee, a woman
Its all I wanna be is all woman
For this is the beginning of forever and ever
Its time to move over

Yay!

I now have a washer. One that works! For free! I have the best Mommy and Daddy and Clyde in the world, too.

Ex-husband Gripe #8362

Tonight was a test of the emergency back-up system. You failed miserably. Had there been an actual emergency the police would have been on your doorstep. When I call your house repeatedly and frantically and leave messages for you to call me NOW, I mean now. I don't mean whenever you goddamned well get around to it. Count your blessings that it turned out to be NOT an actual emergency. This is your final warning.

(yeah yeah, I know he isn't gonna read this, and when I tell him this in person I'll do it in a nicer way. I'm venting, y'all should be used to that.)

Laundry Gripe #372

What is worse than not having a washing machine? Having puking children and no washing machine.

Mmm... crow

Ok. So, I have always said that if I am wrong I will be the first one to admit it. It happens so rarely that it's not something that I am used to or that comes easy to me. But, here it is. I was wrong. It was wrong of me to stereotype you. It was wrong of me to think that you were like all of the other assholes I have had the misfortune to be friends with. And above all, it was wrong of me to give you attitude. That is something that I need to work on. I will also admit that. I have became far too bitter and cynical and have found it too easy to jump the gun and get my feelings hurt over something that shouldn't be such an issue. I think I have become somewhat self-absorbed and forget to think that there may be things going on in other peoples lives as well. In my head it's alway about rejection. That's what it always has been in the past, and again with the stereotyping. I have learned my lesson. I knew when we entered this relationship that things would be different. That due to circumstances it wouldn't be the usual boy/girl thing. And you aren't the usual boy. I try not to be the usual girl. So, this is the public apology for anything posted here in a snit. I'm sorry and I hope that you can forgive me.

corny stuff

hug from behind - you like to feel what the other
person is feeling and see things how they see
them. you tend to be serious and emotional.


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

More old drivel

Words
spoken harshly, can cut like a knife, sear like the flame, and crush like an avalanche of stone. The empty ache caused can hurt for an eternity. The bitter pain can be unbearable. The endless lonely days and nights can cause those words to echo in the hollowness of your heart and mind.
Then, someone comes along with a few words of tenderness, hope, support. The hollowness if filled up like sunshine filling a dark cavern. Those words can give you a new reason to fight your battles and go on with life. A few words of inspiration can lift the spirits like a breeze blowing through the leaves.
It is my belief that words - though spoken in haste or carefully thought out - should not be spoken before the consequences are reviewed.
After all, what good are words of support or consolation if they are not really meant.
(circa 1989)

Talk

I remember when I called you,
Just wanting to talk.
You came right over.
Was talking all you wanted
Or was something else on your mind?
Sometime in the next few hours
My need to talk turned
Into a need for something else,
And then there was no need to talk.
But, now I want to talk again
And I don't have the nerve to call you
because I don't know if you'll come this time.
Do you want to talk?
(circa 1987)

Crying in the Night

I lay in bed at night
Crying myself to sleep
Knowing it isn't right.
I never knew my feelings for you
Could ever run so deep.
All those nights we spent together
In each others arms.
I thought that I could trust you,
That you would do me nor harm.
But there were others, too.
And I soon realized
That I could not keep you
All to myself.
But, that doesn't keep me from dreaming,
Crying in the night.
And now in my daily plight
I hope to have you
And have you without a fight.
Soon there will be no pain,
No crying in the night.
(circa 1985 or 6)

God, I was stupid. I don't guess much has changed.

Good advice

Holy Mother of God, this shit is funny. I am still laughing.
Sure, she’s good-lookin’. She’s also crazy. Crazy as a shithouse rat. Run for your life.
This should be my new tagline. hahahaha

You're So Yesterday - Marvelous 3

I guess I met the devil, but I sure didn't know no better
You were kool as hell like e-mail, but still timeless like a letter
As I sit and I stare at the satanic glare, on the glass frame in front of your face
You're alone on my shelf, yelling, "look at yourself"
I feel like Bobby Brady breaking the vase

But now you're all screwed up

(chorus)
You're so yesterday
Miles away
Promised myself on new years day
I'd take a bath today
And wash you away
As all of your little blonde hairs go down the drain

Your sister called me yesterday to tell me I was a loser
At least I haven't lost my mind, and at least I'm not a boozer
As I tried to heed to your wants and your needs
You were solemnly lost in space
So keep reading your books on "how to give dirtly looks"
Everytime I should be put in my place

Now you're all screwed up

(chorus)

I guess I met the devil, but I sure didn't know no better
You were cool as hell like e-mail, but still timeless like a letter

(chorus)

Swing, swing

Days swiftly come and go.
I'm dreaming of her
She's seeing other guys
Emotions they stir
The sun is gone.
The nights are long
And I am left while the tears fall.

