I don't know why I'm telling you this...

but I've been walking around for gawd knows how long with my shoes on the wrong feet.

yum... crow

So, yeah, once again I'm being reminded to never say never. You'd think I'd have learned by now. What's that song? Some fools never learn... Anyway. I'm moving back to Graham. More on that later.

miz jett's been laid up by a low-flying tractor and is hopped up on pain meds and she's giving stuff away! enter to win!

blah

Bronchitis sucks. It sucks the life right out of me. I have a million things to say, and the energy to say only that.

I have a new toy

If you'll look over there to the left you'll see it. I'll be using my camera phone to update my moblog at least once a day. Who knows what I'll see that will end up there.

Yeah, Jewel sucks but I love the lyrics

I will meet you
In some place
Where the light lends itself
To soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you
I have thorns like any rose

You could hurt me
with your bare hands
You could hurt me
Using the sharp end of what you say
But I'm lost to you now
And there's no amount of reason
That could save me

So break me
Take me
Just let me feel your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me feel your love again

Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul

Kiss me once
Well, maybe twice

Just let me feel your love again

What month is this?

This weather SUCKS! The first of May and I'm having to turn the HEAT on?? Normally by this time of the year we are already having to turn the A/C on. What is up with this crazy weather? Everyone else is all happy about it, they love the cold, blah blah. I say STFU people. I hate cold weather, it makes me hurt. And in case you can't tell that makes me a little bit bitchy. I'm finally over the sinus thing, after it got so bad that my jaws, teeth and the bones in my face were in excruciating pain.
I'm a little ticked off at my computer as well. I sat down in front of it the other morning and opened up Firefox and was like what the hell?!? Somehow it went crazy and changed my homepage and DELETED ALL MY FRIGGING BOOKMARKS! I finally uninstalled it and reinstalled it and found an old copy of the bookmark file. So, that left me with only losing, oh, I don't know... 100 or so of them? grrr If any of y'all know of anything I should be reading, let me know since I'm kind of lost here without my bookmarks.
My brother called today. He's been clearing off the family land. Being a packrat and a hoarder of junk tends to run in the family. My brother, however, didn't get that gene. He said so far he has hauled off 8 old refrigerators and freezers, 2 washers, 3 dryers, a water heater, at least 30 old 50 gallon drums and LORD knows what else from out there. I had forgotten that my grandfather used some of the old freezers for horse troughs and such. heh Repurposing at its best. He also mowed all of the land (I forget how many acres total, but it's a bunch) and said he uncovered trailers more junk when he did. I know it will look great when he's all done, but it's also kind of sad because that stuff has been there for so many years and it always reminds me of my Papaw. Course, I don't need that stuff to remember him. It will be nice to be able to see everything, the old buildings and such, without all the weeds and crap in the way. I don't ever want to go back there and live again, but it's home and it is a beautiful bit of land with a lot of great history. My great grandfather bought it from the Bureau of Indian Affairs many years ago. I can't say as how I like that the Indians lived there and were ran off, but there isn't anything I can do about that now other than honor the fact that they once called it home, too. The next time I go back I have to remember to go down into the back pasture and take some photos of the creek bed running from the river (the Brazos). There are some really cool carving in some of the rocks. I have always wondered who it was that put them there, and why.
Well, I seem to be running off on a tangent and can't think of any way to end it gracefully now, so I'll just leave it there. Adios.

Return of the Killer Hayfever

I just thought I was going to get away without being sick this spring. That's what I get for thinking. I had a big allergy flare-up over a week ago and it is still hanging strong. Headache, chest hurts, coughing, sneezing, eyes burn, I've blown my nose so much it and my top lip are raw. Oohhh, and let's not forget the fever blister. GRRRRR
Anyways, needless to say I haven't accomplished much. Well, other than running over a guy in the Dollar Store parking lot. Ok, not a guy, but a guy in his car. Dumb fucker shouldn't have pulled in behind me. Now I am having to fight with my insurance company and his insurance company. He walked into my insurance agency the day after it happened with an estimate for $800 and said "you can just cut me a check now". They were like.. uhhh, it doesn't exactly work that way, sir. The damn car isn't worth that much and there is no way that a dent the size of my pinky finger is going to cost that much to fix. Not to mention, it was just as much his fault as mine so I shouldn't have to pay. Yeah, let's not talk about that anymore. Hey, in the good news department, I finally got approved for my disability insurance. I can't believe it only took 6 months. I thought I was going to have to get a lawyer and fight them for years on it. Either I'm worse off than I thought healthwise, or I actually got lucky for once. So... yay! Monthly paycheck! and back pay! I cannot wait to get some furniture up in here. I really need to finish painting so it doesn't look all half-assed when I do get some new stuff. Anyone want to help? *pweaaassee with big puppy dog eyes* Yeah, that's what I thought, you assholes.
Speaking of assholes, I have been thinking about Brad (Willa's biological father) a whole lot here lately. Every guy I see looks like him, all that stuff. I don't know why either. I mean, it's not like there is any love involved like with John, who I think about from the time I get up to the time I go to bed about a million times. (obsessive much?) I guess I should get hold of him (Brad, that is) and see if everything is okay. Can't say why I would really care, but I'm just that kind of person. I won't be getting hold of John, as he obviously doesn't want anything to do with me. His loss. Right..soo.. I hear that key lime pie calling my name. Bye!