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

Wish cast into the sky
I'm moving on
Sweet beginnings do arise
She knows I was wrong
The notes are old,
They bend, they fold
and so do I to a new love.

Bury me
(you thought your problems were gone)
Carry me
(away. away, away...)

Friday Five

1. Are you superstitious?
Yes.

2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition?
Stopping and turning around and driving miles out of the way to avoid crossing the black cat's path, locking oneself in the house and not going anywhere at all on Friday the 13th.

3. Believer or not, what's your favorite superstition?
Ahh.. I like them all.

4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual?
Yes, to a certain extent. I don't really believe in the whole number/article/ritual thing though.
It's more being in the right time at the right place and things like that.

5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?
Yes, I do, again to an extent. I believe the pull of the tide and the moon etc do have certain effects on our bodies. Of course, I get looked at like I am a raving maniac when I say that, or told that I am going to hell.

SERENITY NOW!!!!

Today has been another one of those days. We got the dryer to working yesterday. I am quite pleased with it. The washing machine is from hell and I am having Satan's minions come and get it in the morning as I am quite tired of dealing with it. The "repair man" (and I use the term loosely) has been here three different times, and the washer still leaks. So, I will get another one and keep my fingers crossed that it works properly. Actually, I am going to see if I can get my Mamaw's old washing machine from back home here and see if it works and if not what needs to be done to get it that way. It would be cheaper than buying another one and it worked fine when it was put into storage. It's just the logistics of moving it 60someodd miles. Hopefully, worth it in the long run and not moved that far just to go into the junk heap. Think positive! I sometimes have a problem doing that. Inherent pessimism and all that. There is a saying that I try to keep in mind. "I was sad because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet." Generally, there is always someone who is in a worse situation than you are. I learned a long time ago not to ask what else could go wrong. And, it could always be worse. It has been worse. Not THE worst, but I've had some pretty bad times. But, all one can do it live through them and hopefully learn and become stronger for them. Still, they can get you down when you don't ever have a break from them. When one thing after another happens, and many things at once are happening. I'm gonna whine about it again. I need a vacation. I guess we could all use one though. I am in a better mood than I was the other day. Like I said, when I am in a pissy mood, EVERYTHING pisses me off. Even stuff I am generally not going to get pissed about. I have learned to have compassion. To always give the benefit of the doubt. But, I am also an inherent worrier. No matter who it is. If someone doesn't call, I fear the worst. In a barditch somewhere, etc. It's usually not the case, but it has been known to be. So, there's that and the whole being considerate thing. Anyways... I ramble on.
Someone just mentioned V-day. I think I'll kick him.

Lost cause

Well. Okay. I have lost my mind. I was over at dooce just now checking out the goings on and pictures and now I am sitting here crying (it was the bottom picture that did it). I know, I know. I have 3 kids that drive me crazy. And I love each and every one of them. And no, I really don't want more. Well, I do in a way. It saddens me that I don't have that choice any more. That I won't ever be able to go through the whole process the way it should be done, with a loving partner and father there. That I won't ever experience the wonders of a new baby again. That I will miss out on some great guys because they haven't experienced that and can't with me so they will do it with someone else. I debated long and hard about having a hysterectomy. And I know it was the thing to do, but still... I have my moments.

stalking me, stalking you

Have you ever noticed how some songs have very stalker-like leanings?
My playlist at this moment:

Feel - Robbie Williams

What's Your Fantasy - Ludacris

Come To My Window - Melissa Etheridge

Call Me - Blondie

Hold On - Good Charlotte

That's gonna leave a mark

I'm a clumsy bitch. Always have been. Years ago, one of my cousins nicknamed me "Tommy Girl" one day after the 574,899th time I marked myself in some bizarre incident. That day it was opening the door to my Grand Cherokee and proceeding to bloody my nose and black both my eyes in the process. I can't tell you how many times I've been wounded by car doors. Fingers slammed in them, legs slammed in them, hands rolled up in windows, hair rolled up in windows, jabbing myself on the top corner (you know the one, the wicked sharp pointy part), smacking myself in the face/head/body with them, breaking a finger hanging a ring on them. You name it. And that's just car doors, all the other assorted injuries due to other inanimate objects would take many more posts. Today my cousin and I had to go to Walmart and get some washer/dryer crap. I jumped out of the pickup and some of his assorted floorboard ornamentation fell out. I leaned down to pick it up and on rising up tried to remove my nose with my glasses by slamming them into the rearview mirror. Yeah, it left a mark.

And I'm pissed at Cupid too

Does anyone not remember that I think February sucks? There's a reason for that. I hate Valentine's Day. Why? I guess because of the whole symbolism thing and all it represents. Because I'm always left out of that. I have never had a date for Valentine's Day, no romantic gifts, no flowers, no candy, no jack shit. NEVER. Hell, I am 32 years old and I've never had a proper "date" much less a proper Valentine's Day. So, yeah, I'm a little disenchanted with Valentine's day and all of that. If I hear any more about it I may commence another massacre.

Caution: Rant Ahead

I've been on the verge of getting my mad on for a while now. Well, no longer. I am in a hella bad mood. I'm tired. I don't feel the greatest. I'm broke. There are people who suck. I am sexually frustrated. You name it. I'm sick of things not going the way they are supposed to. I am sick of people not doing the things they are supposed to. The next governmental road block I come across, I am probably going to blow up the goddamn building. Or assassinate Gee Dubya. (yeah, now the feebs and all those other governmental pantywaists will probably be watching me, fuck 'em)
After driving all over hell and half of Texas Friday and finally finding a reasonably priced washer and dryer (and of course not at the same place) I couldn't get the sonofabitches home. Well, they are home now. And the fucking washing machine doesn't work. So, now I have to see if the guy who sold it to me is going to stand behind his guarantee that it worked or if I am going to have to go and yank his asshole over his head. Does the dryer work? I don't have a clue. The plug-in is the wrong fucking kind and the maintenance man is out until God knows when.
I had an appointment this morning at yet another agency (yes, governmental agency, the fuckers) and after sitting there waiting for over an hour (with a cranky 2 year old) I was finally able to provide them with all 97 pages of the information they required. So, of course, I am expecting to hear back from them with an approval. Is that what they called me with this afternoon? Fucking hell no. I now have to go BACK and apply with the other stupid fucking State agency that denied me in the first place and then take the denial back to THEM before they will approve me. As if the first denial wasn't enough? No, now I have to repeat the entire fucking process, and WAIT for God only knows how many more months before I can get the help I need to go to the Dr. to find out about the goddamned abdominal mass I have. That's lovely. Thanks, y'all. I hope it's not fucking cancer and y'all are just dicking me around and letting it overtake my body before you help me so then you won't have to pay out as much because I'll be DEAD.
Some days I wonder if that isn't better. (Oh, y'all didn't know I have had my lovely psychotic breaks and flirtations with suicide? yeah) At least that way my kids would have money for the things they need. If their fucking sperm donors would step up and be real men I wouldn't have to worry about that. That's what I get for messing with not-real men. And still I'm too fucking nice and don't nail their asses to the wall. Why is that? Well, I don't know, but I tell you, my ex-husband just used his last get out of shit free card. He has a brandgoddamned new truck and I get shit for child support and he couldn't help me get my washer and dryer home. And we won't even get off on the subject of Brad. Useless fucker. He should have to have a mandatory frontal lobotomy. Yeah, I'm just gonna touch on all the things that piss me off. Why not? It's my fucking rant. (and yeah I'm gonna use that word alot, if you don't like it, don't read it) Fucking men piss me the hell off. They really do. That was one major reason for the whole celibacy thing. But I blew that one all to hell, didn't I? Not that I regret it for one second. I'm just pissed off right now so everything is fair game. Those who know me know that I may rant and rave and throw things but don't take it personally, eh? Well, sometimes it's personal. If I'm spouting off at the mouth it's a pretty fair indication that it's not too personal. It's when I don't talk that you should wonder. I'm kind of passive-aggressive that way. And when I'm mad everything pisses me off. (You know the other night when you asked if I was mad? And I said irritated maybe, but not mad? Well, the next time I'll be mad. It's happened four times. I can excuse a few, but when it becomes a habit it pisses me off. Oh, who am I kidding... I wouldn't be pissed with you. Hurt and irritated maybe. I hate waiting for someone who isn't going to show up. It makes me feel like I don't matter enough to a) show up b) call and say you aren't going to show up. And why am I saying this here? Sorry, got carried away.) Now I've lost track of where I was. Oh yeah. Everything pisses me off. I seriously need a break. I've dealt with this shit for far too long and haven't had any real time for just me, no kids around. And it's beginning to show. But, there's that whole no money, nowhere to go thing. It's a circle jerk. So, while a weekend away would be nice I don't guess I'll be getting a break anytime soon. Maybe some dirty, nasty, hot, sweaty, pisstheneighborsoff, rough sex? Can I get that? Because I'd take that, too.