Edited to add: Yeah, I won't be checking in on Brad. I checked his profile. Fucking radar. I should have known.

Domestic Goddess

Today I painted my kitchen the most luscious shade of aqua. Very retro. Yay for oops! paint from Home Depot!! 5 dollar makeover! I didn't do the 4th wall that ties into the hall as I ran out of paint, but that's cool because I was inspired to paint it a different color and take it down the hall so it all comes together nicely. I am hoping to find a great lime/apple green on the oops rack. If not, hopefully they will have something that will contrast with the aqua. I am going to do all of the trim in orange. BRIGHT orange! The color that was in there was this putrid butterscotch pudding and it sucked up every bit of light and was sooo depressing. It is SO much brighter in there now! Then I'm going to do the bathroom. Currently it is a very sickly shade of greenish-yellowish-somethingish. Doesn't make for good light. I look in the mirror in the bathroom and think "Oh, what is wrong with my skin" and then remember it's the reflection from the paint. I just bought new towels and such in this fabulous shade of lavender so I am hoping to find a shade that goes with that. One of these days I'll get around to the living room. I'm thinking pink, but I'll have to see what kind of furniture I find when I get my "inheritance" money. I will be so glad to finally have a REAL couch! I've had that stupid futon for 4 or so years and when it broke I just had to leave the mattress on the floor. How college. I have been drooling over some red sofas and loveseats, but think I'd get tired of them after a few years, so I'll probably go with something more neutral. Much easier and cheaper to change throw pillows and paint than it is to change the furniture. I don't know that I'll be doing any painting in the bedrooms. I'm really not planning on staying here that long, but I will be here at least 9 more months so I figured as cheap as the paint is I shouldn't have to be depressed by the walls here for the time I am here. I will definitely be buying new beds though. NEW! BEDS!!!! I've never in my life had one of those. It's always been hand-me-down mattresses and frames. Actually, I've never had any new furniture except for the futon from hell and my new dining table (that was a whopping $150). I am also going to be replacing that with a slightly bigger one as this one just seats four and I need one that seats six. I'm thinking that 11 thou is going to go pretty fast. I'm getting my teeth fixed, new glasses and some other stuff as well. May as well get it while the getting is good. I won't be having any more money for a while. I am thankful that I will have this though. Well, I am off to read my verra Scottish novel. Until next time!

guh. *thud*

 

Dear John Poetry II

I close my eyes
your image is burned inside
the feel of your hands
imprinted on my body
your voice
memorized by my ears

I whisper “I love you”
to fly out the window
be picked up on the breeze
and be carried
over the treetops and roofs
and find your ear

Take heed
remember
my heart
still belongs to you
then, now, always
don’t let it waste away

(the first is here)

mmm... supper 

Raising Cain

Raising kids up to be decent people is hard work. Especially when you're doing it on your own. Even harder is a single mom raising a boy up in a house full of females. Oh, sure, he has his "Dad" (and I use the term loosely) on the occasional weekend. I think it's important for kids, but most especially boys, to have a good male role model. I'm not a man, I can't teach him how to be a man. A GOOD man, at that. I can give him the basics, but it's just not the same. I also don't have a good male role model for them. Not one who is around on a regular basis anyway. My Dad and my brothers are all too far away to be of any help. It's sort of down to me against everybody else right now. Me against them, me against the less than stellar school system. Trying to be everything to everybody can wear you down. Things with the boy aren't going so hot right now. He's 10. Age is a huge factor in this. But, so is the kind of people he is subjected to at school. And not having anyone but me to teach him how to act. I've raised them well. They know right from wrong, they have great manners, they're smart. I've done everything I know to do. It just isn't enough anymore. The boy is getting smart with me. He's getting in trouble at school, something he's never done before. His attitude is getting out of hand and everything I've been doing to get it back in hand isn't enough. So... what to do? Put him in counseling? Therapy? I don't know anymore. It's sad that something that could be so easily remedied with the right tools becomes such a battle without them. I'm relatively sure that it will all work out in the end; but, as I am responsible for their present and future in a way, I don't want to screw it up. Anybody has any suggestion, I'm all ears.