One step closer...

to not singing the Wash Woman Blues. I bought a washer and dryer today. Now... I just have to figure out how I am going to get them home short of strapping them to my back and carrying them.

Friday Five (yeah it's late, bite me)

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
I guess that depends on your definition of daring. Public nudity, sex in public, meeting people off of the internet, getting stoned in Six Flags countless things.

2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?
I think I've pretty much done all of it. Tattoos, the above listed stuff, piercing my eyebrow. I can't think of much left that they wouldn't approve of that I haven't tried.

3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
In the past... 10. Now? Probably 2 or 3.

4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?
Seeing New Orleans for the first time in the early morning rain. Meeting a truly awesome person.

5. ... and what's the worst?
I can't think of any worsts. I have escaped my adventures unscathed for the most part. I try not to live my life regretting things that I have done.

a frayed knot

You know the saying... when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on? Mine looks suspiciously like a noose.

Super Blow

Well, the Pats pulled it off in the last minute (literally). And they weren't the only one pulling it off. What the HAYULL was up with the Janet and Justin halftime show antics?!? Oh my Gawd! The whole halftime thing has got to where it sucks so bad it's not even worth watching. I guess they think that "surprises" like that will keep everyone interested. Forget about the lip-synching and half-hearted performances. And Beyonce really needs to stick to what she does best. The national anthem it is not. Aerosmith was great, as usual. And Josh Groban... my oh my that boy can SING! His was the best performance bar none. Well, other than Tom Brady's. The commercials weren't all they usually are either. The AOL/Orange County choppers one did crack me up. And the Bud Light dog trick one. And I liked the Pepsi one, but why not just let people download the songs, why must they buy Pepsi to get them? Oh yeah... marketing. Too bad Pepsi sucks. I'll stick with WinMX. But, the main purpose of it all was the game, and it was an excellent one. The Panthers did an awesome job and I thought they might have it there for a minute, but the Pats and their experience persevered.

Friday Five

You have just won one million dollars:

1. Who do you call first?
My Mom and my Dad.

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?
A Cadillac ESV

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?
A Tahoe for my Mom.

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?
Yes, to family. Actually it wouldn't be so much giving it to them as buying them things.

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?
Yes, I would invest most of it. How I don't know, I would have to either research the best possible way to do that or hire an investment manager.

Needful things

I have expensive tastes. Here lately I haven't been able to support those habits as in the past. Now, I just settle for adding things I want to my gigantor list. I was in Dillard's the other day buyin some pantays and of course I had to go by the perfume counter. Bad idea. I have been out of perfume for a long time now, and since I only like the expensive ones and would rather go without than wear anything cheap, I have been without for far too long. The new Cacharel Amor Amor caught my eye and my nose first. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw the familiar Boss logo. Me love Boss long time. So, I knew I'd like it without smelling it, but I had to anyway. Oh My Gawd. It's called Boss Intense and it smells like ... well, let's just say I got all turned on there in the big middle of Dillard's. I must have.

Not Atkins-friendly

Like me, Joelle is a little tired of the whole Atkins, low-carb business. She put it much better. I am still laughing my arse off.
As beautiful as she is, I'd dig him up for her. Yes, I have a crush.

Cold Weather Conversations

trapshootinguytx: my nuts were frozen..i walked all over campus
trapshootinguytx: in like 25 degrees..with a wind chill of 12 and wind like a muther
b0rderline_fo0l: well uh cover em up next time
trapshootinguytx: i did, i had jeans
trapshootinguytx: and boxers
trapshootinguytx: i would keep a hand in my pants if i could, might look funny
b0rderline_fo0l: well if they were frozen obviously you need more
b0rderline_fo0l: long coat? crotch scarf? put a sock on it?
trapshootinguytx: crotch scarf?
b0rderline_fo0l: yes, haven't you heard of those?
trapshootinguytx: no i havent
trapshootinguytx: can u locate one for me?
b0rderline_fo0l: i can have my mom make you one
trapshootinguytx: does it cover the nuts too? lol
trapshootinguytx: does she need measurements?
trapshootinguytx: lol
b0rderline_fo0l: that would be the crotch, yes
trapshootinguytx: ok, goood
b0rderline_fo0l: no, they are pretty much one size fits all
trapshootinguytx: ok, does she make these a lot?
b0rderline_fo0l: she will now
trapshootinguytx: lol
trapshootinguytx: call her now
b0rderline_fo0l: it's gonna be a revolution
trapshootinguytx: lol
b0rderline_fo0l: ok, what color would you like?
trapshootinguytx: hmm
trapshootinguytx: green
b0rderline_fo0l: ok, i'm on it

Wash Woman Blues

Laundromats suck. Big time. That is all.

Presidential Smack-Down

Well, ok, not really. My (politician thank ya very much) buddy Jay Dee Gee sent me this cool link here. If you are undecided about who to vote for, or if you just want to confirm that you are voting for the right candidate go to this here site and take the quiz. The results are interesting to say the least and might surprise you.

I'm #1

For anyone searching for "like peas and carrots" on Google or Yahoo. I was #2 on DogPile. But, of course, who is it that searches for that?

Another ranter

My buddy Josh has a new blog. Go check him out, I just gave him a new look.

In case anyone was wondering...

This guy is getting my vote.

no hatin'

In his final years, my grandfather suffered from many strokes, dementia, and extreme hard-of-hearingness (yes, I like to make words up). In one of his many visits to the hospital while he was still pretty much with it, yet exceedingly hard of hearing, the nurse was telling him what they were going to be doing to him. She was going down the list, and he was sitting there nodding. She asked him if he had ever had a catheter before and he suddenly became very indignant. "I am NOT a cat hater!", he tells her in a very offended tone of voice.

Cat hater. hahaha

My travels

Places I've visited or passed through (had to be awake and set foot in) in bold, places I've lived at least three contingent months in italics and bold.

1) Alabama 2) Alaska 3) Arizona 4) Arkansas 5) California 6) Colorado 7) Connecticut 8) Delaware
9) Florida 10) Georgia 11) Hawaii 12) Idaho 13) Illinois 14) Indiana 15) Iowa 16) Kansas 17) Kentucky 18) Louisiana 19) Maine 20) Maryland 21) Massachusetts 22) Michigan 23) Minnesota 24) Mississippi 25) Missouri 26) Montana 27) Nebraska 28) Nevada 29) New Hampshire 30) New Jersey 31) New Mexico 32) New York
33) North Carolina 34) North Dakota 35) Ohio 36) Oklahoma! 37) Oregon 38) Pennsylvania
39) Rhode Island 40) South Carolina 41) South Dakota 42) Tennessee 43) Texas
44) Utah 45) Vermont 46) Virginia 47) Washington 48) West Virginia 49) Wisconsin 50) Wyoming and 51) DC

Additionally, well, I have no additionally since I've never been abroad. Maybe someday.

As always put yours on your blog, in the comments, or email it to me. Come on people, I tell you all about me.. what about you?


Snagged from Skillzy via sugarmama.

Friday Five

At this moment, what is your favorite...

1. ...song?
That's a tough one, I like so many. Lately the one going through my head is Hit That. Love me some Offspring.