Excerpt from a Dear John Letter 3

You know that thing you do, when we're doing that thing we do? The one where I'm looking up at you, you're looking down at me and then you kiss my foot? Yeah. Every time you do that, I fall a little more in love with you. (And get a whole lot more turned on.)

mind spew

I was thinkin about something today that I often dredge up and ... wallow on? I don't know how to explain it. Feeling sorry for myself I guess. I'm 33 years old and I've never been on a proper date. You know the kind. Boy asks girl out to dinner and a movie. Girl accepts. Boy picks girl up from house. They go to a nice restaurant and the theater. If things go well, they have coffee after. If things go really well they agree to do it again. Boy takes girl home. I've really never been on that many dates period. I've been to the movie theater with a guy twice. Gone out to eat with them maybe 10 or so times. It makes me really sad, and kind of mad, this. I haven't had that many real relationships with men. I guess I've been with the ones I have for all the wrong reasons. Not wanting to be alone. And I've been so pathetically grateful that they would have anything to do with me, I guess I've let them treat me badly. Of course, there have been a couple that I've treated badly. Get into a relationship with them and realize it wasn't at all what you thought it would be and not know how to finish it gracefully. It's funny how when someone wants to be with you, it's never who you think is the right someone. And the ones who you want to be with don't think you are the right one. Or something. The relationship I've had going on for the last year makes me really sad. Why do I not give it up? I don't know. It's like finally you find someone who has most of the qualities that you want, need, desire and you just keep on hoping that they will decide that you are that to them. He's the perfect man? No. Would he be perfect for me? I don't know. I'd like to at least find out. I'd like to know what it is like to have what I term a real relationship. Where they really want to be with you, spend time with you. They ask you out on dates, take you to their hangouts with them and introduce you to their friends, hang out and watch movies with you, go to the park or somewhere with you. Just spend time together and see where it goes. I really don't think I'm asking for too much. Just seems to me I'm always asking it from the wrong people. Or is it the right person and the wrong time? Hell, I don't know. I am just rambling here. Last night I went over to Dear John's. It was nice to just sit and talk, he played the guitar and sang some for me, we listened to some music, just hung out. It made me wish that we could do it a lot more often. I don't know how he feels about that. I sometimes I think I want to give him more than he wants. Or he wants that, just not from me. The kids are an issue. But, not much I can do about that. I don't blame someone for not wanting to take us on. In ways. But in ways I do. If someone really wanted to be with me, all of those things wouldn't be an issue. I want someone to want to be with ME. Because they like me, they enjoy being with me and all of the other stuff can work out. I'm tired of being alone. I want to be WITH someone. This is MY man. And he loves me. And he shows it. But, I only want that particular man and I don't know that he wants me anymore. So... what to do? Give it time? Guess that's all I can do. I don't have the answers.

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to

Warning: whining and really bad allegory ahead.


I’ve fallen in a hole. It’s not the first time. It won’t be the last. But I’m finding it harder and harder to pick myself up, brush myself off and climb my way out of the hole. Right now, I think I’ll just lay here for a while. Will I get buried under the inevitable stuff that will fall in the hole after me? Maybe. I’m just too tired of it all to care. It would be nice if once, just once, someone would lend a helping hand to get me back up again, rather than pushing me back down in. Hell, just sit in the damned hole beside me. Just be there.
Someone posted a poem that I loved. I said it could have been written for me were I the type to inspire poetry. He replied with she probably felt the same way. I guess sometimes we get so stuck in our own selves that we forget we aren’t the only ones to ever feel that way. I miss the old me sometimes. I’m sick of this bitter, cynical, tired, broken down, lonely, hopeless person I’ve become. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to be with me. But again, just once, I want someone to love me despite all my problems, hang-ups and baggage. Hell, despite all THEIR problems, hang-ups and baggage. Sometimes I think I ask too much or have unrealistic expectations. Or maybe I’m just expecting it from the wrong people. I don’t know. I just know that right now, I’m the wrong person.

MUST.HAVE.THIS. 

Weird Science

We're out of ketchup. I have to have ketchup and mustard to eat my corny dogs. I didn't realize this fact until after I had already cooked them. Alas, I made a happy discovery. Ranch dressing and mustard is really good.

Loose Ends

I thought this was kind of cool.

Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY IN SONG TITLES by that band

artist/band: The Boss

Are you male or female: Give The Girl A Kiss

Describe yourself: Secret Garden

How do some people feel about you: My Best Was Never Good Enough

How do you feel about yourself: Tougher Than The Rest

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Nothing Man

Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: Cautious Man, Dancing In The Dark, Hungry Heart

Describe where you want to be: Better Days

Describe what you want to be: Happy

Describe how you live: Leap of Faith

Describe how you love: My Love Will Not Let You Down

Share a few words of wisdom: Take 'Em As They Come

Valentine

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

-Carol Ann Duffy