2. ...food?
Ahh food. Another toughie. I like it all. Today I am lovin me some salad blend with Butter Lettuce and Radicchio with BBQ Ranch dressing.

3. ...tv show?
Any Day Now, but I don't ever get to watch it. I wonder if they have it on DVD yet? My fave I do get to watch is ER but I have been less than impressed with it lately.

4. ...scent?
Snuggle Botanical Bliss fab softener. And Mr. Stopable's special blend cologne. Smells like candy. (why do I have that damn song in my head now, yeah, you know the one)

5. ...quote?
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. Hagar the Horrible ha!

If yer gonna spew, spew in this....

Today over at Mac's she wrote about something that brought back a disgusting memory for me. Go there and read her post and check the comments for what happened to me regarding that.

Rediscovery

I don't know how or why I fell out of touch with Sister Hazel. I remember them from way back, and loved their stuff. Cruising around on All Blogged Up the other day she had some lyrics and a link at the end of one of her posts. I liked the one she had thrown up there (Your Mistake), and made a mental note to check them out. I'm glad I finally remembered. These guys are so great. They have improved much over the years that I haven't been listening to them, and there are several songs on their latest album, Chasing Daylight, that speak to me. Most notably Life Got in the Way, Killing Me Too, Effortlessly, and Can't Believe. Pretty decent sorta southern alternative rock. (LOL) Check them out, you won't be sorry.

Postcards from the Barditch

In my previous post, I made a statement that isn't entirely true. I do have friends. Not many, but I do. I have become very selective about those who I surround myself with, to the point that I am not surrounded. So, thank you to those friends for being the kind of people who I can let in. I have been doing some thinking today. And some talking. One of my friends will not simply let me "be". He doesn't do it on purpose. (Well, sometimes he does.) He is the kind of person who makes me want to be a better me. Some of y'all know that trying to get me to open up about the really relevant stuff is like trying to do dentistry on a bear. I have become a represser and suppresser in the interest of self-preservation, because I have simply become too tired for all of the angst and self-discovery and the gettinupoffofmyassanddoinsomethinaboutitall. As I was sayin to him, I am at another one of those crossroads you inevitably come to in life. But, due to the afore mentioned tiredness, I have just been sitting here park. I am tired of going down the wrong road and having to either backtrack or detour. I am tired of going along, minding my own business, and being broad-sided. I am tired of coming to the construction, the traffic jams, and the idiot motorists who litter life's highway. Trite analogy, but it's all I can come up with at the moment. I have been shifting from park to neutral here lately, trying to get revved up to go somewhere. I know I need to. I keep running across people and words who make me think of who I could and should be. This morning over at Jett's, this post made me sit and ponder for a bit, and light a little fire of inspiration in my clogged up carburetor. And from there, I was led to this here post. That sums up a lot of my feelings. She says it much better than I can at the moment. I need a vacation, y'all. And I need that sit-down lunch we been talkin about, Jay Dee Gee. And I need to get in gear.

There's no place like home

For sure. I lived in one place for most of my life. I was born there, raised there, and swore I'd always get out of there. I've moved away 4 times, and for some reason or another I always ended up getting sucked back there. This time I've sworn I'd rather live on the street in a cardboard box than move back there again. So, why is it today I wish that I was back there? Ahh.. homesickness. I think that mostly it is that I am not happy where I am right now. Oh sure, I have a nice apt. and live in a decent enough town. But, it isn't going for me right now. I have not been able to find a job, and I have not been able to find any friends. I do not have any family in this town (save my ex husband and that doesn't really count). I'm lonely. I want somewhere that I can go visit if I am tired of my place. I want friends who drop by and hang out. I want my family close so that when I need them, or they need me, it's not an hour drive to get there. I want to live back in the country where it is peaceful and there are no neighbors and my kids can go outside and play and I don't have to watch them like a hawk. I could go on and on with the good stuff, but then I'd have to start listing the bad stuff. Not that I don't have bad stuff here. My problem isn't all situational. The usually rational adult me knows that. The scared little girl (who I never admit is still there) me doesn't care, she just wants to go home.

last night

i can still smell your scent in my bed
and though it is fading it reminds me of you
holding me
holding you
and i hate that i am holding this pillow
that smells of you instead
and that your presence is
all too familiar to me already
when last night
could have been just that

A Meme for you

What is the middle name of the first person you ever slept with?
Haven't a clue. What was their first name?

What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color?
Victoria's Secret high cut briefs, kind of a peachy/beige snakeskin pattern.

What is the song you want played at your funeral?
Amazing Grace.

What would your last meal be before getting executed?
Beans of Eternal Life

Beatles or Stones?
Stones

If you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who would it be?
I don't want that kind of karma hanging over my shoulder.

The person whose problems you would never want to hear again?
Mine.

What is the thing most important to you (as far as physical) about the preferred sex?
A pulse.

Do you secretly hate some of your friendsters but are too nice to reject them?
I haven't been on friendster since I registered, I doubt I have any friendsters

If you could have any super power what would it be?
The ability to heal by touch.

Favorite hangover cure?
Don't drink in the first place? I've never found a sure-fire hangover cure, so I don't drink anymore.

How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
Since I don't drink anymore, I'd be a pretty cheap drunk. Back in the day, I had to hit the 10 or 12 mark to start feeling it.

Favorite Outkast lyric?
Everybody needs someone to rub their shoulders
And scratch their dandruff
And everybody need to quit actin hard and shit
Before you get your ass whooped (I'll slap the fuck out ya!)
And everybody needs somebody to love
Before its too late
Its too late

Hair color you most like someone you're dating to have?
Hair color isn't important. Hell, hair is optional.

If you had to be blind or deaf?
Deaf. I'd hate to not be able to see my children grow up.

Do you have any psychiatric problems?
Depends on your version of "problems".

Siblings that should go to rehab?
Health rehab maybe.

Least favorite month?
February always sucks.

First movie you can remember seeing as a kid?
Jaws. It was like 1975 and I was 4 and I remember it to this day. I still have a problem with boats and water I can't see in.

Favorite person in the whole world?
That would have to be me. No, really, I don't do favorites much. I don't have a favorite color or song or anything like that. I like variety.

When's the last time you went on a date?
When the Earth was still flat.

Do you like violent movies or dirty movies?
Yes.

Fall or spring?
Both.

Person you most wish you hadn't made out with?
I don't see the point in having that kind of regrets.

If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with?
If I am straight I wouldn't be doing it with a person of the same sex.

Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle?
Somewhere with a great climate. Not too hot, not too cold.

Who is the person you can count on most?
I don't know, who? There are different people I can count on for different things.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, time and age are not factors?
Jesse James

What books have you pretended you've read?
I've read them all.

What's a word you would use to describe your life?
Conflicted.

Favorite drinking game?
The "try not to dribble it down my chin" game.

What did you dream last night?
I didn't dream last night, I was too warm and snuggly.

Favorite bands?
Rubber.

Speak now or forever hold yer piece

The comment function is back up and running now. Not that anyone uses it. (hint hint)

nanananananananana, and really bad eggs...Drink up me hearties YO HO!

You are The Cap'n!
Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.


What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!




Have I mentioned that my lastest fascination is Pirates of the Caribbean? I almost didn't watch it because of Johnny Depp. In fact, I didn't watch it until this month. Johnny D. has kind of put me off the last few years. The whole downhill slide after Edward Scissorhands and What's Eating Gilbert Grape. But, Orlando Bloom won out. Mmmm.. elf or pirate... I'd watch him anyday. So, color me shocked when my favorite in the movie was Captain Jack Sparrow. That part was made for him, or he made that part, either way.... I'm hooked. Aye! Avast!

When I rule the world

The World Is MINE! by Demonac
Name:
You will conquer:	Marguerita-Ville (now you get royalties every time they play that song).
Your title will be:	Emperor/Emperess
You will succeed by:	Sending back a computer virus from the future to eliminate the opposition.
Your Enforcers will be:	Jay and Silent Bob.
Your first act as ruler:	Bathe in your victims' blood.
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

You think you know

But do you really? Go here to find out how well you know me!
(as seen at Hunter's and Mac's.)

Poor neglected little blog

It's a wonder it hasn't withered up and blown away. This is why I don't have houseplants. I wonder how my kids have survived?! I've been somewhat busy lately what with getting ready for Christmas (what little I did). Mostly I have just been a lazy ass and haven't wanted to post. I'd rather waste my time reading about everyone else's seemingly cool lives. I'm glad this year is almost over. I hope that next year will be a better one. It has to be. I was dreading Christmas really bad. I know it isn't about the presents and all, but tell my oldest two kids that. I haven't always been able to provide them with a huge Christmas, but it has always been really good stuff. This year my son came and crawled in bed with me Christmas morning. He woke me up and whispered to me "Mom, Santa came. He sure didn't leave much." I wanted to close my eyes and either cry or go back to sleep forever. One group present (a $35 DVD player from Walmart and a DVD) and one present each (a tshirt) just doesn't cut it. Yeah, yeah, I realize there are kids who got far less, and that there are kids who don't have parents or at least mothers who love them like I do my kids... and that their dad and step-mom and his mom more than compensated... but that isn't the point. I let them down. I want better for my kids. And I feel really bad that circumstances have been what they have been lately and this is the fallout. Well, enough of that. It's over and done and all I can do is hope that next year is better. How was y'all's Christmas? (Yes, that is too a word)

It is so nice to know that chivalry isn't completely dead. I have long searched for a man who does the little things, holds doors open and the like. And for one to take it above and beyond? There are no words. Other than "Point him out" and "Is he single?".

Right now

Today has sort of been one of those days. You know the ones? Where your mood changes like quicksilver and you feel out of control? Nothing has gone your way for so long that you don't ever see it coming again? I have always been a "driving in the car really fast with the stereo blaring the nastiest rock available" kind of stress reliever. Today, I had enough so I had to get out. My hoopty doesn't have a cd player so I just listen to the radio in the car. Fortunately, we now have a decent radio station here. So, I was out for a drive... no, not a fast one, I am not recovered enough from the surgery for the maneuvering involved... and was listening to the radio when this here song came on. Now, I haven't liked anything of theirs in a few years, but when I heard this one I was like "HAYULL YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT". Yeah, it's a bit extreme, but there are days when we feel like that about people we really do love. I have felt that way a lot lately.

Why am I such a misfit?

I am not just a nitwit!
Watched Rudolph for the umpteenth time tonight. I love that song!

All we know is that we don't know

I know it's a bad habit to post song lyrics and call them a proper post. But, music is a big part of our lives. Or some of our lifes anyway. And sometimes I hear the lyrics to a song and I'm like "Yeah.... that's it." Something I have in my head, a conflict or feeling that I can't put into words myself. I've long been a fan of Oasis and I had forgotten about this song. It is so fitting at this point in my life. Well, any point in life, but it really speaks to me right now.

Her loss

Give me an Average Joe ANYDAY!

Oh Christmas Tree, OOOHHHH Christmas Tree

I have a secret fetish. Ok, so I have several but let's stick with this one for now, shall we? People see mistletoe and automatically think about kissing. What do they think about when they see a Christmas tree? Presents? Pretty lights and ornaments? Me, I think about something totally unrelated. When I see a Christmas tree, my mind goes to other things under the tree. Like two naked bodies intertwined. Yes, that's right. I have a sex under the Christmas tree fetish. Am I alone in this or do other people think of the same thing? I think I must be fairly alone in this because while this is a major fetish for me, I've never once actually DONE it. Someday, though, I will.

Check yo'self

In a conversation earlier today, I was saying that one reason I haven't been to the movie theater in many years is because I don't like going by myself. No sooner than the words were out, I was thinking "What?". I do so too enjoy going to the moving by myself! I enjoy going out to eat by myself. I enjoy going shopping by myself. In fact, I have no problem going anywhere by myself. Ok, maybe I do regarding bars or clubs. But, as far as anywhere else is concerned, especially the movie theater, I've never had any qualms about going alone. I have been saying this for many years, however. I think it is due to the fact that I am tired of being alone and I simply want someone to go with. I also think it's somewhat of a cop out, a pat reason why I don't get out and do something when and if given the chance. Isn't it funny how if you say something often enough and long enough, you start to believe it yourself? I have convinced myself of many things that way, in retrospect. I am positive that I am not the only one. I think we all must do it. "This relationship is working/will work." "I enjoy being single." "My ass doesn't look fat in these pants." I'm thinking a re-evaluation of some of the things we have been telling ourselves and others for years is in order.